I'm going to make tea for you. - Tea.
Yeah. I'm going to make tea. - Yes.
Yeah.
Because I keep saying 'Chai Time', 'Chai Time' and...
and this time, I'm going to make it 'coz...
I think I want to show you guys how I make tea because I take tea very seriously.
Okay. So...
Yea. It's serious shit.
Like I wanted to...
Yeah.
Is this off? Okay.
So, I actually wanted to cook it on the stove.
But, that'll be insane, right?
If I got like a stove, and I got like a gas.
You know. That'll be crazy. So...
I had to get this induction cooker and...
It's great. I think the technology is amazing, you know.
But, It's... it's...
It's kind of tough to make tea on this.
Because with the stove, the heat is very gradual.
You know.
It's like a car.
It's like a internal combustion car.
Which accelerates slow...
This induction cooker is like these Tesla cars, dude.
You know, these electric cars. - Yeah.
Where it's just like... whoa!
It's either, it's not boiling,
Or your family died in a milk drowning accident.
It's just very extreme.
So, I get very scared using this.
But I have to. So....
This is the official tea making vessel.
This is little intimidating though.
Put weights and fucking do curls, yeah.
So, the tea vessel is this and...
Obviously at home, I don't cook... make tea like this.
Yeah. It's not like, "Oh, lovely."
Oh, all my ingredients are already cut!
Wonderful.
Elizabeth.
Are the horses well?
You know, just...
No, it's...
Usually, I just wake up in the morning...
But, you know...
Presentation is everything.
You know. Now, tea is all about proportion.
Right? That's what I'm going to say now, that it's all about proportion.
If you get the proportion wrong...
it's really bad.
It really depresses me.
Like, you see the colour and you're like, "Oh my God." - Yeah.
Yes. - Yeah.
It's gutter water, basically. - Yeah.
Like, if you get the proportion wrong, okay?
So, the proportion for good tea is this much milk,
Yes. Water. Yeah - And this much water.
I could say one fourth...
But, it's not right.
It's a feeling.
It's not a proportion.
You do... you pour the milk and you're like...
That's it. That's the...
You're not like mathematically, Edison...
It's not like that. It has to be one fourth.
And as you can see, my really American poster milk.
I felt like it should make that sound.
Oh no! Not me today.
All my characters are going to be British today.
Hello. My name is Milky Do-Right!
Yeah, I assume. Going to pour some milk.
Yup. It is correct.
Now, the thing is, I know how much milk this cup needs.
If you change this to a different cup, I'm like... Ugh!
What? They're like, 'I don't know how much to put.'
Okay. So, we put this much.
You know what's amazing right now? That you guys paid 500 bucks to watch me make tea.
That's why I do comedy, guys.
Just to push the boundaries.
Of mediocrity. It's just my favourite thing.
If water falls on the induction cooker, will we all die?
I just feel we... We all die.
Any new technology, I get damn freaked out. - Don't use the...
'Coz you guys are reacting like...
No! Not the velvet cloth.
That's the one thing induction cookers hate.
Don't you know the great war of induction and velvets?
Now, we do.
Scary shit.
Yes. Now, this is the time...
where...
amateurs...
will wait...
for it to boil.
While pro tea makers...
know that this is the time where they can make conversation.
With their friends.
In the living room.
'Coz cooking is a very lonely... lonely profession where...
If you volunteer to cook, you're going to miss out on the party.
That's the sad truth. Even though you are serving everybody.
So, this is the part like... "Hey, I easily have 40 seconds so, what's the great conversation they're having outside?"
'Coz no one will come with you to give company for tea.
Maybe, biryani. Yeah.
'Coz that takes effort.
Tea they're like, "Just go alone and make it."
So, you come out and you're like, "Then? Then what happened?"
Oh my God, really?
Tell me that Goa st... Yeah, tell that Goa story, Na.
And some fucker in the group will be like, "Hey bro, the milk might... the milk..."
The milk might...
I know.
Bitch.
Now, at this point, some people have already disagreed with me.
'Coz some weird people boil the water...
and then they add the milk. - Yeah.
Oh yeah. - Yeah, yeah, I call them mass murderers.
Yeah, I've done a study. All of them went on to murder people.
You have to boil...
the water...
the milk together.
You have to. - Yes.
Both of the ingredients have to meet first.
They have to chill with each other for a bit.
Get a connection going.
So, when it starts boiling with passion,
That's when their marriage is consummated.
Yeah. Which is tea leaves.
Now, the thing is... so...
Like genuine people when they cook, they've cooked for so long, they just fucking throw...
So, I don't cook much. So, I really enjoy the process of making tea.
So, even the little step, I'll try to like...
make it fashionable. Oh, the tea leaves.
Let me spread it. - Oh.
Ah.
This week in Masterchef Australia... yeah.
Again, going to make it all...
Hey, we gotta be arrogant sometimes!
Fuck, yeah.
I meant to do that.
So, there's some finely chopped garlic.
(audience member): Garlic?!
Which is...
I was saying garlic which is also commonly paired with ginger.
Everybody's an expert.
Put some ginger.
Yeah, I know that shit.
Put some ginger. Now, this is already chopped, okay?
Which I've never done in my life.
'Coz when you look at ginger, you're like, "Hey...
you're anyway ugly..."
Why should... If I... like when you...
Most vegetables when you peel them, they look wonderful.
Like...
Like potato is like, "Oh my God. I'm so slippery. Oh my God."
So, wet right naw. That's how potatoes look when they are peeled.
Ginger's like, "I'm still ugly."
I'm still ugly.
Oh, yeah. I think the tea is done.
This is the fun part.
(audience member):Directly put it...
Sorry? - Put it directly in the cup.
Is this a challenge?
Is this a mother fucking challenge.
She challenged me, dude.
It's all a man has.
His self esteem.
Oh God. I don't think I can.
Okay. I'll do it.
I'm a crazy mofo yo.
Hey, with one hand, my friend. Please.
Yeah, come on. You should give me leeway, no?
Which is a very weird word... leeway.
It is, right? Why is it leeway?
Who's Lee, anyway?
And why is he always getting his way?
Why can't it be Kumar way?
Or Amway?
It's already there.
Yeah.
The tea is ready.
The thing is that I am Malayali.
There is one step.
Yeah. - Yes. Which is?
(audience memeber): Add coconut. - Yeah. Add coconut. Are you racist?
This has to stop.
I can't do this... I can't do this shit anymore.
We don't put...
coconut in everything.
No, I genuinely feel he thinks we do.
It's not like at funerals when people have died like...
His last coconut.
Add coconut to it...
Jesus.
How could you ruin tea? I just don't understand.
Yeah, I'm not going to do that step 'coz it's going to make a mess.
Yeah, I just made tea for myself.
Yeah. Awesome.
Now I can have my tea.
Okay. So, a lot of people ask me why...
Some people genuinely ask me.
They're like, "Hey, man."
"We're alone now."
"Do you actually like tea?"
I'm like,"yeah, I actually like tea." I love tea. But...
But, like all my fondest memories have been...
like you know, when you go to the mountains and you drive up the hill.
You know... 'coz that's one process you have to go through.
You know... and you go up the hill and then, you're just looking for excuses...
to stop, right? 'Coz you want to enjoy the scenery.
Like, an excuse of, "Oh my God, this is a tree I haven't see before."
Is a very lame excuse. So, like, "Hey, there's tea."
And you go, get down, you have tea.
And... the best conversations I've had are over tea.
I mean, alcohol also, you have great conversations.
Okay. I'm not saying it doesn't. But, it always leads to something else.
The reason I like tea, is because it reminds me of my mom.
So, my mom stays in Bangalore.
I just moved to Bombay.
And, I'm super homesick.
So, my mom and my relationship is very formal.
'Coz my dad's like...
Have you... you know... you've seen my dad in my videos.
Yes. - Yeah. He's too chilled nowadays.
Little worrying.
Like, it's weird.
Because now I'm his dad, okay?
Like before my dad used to be, you know, dad type, "Stay at home. I'm coming at 8."
Now, if I'm going out, my dad's like, "Hey where're you going? I'll also come with you."
Uh... okay, dad.
But, he's adorable. We have a very good relationship.
My mom and me are very formal.
It's also because of the language barrier.
'Coz my mom speaks Malayalam.
And I speak bullshit.
So...
We... we get lost in translation.
And also my mom's pretty formal. My mom's a bad ass.
My dad's very like... he's the emotional guy.
You know, when we have fights... when my brother used to have fights...
My mom... my dad would be like, "Why are you guys fighting?"
You guys are brothers. You should...
Brother bond is the best.
My mom is like, "Hey, when I was young, in the village and all..."
my sister died suddenly and...
we didn't cry. Like my mom's...
And it happened, I think. It did happen.
My mom's very hard core. She has a point. She's...
She's sees this is all petty shit. This is all petty shit for my mom.
That's why she's full hard core.
So, we all have a very formal relationship.
But, recently, I've been developing a good relationship with my mom.
'Coz I've dated some wonderful people.
They have put me in touch with my emotions.
'Coz, till then staying with guys, it's a little tough, right?
Were this close to murdering, right? So...
So, the women are kind of like, "Why do you want to murder?"
Ask yourself.
Why do I want to murder?
And then, you realise you get in touch with your emotions.
So, I'm trying to develop this relationship with my mom.
And my mom's not bothered.
Whenever I go back home, I'm like, "Hey, How are you ma?"
She's like, "Good. Shut up."
She goes back and again, my mom is a....
She's done a huge sacrifice, you know... She takes care of me.
My dad, me and my brother. And this fourth guy, I don't know.
I don't know. He keeps coming to our house.
And...
And the amount of sacrifice she's done, If I think about it, it'll just depress me.
And, like she's always put us...
first so... I'm like, "How the fuck do I have moments with her?"
So, she's super nourishing. Like, she always wants to take care of me.
So, when I go home, my mom will ask me this incredible question.
"Should I make some tea?".
Which in Malayalam means, "Should I make you some tea?"
Are you Malayali?
Oh, okay. Thank God. Otherwise it would very weird if you just...
nodding.
I could have said, "Hey, scratch your bum?"
It would be like... And you would be like, "Yeah."
That's why I'm just cross checking.
Lot of liars in the audience. That's why I'm just cross checking.
Lot of liars in the audience.
I'm just kidding. So...
And I respond with, "Aam."
Because "Aam" is less arrogant than "Yes". - Yes.
Or, "Make tea for me."
Or, "I want."
"Aam" is surrender. It's like "Yes".
Do what you do. Take care of me.
So, my mom makes tea.
So, what I mean... my mom would be sitting in front of me, still we won't have a conversation.
'Coz my mom's just like in her own zone.
She's like...
If I could revisit that fight, who would I murder?
Like, my mom...
That's what she does all day. Just revisits the fights she's had in her life.
and how she would have... straight up murdered everybody.
I think murder is the theme of today.
So...
That's what she keeps thinking and...
No conversation is as exciting as that.
So, I'll give... we'll really talk about tea, she's like...
-"How is the tea?". -"Tea is great!".
So, we just keep talking about that.
And so, tea for me is home. Tea for me, is my mom.
And that's why, 'Chai Time' is the best time.
Whoa. - Yeah. That's why it is. Thank you.
Now the tea is cold.
Fuck!
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