(upbeat music)
- Hi, I'm Hannah, your friendly neighborhood wine mom,
and if you're anything like me
you believe that a glass of wine at 8:00 p.m.
makes you a better mom,
so pour yourself a glass and let's talk.
It's fall, y'all.
In celebration of that,
I found pumpkin spice wine.
I didn't know that it was possible
for me to be any more basic but dreams do come true.
So we're going to celebrate with a glass of that.
It's not flavored.
It's literal pumpkin wine,
which I thought only existed in Harry Potter,
which is why I'm wearing this sorting hat.
Cheers.
Ugh!
Oh my God, this is so gross!
(Hannah wines)
I was so excited.
I gotta get something else.
(camera beeps)
Okay.
Let's try this again.
I got some real mom wine, chardonnay.
So with fall comes my favorite holiday, Halloween.
I love it because I love candy.
And even though I love Halloween,
not all good things are perfect,
so let's talk about the worst parts about Halloween.
First, the kids' costume situation.
Every year, starting in April,
my son decides what he wants to be for Halloween,
so I'll always get conned into buying that costume.
And the next week he changes his mind.
My rule is if he doesn't change his mind for a month
I will buy the costume.
He's dead set on being Kylo Ren this year.
So we got the costume, I go to the checkout.
50 dollars.
50 dollars!
And I'm like, okay, this is worth it.
It's in all the Star Wars packaging.
And this probably has, like, laser beams flying out of it
if it's 50 dollars.
50 dollars!
And we unwrap it and it's literally one piece of fabric
with some slits on it, and then a plastic mask.
50 dollars!
To be worn one day of the year.
And as a mom, that's, like, offensive.
I need everything to be worn to its maximum capacity.
So if I'm spending 50 dollars on a Kylo Ren costume,
50 dollars,
he's gonna wear it to school,
he's gonna wear it to the park,
he's gonna wear it to restaurants,
he's gonna wear it to gymnastics class.
"You keep that mask on!
"I don't care if you can't see.
"Tumble with the mask on, we're getting our money's worth."
Next, the mom costume situation.
Because apparently,
if you're shopping at a costume store as a mother,
you either can have no body or show your entire body.
As a mother,
I feel like when I'm going trick-or-treating with my kids,
there's an expectation of me to have a modest costume,
but I don't wanna be a freakin' crayon for Halloween.
I wish there was some type of middle ground costume
that I could buy.
Cat Woman meets Cat Lady.
Like Cat Woman, but not skintight.
Like, give me a little room to breathe.
Maybe after she's retired and had a couple of kids.
That's the costume that I want.
If you're looking to start a business,
moderately sexy costumes for moms.
You're welcome.
Next, the crash.
So throughout trick-or-treating my child will ask
for a piece of candy from each house that we visit
and he'll be like,
"Oh my God, but Mom, they gave me a Kit Kat!"
Like you don't know what a Kit Kat is.
You know how to con me better than that.
Come on.
He ends up eating pieces of candy all along the way.
By the we get home,
both of my children are just puddles of mush.
Only 90s kids will remember the Capri Sun commercials
where, like, the kids turn into these gelatinous, like,
silver things and, like, melted into the ground.
Like, that's what my children turn into.
Then you have to brush their teeth
and they never want to brush their teeth
and it's like, "Dude, you just ingested 80 cavities."
By the end of the night
it's like I've just fought in the Crusades.
But it's all worth it because once they fall asleep,
that candy's mine.
Okay.
The hat's coming off.
Feel like I should look in the mirror.
Last, Neil Patrick Harris.
We all know him.
We all love him.
He is perfect.
His husband is perfect.
Their children are perfect.
And instead of just, like, privately enjoying it
every year they post
the most perfect Halloween costume ensemble
that I have every seen in my stupid, worthless life.
They always the most perfectly coordinated costumes, too,
and it's always something popular
but not overdone that year.
Well how do they know that they're going to be
the only family dressed as perfect Peter Pan characters?
You have Halloween all to yourself.
You are the only people
who are worthy of celebrating this holiday.
When my family tries to coordinate costumes,
we look like a bunch of crazy people
walking down the street.
And they always take this perfect family photo
in their costumes.
Everyone is looking at the camera, everyone's smiling,
everything's perfect, they all have their makeup done.
They look beautiful.
When we try to take a family photo, someone's always crying.
Usually it's me.
Someone's always not looking at the camera.
Someone's probably pooping.
I just want that Neil Patrick Harris vibe
coming from one of my pictures.
It's like, we get it, Neil.
You're perfect.
We get it.
Can you just, like, post your Halloween picture in November
when the wound is a little less raw
so that we feel a little bit better about ourselves?
And if you actually see this, Neil Patrick Harris, thanks!
Big fan of all your work.
So that's all I got for today.
I'm Hannah, your friendly neighborhood wine mom,
and if you guys know what you're going to dress up as
for Halloween, leave it in the comments,
'cause I desperately need ideas.
And if you have couples costume ideas, even better,
because I wanna convince my husband to dress up with me
'cause we're coming for you, Neil Patrick Harris.
You and your perfect family, we're coming for you,
and we're going to take a beautiful picture
of all of us coordinated
with one random Kylo Ren in the corner.
It's gonna look great.
Til next time.
I've always wanted to do that.
Just, like, finish the glass and just throw it down
and walk away but this is my house
and I don't want to have to clean it up.
(Hannah sighs)