Hi, my name is Stephanie and today I wanted to talk to you about why aspies
or people on the spectrum can come across as controlling. One thing that I
definitely think people are not fans of is being around controlling people. And
unfortunately, people on the spectrum can come across that way. They want to tell
you exactly how you should do something and correct you if you're doing it wrong,
or the way they perceive is wrong. They will refuse to do things that they don't
want to do and will make a big deal out of it. They will practically lose their
minds if things don't go precisely as they planned them to. If you're not on
the spectrum, this can be really exhausting to deal with and you might
not understand why this is happening. Why can't they be spontaneous? Why can't they
just let me do it this way? Why can't they just listen? It can seem like a
mystery or like someone's trying to control you when you deal with someone
on the spectrum. You see, in their world, in our world, change is the enemy. Doing
something different just seems wrong and can cause anxiety of varying degrees.
Many of them don't know why they want to scream at you when you decide to take a
different route or change dinner plans suddenly. For me, a lot of the anxiety
from change comes from the fact that I had a loose idea of what was going to
be happening and now I don't. For me, the fewer details, the more anxiety. It
helps me to be able to visualize what's going to happen. What, you know, my role is
in the situation, how I'm going to handle things, or if they're familiar things, it's
not so much I have to, like, really list those things in my mind, but something
that I don't expect is hard for me to kind of cope with the change. And my
husband is someone who enjoys winging it. He likes to be spontaneous and have fun
and I don't like winging it. I like to have details and he also likes to try to,
like, kind of hide the details so it's more of a surprise. And I learned that I
don't really like surprises all that much. I just, I want to know...
I want to know the details. All the details. As for telling you how to do
things the right way, that's another part of our world. See, as we have to learn how
to navigate this world, we learn that there are things that don't make sense
but we make them rules in our minds. So the rule is that this works exactly this
way and that's how we deal with it. Sometimes, there aren't real reasons for
the rules, just that that's how it was and that's how it is. So, when we see you
doing something differently from the way that we did it, it looks like you're
doing it the wrong way because the way that we learned how to do it, or the way
that we're doing it, is the right way. Now, sometimes there are legitimate reasons
because you're going to run into issues that we've already solved, but sometimes
it's just that you're doing it differently and it seems like you're
doing it wrong. So, a lot of times we feel like we're
helping you because we're helping you not receive whatever awful consequences
there are for doing something the wrong way. And we get frustrated when you get
frustrated when you just want us to let you keep doing it the wrong way! Other
times, it's simply that the person is so wrapped up in whatever they're doing
then it's hard for them to separate it. Their mind, all of their thoughts,
emotions, just their, like, entire being is being wrapped up in this one thing,
especially if it's really interesting to them. So, even if you manage to, like,
separate them and pull them, you know, away from whatever they were doing to go
do something else, the likelihood is that they're still going to be talking about
what they were doing or what they're gonna want to do with that thing. Or
they're going to be staring off into space imagining what they were doing or
what they're gonna do next. While there are some people who are controlling for
the fun of it, to be able to manipulate people into giving them everything that
they want, exactly how they want it, that's not usually the case for people
with autism or Asperger's. Now, don't get me wrong,
there are some people who have not had to deal with tolerating the reality of
the world and have not really been told "no" and will be very upset to realize
that the world doesn't revolve around them. That is the case with some people.
But for many people it's not being controlling on purpose or
even being spoiled. It's that our world is very different from yours and in our
world, doing the wrong thing or even being thrown into an unexpected change
has dire consequences. And we're just protecting ourselves, and sometimes even
you, from those consequences. Hopefully, this video helped you understand why
people on the spectrum or who have Asperger's might come across as
controlling. If you enjoyed this video, go ahead and give it a thumbs up and let me
know your thoughts about this topic in the comments below. Also, hit that
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wonderful week and see me in my next video. Bye!