What does it mean to be rock solid in your self-love and your self-confidence, your self-esteem?.
How can you become the person you truly want to be and deserve to be during or after narcissistic relationships?.
What actionable steps can you take to truly and
unapologetically love yourself to the point that literally no one, especially not a
narcissist can affect your ability to feel good, your ability to feel happy and to have an
unbreakable sense of self-esteem.
If you spend any amount of time being in a relationship with a narcissist,regardless of the type of narcissist you've dealt with,
regardless of the nature of the
relationship, chances are that you have felt at some time or another that you're out of control of your life,
you might even feel like that right now.
So today at QueenBeeing.com, we're gonna talk about
exactly what you can do to get your arms back around your life and take the control back.
So let's get started. (Closed captioning provided by
Athena Moberg and CPTSDfoundation.org). My name is Angie Atkinson and on this channel,
I offer free, daily video coaching to help you discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. I like to call it toxic relationship rehab.
So if that sounds good to you, hit that Subscribe button and let's get going.
So whether you've already left the narcissist or you're just planning to move toward going away from the
narcissist or you're working on your exit plan, whatever the case is,
I want you to know this one thing; you can now enjoy a level of freedom that you may not remember has been possible.
You're going to be allowed to make your own decisions now, to be the person that you truly want to be. The truth
is that no matter what the narcissist has tried to tell you for all these months or years, secretly deep down inside
you really are the person that you've always wanted to be.
Now all you have to do is bring that person to the surface, because the fact of the matter is whoever you
always thought, Oh, I would really like to be that person, that person is inside of you. The best way to begin to find yourself after
narcissistic abuse is to start to look for the things in your life that you love.
Toxic relationships take all of our
personal self and force it to kind of fade away or be shoved down inside of our soul,
but they don't completely take away who you really are.
So the first thing you're going to want to do is start figuring out what it is that you really love.
What is it that you really enjoy?.
I know what you're thinking, but what if what I really love to do is something I'm not good at, why should I even try
doing that thing.
Well,
you... obviously you'll never know until you do try, but you don't have to be good at it to enjoy it
and by the way
if you could just give yourself a break and stop feeling not good enough and believe that you can enjoy something,
even if you're not great at it, that would be a huge plus in your life. You not being good enough
is just a lie that you've come to believe after your engagement with the narcissist for all these months or years.
It's all due to that
mind-numbing existence that you had to deal with during that time, the experience of being in a toxic relationship
of any sort, it trashes you as a person it tears your soul apart.The relationship with yourself
is truly the most important one that you will ever have in your lifetime.
Most of the trouble
that you have with yourself is that you don't know yourself as well as you'd like to and that's especially true when you've been in
relationships with narcissist. You might have spent most of your life or at least most of the time with... that you spent with
narcissists avoiding yourself. We don't want to address our shortcomings or deal with
uncomfortable thoughts, do we?, but you can't escape yourself. So hey, why not make friends with yourself.
Why not fall in love with yourself. These techniques that I'm about to share with you are priceless,
they'll help you develop a stronger relationship with yourself and it will help you to find that place in yourself where you can become
unapologetically,
positively, unequivocally,
beautifully
yourself. One of the first things you've got to do is start your day with gratitude every single day, positive thoughts and gratitude. Every day,
think of 10 things you're grateful for and 3 things you love about yourself,
instead of reaching over to grab your cell phone the minute you wake up checking the weather or
whether or not your favorite TV show is updated or sports team or whatever
y'all are into, spend the time on yourself. Mentally
list a few things that make you grateful to be alive and tell yourself something positive,
like I said 10 things you're grateful for and 3 things you love about yourself. Give yourself the
intention of having a good day, list your positive qualities,
get your day off with a good start for you. Next up, write in a journal. Your thoughts and your life are worth
recording my friend. Take time every evening to write for just a few minutes,
you're gonna gain a lot of insight about yourself and your appreciation for life and you're gonna show yourself that your life actually matters and
it does. Next up, let go of the things that you're avoiding, let go of those avoidance behaviors. What do you do when you're feeling emotionally
under the weather?, do you shop?, do you eat?, do you get online?. Instead of avoiding yourself, try sitting with yourself,
see what's going on in there.
Just breathe and notice your feelings and your body sensations. Avoiding them just prolongs the cycle. In time your negative emotions will
dissipate. Next up, meditate. Think of meditation as spending quality time with yourself. Begin with just a few minutes and
extend the time as you feel more comfortable.
You're gonna learn how your mind works by meditating and don't forget meditation doesn't have to be just sitting still.
I personally, I can't always function that way. Sometimes I need to get up and move my ass - pardon my language, it helps me.
I pop in my earbuds and I just start walking, it's very good for you.
It's all about keeping your mind still and I think best that way, so whatever works for you, do that.
Next up, spend some time every single day on your own personal development. What do you feel the need to learn?, social skills?,
relaxation skills?, networking?,
spiritual development?
You spend so much time doing things for your boss, doing things for your home, your kids, your family, your spouse, take a break,
spend some time just dealing with your own needs. I've said this before, but I like to have at least one hour per day
where I don't have to deal with anybody,
I like alone time during that time. Next up, have some fun. Plan some fun in your life,
you deserve it my friend. Get a monthly massage or meet a friend for ballroom dance lessons, whatever, it's your life, enjoy it,
okay. Next up, forgive yourself. You have made a few mistakes because you're human and you're allowed to make mistakes.
I've made a whole bunch, trust me and hey, we've all missed out on a few sure fire opportunities,
have we not?, that's no reason to beat yourself up and quite honestly, if you do that
you're just gonna waste the rest of your life. Stop it.
It's time to let go of your past and forge ahead. Next up,
and this is a big one. Groom yourself to a high standard. Take the time to shower every day.
Don't wash your hair every day, that's bad, if you're female.
Pay regular visit to the barber shop or the Salon,
monthly, maybe six weeks, whatever. Keep your grooming at a higher standard than you have before and maybe even higher standard than other people in
your environment. When you take care of yourself,
you show the world how much you mean to yourself. Next up, get help if you need it, and don't be scared of it.
Nobody can handle everything all the time, by themselves. Sooner or later, everybody needs help, me included.
This may come to you in the form of a trusted friend or professional help.
Get the help you need and remember that you're worth it. Now it's all about you.
So now we're gonna talk about nine ways you can start to take back control of your life, let's get right to it.
Take that control of your life and put yourself in charge. Hey, listen, is your life out of balance?,
don't feel bad. From time to time, literally everyone's life can feel a little out of control.
You might spend too much time focused on work and your family life suffers
or maybe you spend too much money on your social life and your finances suffer.
Maybe you're running yourself ragged and your health is taking a back seat.
So what can you do to stop this chaos?.
Regain balance in your life with these strategies:
Number 1. Identify the different parts of your life.
If you were gonna divide your life in two columns, what would the column headings be?. For most of us,
they might include family, work, health, fitness and social life.
You might have additional categories such as music, spirituality and volunteering. Number 2. Start with your health. Is your health
negatively impacted by your lifestyle?. Are you getting enough sleep?. Are you eating right?. How much exercise are you getting each day?.
Have you been to the doctor lately?. How is your body weight?.
What can you do to enhance your health?. Number 3. Evaluate your family life.
Does your family only get attention when you have time left over from your other obligations?.
Are you spending enough time with your partner and/or your children? Or is a narcissist causing your family to break?.
What do they need right now?.
How can you provide it to them?. How can you enrich your relationship with your family?.
Number 4. Is your social life getting too much attention or not enough?.
Have you lost track of your friends?. Is your family upset that you're spending too much time
socializing? Or maybe your overactive social life is causing challenges in other areas of your life. Consider
What changes would help balance out your social life
Number 5. Take a look at your values and your priorities. What is most important to you?.
You can't have it all unless your wants are quite limited.
Make a list of your values and your priorities.
Alter your life to emphasize those things.
Number 6. Where are you wasting time?.
Maybe you can bring your life back into balance by freeing up more time for what's most important to you.
First, you can identify how you're wasting time and eliminate or minimize those activities.
Number 7. Learn to say "no". There just isn't enough time in the day to say "yes" to every single thing that crosses your path.
This goes back to your priorities.
One of the most effective ways to regain balance in your life is to eliminate things that just aren't necessary.
So what can you live without?.
What will you be glad to get off your plate. Be grateful for what you have that's number 8.
When you're feeling overwhelmed, it can be easy to see the dark side of things. So
remind yourself how much you have in your life already. With a positive outlook, you're gonna have a better chance of making progress.
Number 9. Make a plan.
Once you have a few ideas,
make a plan on how you intend to put them into practice.
Avoid the mistake of believing that identifying the cure is a cure in itself. It's necessary to take action my friend.
Everything gets out of balance once in a while including your life.
The key is recognizing the challenge that you face and setting your priorities.
Eliminate those things that don't add value to your life so that you have more time for the things that do.
Take control of your life and create a life that truly
fulfills you. Now I'm gonna give you ten quick points that you can use as you move forward in your
life to help you to overcome it and embrace your whole self
unapologetically, so that if somebody
criticizes you or attacks you or comes after you emotionally, you will be so strong that they cannot get to you.
I find this a beautiful thing friend and I would love for you to have this as well. Number 1. Understand that you're relevant.
We spend so much time feeling irrelevant, invalidated, unacceptable, etc, not good enough.
You need to understand that you're relevant, that you matter to the world, that your opinions matter and your thoughts matter, your work matters, your
mere presence matters. You have
already touched numerous lives in so many ways and you don't even realize it yet.
Number 2. Understand that your greatest mistakes don't define you. Your mistakes may have influenced your life,
certainly
they have. They've influenced my life and my mistakes have, but they've only changed who you are if you've allowed that to happen
and if you can see the
silver lining of any cloud, you can know that
positive change can be a good thing and sometimes it comes from a negative experience.
It doesn't matter how many mistakes you've made, tomorrow is always a new day.
Number 3. Forgive someone who has wronged you. Forgiving doesn't mean that you have to let them back into your life, by the way.
So when you're forgiving your narcissist, what I like to do in that
situation is write them a letter, say all the things you need to say, spill out all your
curse words for them, fill out all your upset, your anger and all the things they did that make you
hurt. Put it in the letter, at that last paragraph of the letter, write to them,and
now I'm going to forgive you not for yourself,
but for me, because I don't deserve to have that toxic energy in my life anymore. Just a quick note here;
You don't have to mail the letter. As a matter of fact, I don't recommend it. This is really about you,
not about the narcissist. You're not going to spend any more time or mental energy holding on to your anger,
it's toxic to you. Be good to yourself and let it go. You're going to impress yourself
with your inner strength and you're going to enjoy the forgiveness, because it brings relief to you. Number 4.
Think about the best compliments that you've ever received, bask in them. The most meaningful
compliments are those that bring a joy to your soul, those that ring through to you in the depth of your soul.
It's exciting when someone else recognizes the best that we have to offer the world,
isn't it?. Number 5. Take a stand for something you believe in. Be bold in your opinion and know what you think is right and
wrong. Be okay with whatever that is for you, know
your ethics, know your values and be proud of them. Be willing to share your interests with people in your life and your hobbies.
When you love yourself, you can do what interests you without the need for approval from others. That is the biggest thing
you must learn, to drop your need for validation from the outside of yourself. When you can do that, everything
changes for you. Be proud of what's most important to you. Number 6. Be kind to yourself.
The world is going to be harsh enough on you as it is, make an effort to be kind to yourself.
Remember your good strengths and your good qualities.
I'm going to tell you something, one of the things I tell my clients all the time is think about if this situation were happening
to your child or your friend or someone you really, really care about, how would you advise them?,
and I asked them to advise themselves in the same way. Number 7. Be of service to other people.
We admire people who give of themselves.
You can admire yourself by spending a little bit of time each week helping to make someone else's life a little bit easier or more
pleasant. Find a charity or a social organization
that addresses a cause that's near and dear to your heart or just do a random act of kindness sometimes. Number 8.
Take care of yourself.
See the doctor. See the dentist. Pay for a good haircut. Avoid dressing like a slob. Avoid being obsessed with your appearance,
but give it the attention
it deserves. Make an effort to look like the best possible version of yourself, because you're worth it, because you're worth it.
You're worth the time and the effort that it takes. Number 9. Do something nice for yourself.
Take the trip that you've been meaning to take,
you keep putting it off. Buy yourself a book or a Kindle eBook. Take a class on a topic that interests you. Buy those expensive
sheets that you have been wanting and not getting for your bed.
Don't do it as a reward to yourself, do it just because you're awesome and you deserve that sh*t. Finally, number 10.
Remember your greatest successes. Remember how amazing you are. You have done so many great things in your life,
you just have to remember them. Remind yourself who you are.
Remind yourself what you're all about and remember you, just as much as anybody else in the world, deserve to be happy.
You deserve to be loved and who better to start the love out than yourself.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but you literally have to fall in love with yourself
and I know that you can do it. Tell me what your thoughts are.
You just love yourself a little harder than you ever have, it's worth the try.
Take care of yourself, know that you're not alone and know that you have support if you need it. Join the SPANily,
let's get connected. Alright, this brings me to the question of the day
and the question of the day is; What are some ways you're taking back your life or if you're not there yet,
which ways will you try and what advice would you offer our fellow survivors who are also going through a similar situation?.
Share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences in the comments section below and let's talk about it.
Alright, that's all I've got for you right now,
but as always thank you so much for being a part of my day in a part of my life
and hey, thanks for letting me be a part of yours, it really does mean a lot to me.
I want to take a quick minute to just give a quick shout out to my
amazing channel members, you guys
rock. Thank you so much for being your awesome selves and for all of your support helping me to help our fellow
survivors discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships, it means more to me that I can say.
Thank you again, so much. My amazing channel members include; Charity. Steph.
Dana. MOCowboy. Shae. Kristina. Reyrey. T. Kristi. Beaucoup. Alda. Smith n Wesson.
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Janet. Paul. Delilah. SarahLee.
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Susan and my very first supporter Angela falsetta. Thank you.
Again, I just want to say thank you so much for hitting that join button, your support really does mean a lot to me.
Thank you again. Alright, that's all I've got for you right now,
but as always thank you so much for being a part of my day and a part of my life and hey,
thanks for letting me be a part of yours,
it really does mean a lot to me. Now before I go, make sure you take a look at the videos
I'm leaving for you over there and right there
and while you're here, hit that subscribe button so we can stay connected and continue on this healing journey together. I'll see you soon.