- All right guys, the desert temple's
gotta be around here somewhere.
- Remind me why we need to find the stupid temple.
- The Arch-Illager is using it
to summon the army of the undead!
(zombie groaning)
- Just how I like my zombies, nice and slow.
(smacking)
Huh, his one's a tough one, ow!
Hey, get back here old man!
- You'll never catch me, sonny!
- Fricking boomers, man.
- Whoa, check it out, it's a beacon!
- Hmm, I wonder how we activate it.
I wonder... (clicks)
- Thank you.
- Sorry Mr. Cow, but I need health
and I don't wanna waste a cool-down with my potion.
- I understand, have your way with me. (screams)
- Hmm, apple cow?
- I think it's pretty obvious that was an apple cow, yes.
All right, we need to open this gate.
- Judging by what's on the other side of that thing,
we might just want to keep that gate closed.
- Ah ha, the golden key.
- Let's name him Goldilocks
since he's gold and he opens locks.
You guys just don't know good humor.
- C'mon, line up, hey, good to see ya, goodbye.
You know I'm not sure how much longer
this killing is gonna be fun for.
- Baby zombie!
- Ha ha, oh man, that was great!
- Prepare for an ambush of my deadliest mobs.
- Oh man, I can't believe it.
I'm part of the group!
- Wait, no, what is he doing here?
(explosion)
You know, I really expected that to be a bit more climatic.
Anyways, I'll see ya.
(car zooms away)
- We did it, we found the desert temple!
Who knows what truths and treasures await us inside.
- Oh man, I'm gonna miss the warm breeze,
palm trees, even the cactus's.
- Um, that's a creeper.
- Okay, let's get the hell inside.
All right, stay on high alert.
There's a lot of undead enemies wandering this temple.
- Oh, what do you know?
There's one literally standing directly in our path.
- That's right, and you'll never destroy
the enchanted staff of The Nameless One.
- Hey, should this guy be giving away all this information?
- Nameless One?
- Yes, the powerful ruler of The Nameless Kingdom.
Good luck getting to the secret tomb where he can be found.
- Okay, I'm just gonna go over here
and pretend I'm not hearing this.
- Take me to your nameless ruler.
Huh, didn't expect him to die actually.
Follow me, the tombs gotta be this way.
(groans)
- Check it out, sliced ham.
(groans) Actually, these traps aren't so funny.
- Hey, let's all walk across this narrow bridge together.
What could possibly go wrong?
- Prepare to die again, you undead dead people.
- Very creative.
- Ooh, check it out, grim armor.
- Isn't that kind of disrespectful?
You know, wearing a corpse like that.
- Oh, who am I gonna upset, a skeleton?
- Hey, that dude's wearing Kevin!
That's my dead cousin, you mother (bleep).
- Dude, Kevin is gone, let him go.
- All right, we made it to the tomb.
- Let's loot some ancient caskets.
- Uh, guys.
- [Pig] He's sleeping, should we wake him up?
- What are those other skeletons doing?
Just watching him sleep?
Creepy, much.
- Prepare to die at the hands of The Nameless One.
- Ah, so you're The Nameless One?
- Let's name him Larry!
- What, no!
Prepare for the most intense battle of your lives.
- Dude, it's Dungeons.
I'm gonna move to the left and shoot my arrows.
(intense music) (arrows flying)
He dropped his staff.
- Destroy it!
(stomping)
All right, now to just escape the temple.
- Hey, those guys are trying to escape the temple.
Get him!
- This one is for Kevin!
- Stan, pull out your Totem of Regeneration.
We might need it.
- Oh man, look how cute that thing is.
Can I hold him?
- Of course.
(gentle piano music)
- Hey, it worked!
Ah, the snowy mountains.
Stick out your tongue and catch some snowflakes.
- Blegh, that's not snow, it's ash.
- Yes, idiots, we're at Fiery Forge.
- Whoa, this is where the Arch-Illager
builds his weapons of destruction!
- Well that explains why it's filled
to the T with skele-dorks.
Well, no better option than to battle through 'em.
(door slams)
Okay, there might have been some better options.
- Heads up, looks like we're about
to run into some old friends.
- Hey, pillager, longtime no see, man.
What've you been up to?
- Oh, you know, robbing, killing, the usual.
- Nice, nice.
- Hey, it's those guys who murdered
hundreds of our family members.
Oh, damn it old man.
- Sorry, sonny.
- Hey, it's like a cool little house in here.
In fact, I'm staying in here.
It's safer.
- What, no dude, come on.
We gotta make it to the core.
- Get out of my room.
You're not my real dad!
- Man, I don't mind those skeletons and vindicators,
but what I really hate are redstone golems.
Oh God, there's one behind me isn't there.
(grunts)
Did you just backhand me?
- Run!
- Oh God, there's enemies everywhere.
- Where, I don't see them.
- They're way over there, off screen.
Good thing these arrows aim themselves.
(arrows fly)
- Stan, that's a core activator.
You need to overload it.
(grunts)
(explodes)
Oh God, don't look now,
but there's a giant redstone monstrosity behind you.
- What, monstrosity?
- No, that's literally what you're called.
You're a redstone monstrosity.
- Get him, cubes!
- In my next life, don't let me come back as a cube!
- Come here, I'm gonna squash you.
- Not so long as my totem of shielding--
(rocks crumble)
- [Narrator] Stan used every single artifact that day.
The corrupted beacon, the fireworks arrow,
even the stinky shoe, an un-lockable DLC weapon
available in the game through micro-transaction.
The monstrosity eventually was killed.
Though it was not by the doings of our hero.
He slammed the ground so hard
that he fell into a pool of scorching lava.
- The Arch-Illager will just love this party
we are throwing for him! (groans)
- Allow me to tenderize that meat for you.
- Now this is what I call crashing a party.
(tableware crashes)
- Hey, this party is invite only!
Guards, get them!
- Ooh, finally I get to help out!
As the Royal Guard, I declare you an enemy to the--
What the, where'd my shield go?
I swear, I just had it-- (yells)
When I catch you, I'm gonna mace you good!
- Phew, we made it outside.
- Uh oh, this place is filled with mobs.
- Yeah, loser mobs.
Look at these basic ass zombies
and nonthreatening skeletons.
I mean, they're not even allowed inside.
They just got to hang out in these tents,
like some homeless bums.
- We're not losers.
- Shut up loser!
Hey, there's a chest.
- What could be inside?
- Bread and arrows, like always.
- It is bread and arrows!
(groaning)
All right, the Arch-Illager should be in here.
- So, you've made it to my throne room.
Unfortunately for you, there's an army of--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
- Oh, I thought maybe I could just kill you.
- No, no, no, that's not how this works.
You fight my mobs and I run away.
- Well, we'll have to defeat him another time.
- No, we're following him.
The Arch-Illager's reign of terror ends tonight.
- That's great, but who knows where he ran off to?
- He's right outside on top of that tower!
- Ugh, this game, I swear to God.
(intense music)
- So this is it, huh?
You found all my rooms and finally tracked me down.
- Actually, I don't think we found any rooms.
- Time to use my ultimate weapon!
Tiny pink squares.
(arrows fly)
- Wow, if his head was just a little less wide,
he would've survived that.
- Well, that was actually pretty easy, oh my God.
(creature roars)
Oh God, run, run, run, more fire!
- Stan, use the bread.
- This better be good for something.
(creature roars)
(creature chokes)
- Hey, you know what?
I don't feel so evil.
- [Narrator] Our heroes had done it.
They had defeated the Arch-Illager and vanquished all evil.
(Arch-Illager yells)
- Dude, you heard him, he wasn't evil anymore!
- He doesn't have to be evil, I still don't like him.
(gentle uplifting music)