Well, guys,
there's a conspiracy theory going around about...
that Stevie Wonder isn't blind.
It's not a lot of people, but, uh, Shaq, of all people,
is a believer of this theory.
We live in the building on Wilshire.
So, you park your car, and there are valets down there.
So, I'm already in the building.
I'm coming through the lobby.
Door opens. There's Stevie Wonder.
He comes in. Says, "What's up, Shaq?"
Presses the button. It's a true story.
Presses the button.
Gets off on the floor by himself. Goes to his room.
I went and called every person I knew.
(laughter)
Oh, come on. You can tell Shaq is on your elevator
by the sag. It's sagging.
Or-or he... Or the smell.
There's no way Shaq doesn't have a very distinct smell.
Stevie's like... (sniffing)
"Mm, Drakkar Noir. Vape juice.
White pussy. What's up, Shaq? Kazam!"
-I'm so sorry. I do what I do. -I know, so sorry.
-I don't have another gear. -I taught... (laughs)
He can't turn it off, Mom.
What if he's right and Stevie Wonder's
just been pulling this off for his entire career?
Yeah, he seems to know when it's sunny out.
(laughter)
Um, yeah, I...
He was my Uber driver once,
and I never... I never even put it together.
-We talked about music. -KASHER: We're also missing
a very interesting part of the story,
which is Shaquille O'Neal and Stevie Wonder are condo owners?
Why don't they buy houses?
They're so wealthy.
They pay HOA fees
and going to board meetings and stuff?
It's true, 'cause I met Bill Gates.
Uh, we own a place in La Mirada.
We're in the same, uh, apartment complex.
And, uh... No, same joke.
Anyway, um...
No, it's great. I never thought this show was really dirty,
and then my mom's here, and now I feel like...
-But, Mom, it's going good. -HOLMES: It's always about
-an exciting element. -And your legs have fallen asleep
at this point. I know you wanted that plant back.
-I did. -SPADE: Um, because Pete gave it to you.
That's right. Pete is one of my favorites.
-HOLMES: Aw. -SPADE: Aw, isn't that sweet?
-What about me, though? -SPADE: He's trying to get there.
I love you, Marsha.
-HOLMES: Marsha. -SIVAN: Marsha.
Well, we're through the worst of the dirty stuff, so here we go.
Thousands of fishes that look like wieners
-have washed up on... -(laughter and applause)
You know, I spoke too soon, Mom. I'm sorry.
This is science. This is a true...
This is a nautical story.
Um, uh, all these washed up on shore.
It looked like an Instagram model's DMs.
-Hey! -So, what's going on up here?
Was it gay pride already? What's happened?
No, it would seem that the Kardashian sisters
got a little sick after that P. Diddy party.
-Hey! -Wow.
What? They threw these up?
(retches) "What a party!
What a night! Happy birthday, Diddy."
-I will say... -Look, though, they're-they're Jewish.
(laughter)
Okay. You know what? That's actually where I draw the line.
-SPADE: Too far. Too far. -Not cool.
-That was too edgy. -SIVAN: I'm... (laughs)
I will say, if Jesus is gay,
this is a Christmas miracle.
And that's where sperm whales come from.
-I have two. -(laughs): "I have two."
No, I-- Don't let 'em near the blowfish.
But all kidding aside, I feel like--
Some people aren't embar-- I see wieners all day at my Equinox.
You ever go to your gym, there's some old guy, like,
with his foot up on the thing, blow-drying his balls.
(mimics blow-dryer)
He's like, "How 'bout that Lamar?"
I'm like, "Let's give it a second here. You're not done."
These are big dicks, too.
They just came out of cold water.
-Yeah. True. Very true. -Yeah.
-That was good. Funny. -No, I like that.
-I don't know about you guys. -Listen. -Hey, any time
in the same segment there's big dicks and Jewish dicks together,
I'm a happy man.
Well, we're gonna talk more about rap stuff for you, Mom.
Rapper Cam'ron says he's, uh,
dino-agnostic.
He doesn't believe dinosaurs ever existed.
I'm listening.
Uh, do you think he's Cam'wrong on this or...
-(laughs): Hey. -Wouldn't that be dino-atheist?
Dino-agnostics mean he doesn't believe
in human beings' capacity to know whether or not dinosaurs...
-Easy, fact checker. Yeah. -That's right.
That's what he's saying.
Sorry, I'm on cocaine.
(laughing)
Sorry, I extracted the humor out of the bit.
(sucking sounds)
Let's just get this straight.
This is on television. Let's get it straight.
Dinosaurs are not a conspiracy.
They definitely, 100%,
millions of year-years ago, walked around on the flat Earth.
-That's real. -Yes.
And Stevie Wonder can see them.
-(chuckles) -There was a quote
from this article that was so funny to me.
I just wanted to qu-- to quick--
-I know you want to wrap things up, -Please.
but it just made me laugh so much.
This is a quote from Cam'ron. He says, he says,
"There's-- There-There's no proof.
"Because they throw these big bones, pause,
"up there in a museum, and then be like,
"'Yo, these are the people that were here before us.'"
Does Cam'ron think dinosaurs were people?
I don't know. It's-it's all murky,
because that sounds like there's no real dinosaurs.
He just turned me around.