>>> AOL HAS ANNOUNCED THAT THEIR LONG-RUNNING INSTANT MESSENGER
SERVICE WILL SHUT DOWN FOR GOOD IN DECEMBER.
AOL'S ANNOUNCEMENT SAID SIMPLY --
>> GOOD-BYE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> THE WORLD'S HEAVIEST WOMAN DIED THIS WEEK.
THE WORLD'S HEAVIEST WOMAN WAS BEST KNOWN FOR HER CATCH PHRASE,
STOP CALLING ME THAT. >>> FOR O.J. SIMPSON'S FIRST
MEAL AFTER BEING RELEASED FROM PRISON, HE HAD TWO DOUBLE
QUARTER POUNDER MEALS FROM McDONALD'S.
WHICH EXPLAINS THE NEW SLOGAN FOR BURGER KING.
>> BURGER KING -- O.J. EATS AT McDONALD'S.
>>> THE WHITE HOUSE IS EXPECTED TO SOON ROLL BACK THE FEDERAL
REQUIREMENT FOR EMPLOYERS TO INCLUDE BIRTH CONTROL COVERAGE
IN THEIR HEALTH INSURANCE. WHICH IS RIDICULOUS.
I MEAN OF ALL THE GOOFY NONSENSE THAT EMPLOYERS DO PAY FOR,
COOKIE CAKES, TOTE BAGS, OFFICE PARTIES, YOU CAN'T ALSO
SPRING $10 A MONTH FOR BIRTH CONTROL?
SKIP ONE BAGEL FRIDAY SO THAT KAREN IN ACCOUNTING DOESN'T HAVE
TO TAKE A MATERNITY LEAVE EVERY TIME SHE
WANTS TO RAW DOG HER HUSBAND. [ LAUGHTER ]
KAREN IN ACCOUNTING BEGGED ME NOT TO TELL THAT JOKE.
HOW CAN ANY GUY BE AGAINST BIRTH CONTROL IF IT MEANS BETTER SEX
AND NO KIDS? WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GET ANY OF
THE SIDE EFFECTS. WOMEN DO.
AND THEY'RE FINE WITH IT FOR SOME SEASON.
HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW WE'RE GETTING AWAY WITH IT.
IT KNOCKS THEIR CHEMISTRY OUT OF WHACK.
I MEAN, WOMEN ARE ACTUALLY WILLING TO PUT THEIR BODY
THROUGH GLOBAL WARMING JUST SO I CAN KEEP PRETENDING TO HAVE
A LATEX ALLERGY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> HORRIBLE. >> LG HAS INTRODUCED A NEW SMART
PHONE THAT EMITS ULTRASONIC WAVES WHICH IT SAYS WILL KEEP
MOSQUITOS AWAY -- FROM YOUR NEW BRAIN TUMOR.
>> A NEW SURVEY FINDS THAT HALF OF AMERICANS THINK THAT IN THE
FUTURE HAVING SEX WITH A ROBOT WILL BE NORMAL.
WHILE OTHER HALF ARE WOMEN. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> OCTOBER IS NATIONAL SARCASM AWARENESS MONTH.
>> COOL. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THERE HAS BEEN A NATIONAL CONVERSATION THIS WEEK ABOUT
MENTAL HEALTH. HERE TO SHARE HIS THOUGHTS ON
THIS TOPIC IS PETE DAVIDSON. >> HEY.
HELLO. AS SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW, I WAS
RECENTLY DIAGNOSED WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
AND DEPRESSION, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, IS A DISEASE THAT
AFFECTS MORE THAN 16 MILLION PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY.
AND THERE IS NO LIKE CURE, PER SE.
BUT LIKE FOR ANYONE DEALING WITH IT THERE ARE TREATMENTS THAT CAN
HELP. LIKE, FIRST OF ALL IF YOU THINK
YOU ARE DEPRESSED SEE A DOCTOR AND TALK TO THEM ABOUT
MEDICATION. ALSO, BE HEALTHY.
EATING RIGHT AND EXERCISE CAN MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE.
AND FINALLY, IF YOU ARE IN THE CAST OF A LATE NIGHT COMEDY SHOW
IT MIGHT HELP IF THEY, YOU KNOW, DO MORE OF YOUR SKETCHES.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WAIT, WAIT.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU ARE DEPRESSED BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT
GETTING ENOUGH AIR TIME? >> NO.
I WAS BORN DEPRESSED. BUT IT MIGHT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER
IF I WAS ON TV MORE. >>
>> I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS THE BEST APPROACH, PETE.
>> IT'S WORTH A SHOT. I MEAN, COME ON.
THIS SHOW IS LIKE EIGHT HOURS LONG AND THERE IS 50 SKETCHES A
WEEK. IT SEEMS WEIRD YOU WOULDN'T USE
ONE THEM TO FIGHT MENTAL HEALTH. BUT I GUESS THAT'S NOT YOUR
THING. >> MAYBE ONE APPROACH WOULD BE
TO WRITE BETTER SKETCHES. >> THEY WON'T WORK.
MY SKETCHES ALL SUCK, BECAUSE THEY'RE WRITTEN BY A DEPRESSED
PERSON. LORNE SAID THAT.
>> SO IT'S KIND OF LIKE A CHICKEN AND THE EGG THING.
>> EXACTLY. IN FACT "CHICKEN AND THE EGG"
WAS ALSO A SKETCH THAT GOT CUT. IT WAS ABOUT A CHICKEN THAT ATE
EGGS, BUT IT WAS ALSO ABOUT BLACK LIVES MATTER.
>> IT SOUNDS TERRIBLE. >> IT IS.
SO I NEED YOU TO WRITE IT FOR ME.
>> WAIT, IT'S A NOT EVEN WRITTEN YET?
>> NO, I'M DEPRESSED. LOOK -- HERE.
I HAVE A DOCTOR'S NOTE. I'LL READ IT.
>> FOR THE AIR TIME. >> YEAH.
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, PETE'S -- PLEASE USE PETE IN MORE
SKETCHES WHERE HE GETS TO KISS THE HOST.
AND USE MORE OF HIS RAP VIDEOS, WHICH I HEAR ARE ACTUALLY REALLY
GOOD. ALSO -- THIS DOCTOR IS GOOD,
MAN. >> SOUNDS LIKE A REAL DOCTOR.
>> ALSO, HE SHOULD PLAY REX TILLERSON A LOT.
SIGNED PETE DAVIDSON'S DOCTOR. >> THAT SOUNDS LEGIT.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LEGIT -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
-- DOCTOR, PETE. >> ALSO, YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE
REX TILLERSON. >> SO GIVE ME A MASK.
HE LOOKS LIKE A MUPPET FELL IN A LAKE.
AND THAT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY JOKES YOU WILL SEE NEXT WEEK ON
PETE DAVIDSON'S FIRST IMPRESSIONS SEGMENT.
>> PETE DAVIDSON, EVERYONE. >> HOW HAVE I NOT BEEN FIRED.
>> WEEKEND UPDATE. I'M COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE. GOOD NIGHT.