- I am a Muslim.
Are there any Muslims here?
(audience laughing)
Oh, you too?
Two right up front.
Thank you, I needed support, good.
People hate us a lot.
I don't know if you know that.
It sucks.
Anytime there's a conflict, they always wheel out
these hacks to talk about Muslims.
They use the same bullshit buzzwords.
They're always like, hey, I want to see
a moderate Muslim denounce terror.
Show me one of the moderate Muslims denounce.
If there are so many, show me a moderate one denounce.
It's like, what a demeaning label to give
a billion people, right?
See, you've got your moderate Muslims, your mild Muslims,
sweet and sour Muslims, teriyaki Muslim, lemon pepper,
and also we do denounce terror all the time,
but nobody puts a camera on that.
Nobody wants to see people be moderate.
That's boring.
You want to see people jump up and down and be crazy.
It's all part of the fucking news system
is to sensationalize everything and make it
look worse than it is.
It makes me so fucking mad.
I just wanna blow some shit up, you know.
I just want to like, murder. (audience laughing)
I just wanna kill.
Anyone else have that instinct circulating in their blood?
Anybody got that?
Yeah, what's up?
- I fucking love the bath, dude.
I spent so much time in the bath as a teenager
'cause I was like, kind of a horny teen,
but I was also Christian and we had
very strong water pressure.
(audience laughing)
Okay, good.
Couple other ladies used to fuck their tub.
(audience laughing)
It's not technically masturbation if you're just
getting your pussy really clean and,
I read that in the Bible, okay.
(audience cheering)
(Amy laughing)
I don't know, I genuinely don't know what my mom
thought I was joining in there so much.
Like, I was just passionate about cleanliness.
Like, I was just 15 and comin' and,
(audience laughing)
don't picture it, sir.
I said the age.
(audience laughing)
- That's what I do now.
I drink red wine and mind other people's business
in private like an adult.
(audience applauding)
That's my favorite drink, red wine.
I love red wine because you only need one glass
to get to where you need to be.
(audience laughing)
I see people out partying, taking shots.
I'm like, just order a glass of wine.
(audience laughing)
I don't know how rappers aren't rapping about red wine.
I don't, 'cause rappers, they sell alcohol,
but it's always the hard stuff.
It's always like vodka or tequila, but if you listen
to their lyrics, rappers get very emotional.
I'm like, this don't sound like tequila.
(audience laughing)
Every rap song is always the same thing.
It's always, I'm better than you, I'm tougher than you.
I got more money than you.
I'm like, nigga, you been drinking Malbec?
(audience laughing)
'Cause that is exactly how I feel when I'm scrolling
through Instagram in my boxers on a Friday night.
So, I know what you mean, Gucci Mane, I get it.
- 'Cause like the dudes pretty much
leave me alone, you know.
It's either out of confusion or respect, and,
(audience laughing)
I think it's a great combo of both,
but I go to parties and like the women are just like,
I gotta know what pronouns you use!
What are your pronouns?
And like, they don't even know my name yet,
but they're like, what pronoun?
I gotta know.
I gotta know, I gotta know,
(audience laughing)
and I'm like, they/them, and they're like,
she uses they/them, everybody.
(audience laughing)
Just letting everybody know.
This woman, this senorita,
she uses they/them, so everybody get on board.
If you don't care, don't ask, you know what I mean?
If you don't care what my pronouns are, don't ask.
That's my update to don't ask, don't tell.
If you don't care, don't ask.
(audience laughing)
Leave me alone.
- Worked at Jimmy John's for three years.
It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
My boss was too much, too much energy.
He'd always be like, it'd be 7:00 a.m.
He'd be like, hey, who wants to be
the fastest store in Georgia?
And we'd be like, none of us really want that.
(audience laughing)
We make minimum wage.
Why would I want to be poor and tired?
(audience laughing)
I would like to be the slowest store ever,
and I want to steal,
(audience laughing)
and I did.
I stole every day that I worked at Jimmy John's.
(audience cheering)
Thank you.
Sometimes they'd send me home early and I'd be like,
I didn't even get to steal yet, and they'd be like,
ha ha ha, and I'd go hmm hmm hmm.
(audience laughing)
- I got a handjob on the beach.
Now my friends keep calling me Moonlight,
(audience laughing)
and I feel like that's unfair to the movie Moonlight.
I'm just going to say that.
I feel like the movie's too good to compare.
It's not the same thing.
Barry Jenkins wrote the fuck out of that script.
Mahershala Ali acted his ass off.
I just nutted next to the ocean, that's all I did.
(audience laughing)
I ain't doing, I ain't do anything.
There's a lot of, it was a lot of friction.
It was very, it was not fun.
(audience laughing)
I feel like if anything, my handjob, it was like,
it was more like a Zack Snyder film.
It was just too long.
It felt like they had the visuals in mind
before they wrote the script, you know what I'm saying?
(audience laughing)
It's not good.
I also don't really identify with the themes
of that movie like that.
Like, I don't really know about my sexuality
in that way, you know?
Like, I took an online quiz that said I was bisexual,
but I was like, you know, yo, I was trying
to find out my Hogwarts house.
What the fuck is this?
(audience laughing)
What is that, Ravenclaw?
Is Ravenclaw bisexual?
Or is it Hufflepuff, which one?
I've heard both.
All I know is Slytherin means you're too straight,
and Gryffindor means you fuck books or something like that.
I don't know.
(audience laughing)
That's all I know.