- [Announcer] The winning,
the witch hunts,
the fire,
the fury.
It's the Best Presidency Ever!
(music)
- Yesterday, as you know,
an American airstrike killed an Iranian general called
Qasem Soleimani, but it's no exaggeration to say that
by the next time this show airs,
we could be engaged in a conflict.
A real conflict with Iran.
- It is dangerous to give stupid people
little bits of information.
So clearly somebody--
When Soleimani, when they killed Soleimani
and then Iran was threatening back.
Somebody said to Trump,
well they had 52 hostages
and he ran with it.
- President Trump didn't say he'd go after a cultural side.
read, read what he said.
- We have targeted 52 Iranian sites
representing the 52 American hostages.
- In an attempt to keep those 52 sites safe,
Iran immediately had a Confederate statue
placed at each one.
- When I first found out about the coronavirus,
I stood still.
I didn't know how to react.
I didn't make any sudden moves.
(laughs)
Said the president.
- [Donald] I still like playing it down.
- [Scott] Yes I--
- [Donald] Because I don't want to create a panic.
- I can't believe this guy made people wait
when they needed that stimulus check,
because he wanted to put his signature on it.
- You know what it is.
That's what happens when you have like a cool signature.
You just want to like sign everything, look, look.
He would rather be signing titties
but here he is just all these blank sheets of paper.
- Instead of wasting your time signing
all those damn checks,
you should've just threw out money
like you did for the Puerto Ricans.
- Thanks to Donald Trump
the economy is doing so poorly
that people have to take jobs that are below them.
I'm not going to say I'm talking about myself
in this show, but.
- And he keeps saying,
"The only reason we have so many cases
is because we test more."
- You know, testing is a double-edged sword.
When you do testing to that extent,
you're going to find more people.
You're going to find more cases.
So I said to my people slow the testing down, please.
Supposing we hit the body with a tremendous,
whether it's ultraviolet or just very powerful light.
Right, and then I see the disinfectant,
where it knocks it out in a minute, one minute.
And is there a way we can do something like that?
- Like he wasn't thinking right?
If you want people to drink disinfectant,
he should've had Brett Kavanaugh shout,
I like drinking disinfectant.
I drink two disinfectants,
uh three disinfectants.
I got a couple of disinfectants in my uh...
in my locker right now.
- It turns out hydroxy- chloroquine works about
as often as half the people in this video.
Yes, me included.
- [Ismaila] This morning, a grim new prediction,
nearly 300,000 deaths in the US before the new year
according to a research center
at the University of Washington.
- Where are the ventilators?
Where are the gowns?
Where's the PPEs.
Where are the masks?
Where are they?
- Let me introduce Jared Kushner
to speak about the work that he's been doing,
working with FEMA
on ensuring a strong supply chain to meet this moment.
- Jared Kushner is supposed to manage the coronavirus,
make peace in the middle East,
and solve the opioid crisis.
That is a huge amount of responsibility to give a guy who
doesn't look like he could manage a cheesecake factory.
(sighs) - Jared Kushner...
This man has so demeaned the name of Jared
that Jared from Subway is thinking of
changing his name to Jeffrey Epstein.
- It's a disease, without question.
Has more names than any disease in history.
COVID-19.
COVID.
I say what's the 19.
COVID-19 some people can't explain what the 19, give me...
COVID-19, I said, that's an odd name.
Kung Flu.
I can name
19 different versions of names.
- Kung Flu is so clever.
But it's so racist.
- Kung flu, the China virus.
The man's just not creative, okay.
What about East infection?
- President Trump says he's not going to wear a mask since
he's tested negative for coronavirus
and assumes he isn't spreading the disease.
- I think wearing a face mask, as a great...
Presidents, Prime Ministers, dictators, Kings, Queens.
I don't see it for myself.
- Honestly, I completely understand.
You may not know this about dictators,
but when it comes to fashion,
they are vicious Queens.
- In 1917, they say, right.
The great, the great pandemic certainly was a terrible thing
where they lost anywhere from
fifty to a hundred million people.
Probably ended the Second World War.
All the soldiers were sick.
- In the middle of COVID
Trump decides to have a rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma,
and the date he picks happens to be Juneteenth.
- Next Friday is Juneteenth.
An annual holiday marking the end of slavery in the US
and Tulsa, Oklahoma,
99 years ago this month,
witnessed what's described as the single worst incident
of racial violence in American history.
- See its moments like that where I say to myself,
don't you ever accuse black people of being angry?
- [Together] Don't you ever!
- We are a patient people.
- So patient.
- We are a kind people.
- So kind.
- Because that right there.
- That's a bullshit. - That's a bullshit.
- [Announcer] Tonight, he's making headlines
for controversial comments
telling the Wall Street Journal, quote:
"I did something good.
I made Juneteenth very famous."
Taking credit for the holiday, adding quote:
"Nobody had ever heard of it."
- I can't let everything that you saying upset me,
'cause if I did, I would just be like,
(incoherent garbling)
- What's really interesting to me about
knowing about Juneteenth is that's what Juneteenth is about.
Is that black people didn't know they were free.
Also, can I say, don't say Happy Juneteenth.
- And I believe over a million people signed up for tickets.
And so they've got overflow area,
but it turns out that K-pop fans
pulled a prank on him.
- Teenagers and online K-pop fans
they're claiming responsibility for this low turnout.
Allegedly put it in thousands of bogus ticket requests.
- They didn't even really need the first stage.
- No.
- They could have just met in like
one of them conference rooms at the hotel.
- Yeah at the Holiday Inn, girl.
- By the airport.
- Okay? - Would've been cheaper.