Hey, welcome to The Daily Show.
My name is Jon Stewart.
Unbelievable show.
[LAUGHTER]
Look.
They're already exhausted from the open.
By the way, how was your weekend?
My weekend was--
[SCREAMS]
Breaking at this moment, Israel under fire from Iran.
REPORTER (ON TAPE): It's just raining rockets
with those sirens blaring out.
We do effectively have World War III in progress.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, no!
Not World War III.
I'm still writing "Iraq War" on all my checks.
[LAUGHTER]
But yes, The skies above Israel were lit up like a--
I want to say Christmas tree.
But that's probably not--
[LAUGHTER]
--for that area.
Menorah.
It's the moment society has dreaded since the armistice
of 1945, finally upon us.
As Einstein said, he doesn't know what weapons World
War III will be fought with.
But he knows the next ones will be
fought with sticks and stones.
This is Jon Stewart, signing off.
May god bless us and everyone.
And let future civilisations know that we could
not overcome our fatal nature.
REPORTER (ON TAPE): In the end, there was almost no damage,
as Israel, the US, and other allies shot down 99%
of Iran's missiles and drones.
[LAUGHTER]
Huh.
It wasn't-- World War III.
I certainly regret-- doing this.
I-- I-- oh, boy.
Moment of panic and--
I guess sort of a primitive instinct.
But-- is-- is that me?
Did I-- Art Garfunkel?
But kudos, the United States, and to Israel.
It shows just how effective a military defense system can
be when you funnel American dollars away from health
care and education.
It really helps to build the--
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
And the best part is, we did it with no help, the two amigos,
surrounded by hostile Arab Nations, united in their zeal
to destroy Israel.
REPORTER 1 (ON TAPE): Jordan's air force also intercepted
and shot down dozens of drones that violated its airspace
and were on there way to Israel.
REPORTER 2 (ON TAPE): And we've now
learned that Saudi Arabia and the UAE
provided real-time intelligence that helped
track the incoming missiles.
What are the teams to these [BLEEP] wars?
[LAUGHTER]
Well, I don't even know the teams anymore.
The Arab countries are helping Israel.
I don't know what the teams are.
We need to sort this out with jerseys or something--
because Iran could attack at any moment.
REPORTER 2 (ON TAPE): In a statement,
Iran said it now considers the matter concluded.
[LAUGHTER]
Hey, did you hear that?
We're good.
We don't-- by the way, he was delicious.
[LAUGHTER]
Really?
That's what got you?
Anyway, we're going to be OK.
Israel has vowed it will respond to Iran.
No!
Gah!
All right, can I have a word with you, Middle East?
Over here.
[LAUGHTER]
Ashalom Alaikum.
Trying to cover all bases.
Listen, I hope this doesn't sound patronizing.
But when we, in the West, drew your region's borders
and set you up with perfectly functioning dictatorships,
(WHISPERS) we expected a little better.
See, the agreement was, we would
make up a whole new bunch of countries, some of which
made sense.
And in return, you would give us your delicious oil.
That was the deal.
You give us your delicious oil.
And we take it.
[LAUGHTER]
We certainly didn't expect to get drawn
into all the drama that our--
that our actions created.
And now, these wars have got us all turned around.
At one point, we're helping Iraq fight Iran.
And then we're invading Iraq.
And now we're helping Iran fight ISIS.
And then we're using ISIS to help fight Houthis
that are backed by Iran.
I mean, [BLEEP].
You know, in Gaza, we're actually
bombing them and feeding them.
How do you think that makes us feel?
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, oh, oh, did you have a nice sandwich?
Run!
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
Oh, and apparently, now there's two kinds of Islam?
I mean, you could have told us that before we got into this.
As I said earlier, arbitrarily gerrymandered your
homeland so--
do better.
Keep that oil coming.
[LAUGHTER]
And by the way, we got enough trouble
keeping track of our own wars.
Like this weekend, our former president and illustrious
historian, Donald J. Trump, spoke near one of America's
most hallowed battlefields.
And if you thought Lincoln consecrated
Gettysburg with his soaring rhetoric, well--
(STUTTERING) buckle up.
Gettysburg, what an unbelievable--
battle that was, the Battle of Gettysburg.
What an unbelievable--
I mean, it was so much and so interesting and so
vicious and horrible and--
so beautiful in so many different ways.
It represented such a big portion of the success
of this country.
Gettysburg, wow.
[LAUGHTER]
That is plagiarized almost directly--
[LAUGHTER]
--from my seventh-grade book report, Gettysburg.
Wow.
[LAUGHTER]
I did not-- [APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
--do well.
Is that even my name?
It was vicious and horrible and beautiful.
Is he talking about a civil war battle or a horse giving birth?
Like, it was bloody.
But it's life.
Now obviously, I'm not a civil war buff like--
but unlike me, he even knows all the famous quotes.
I go to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania
to look and to watch--
and the statement of Robert E. Lee, who's no longer in favor.
Did you ever notice that?
No longer in favor.
Never fight uphill of me, boys.
Never fight uphill.
They were fighting uphill.
He said, wow, that was a big mistake.
He lost his great general.
And they were fighting.
Never fight uphill of me, boys.
[LAUGHTER]
It is-- it is true.
The North did have the higher ground.
But I'm pretty sure that Robert E. Lee was not a leprechaun.
(IN IRISH ACCENT) Oh, I'll never fight uphill, me boys.
That's not how to take back the North's pot of gold.
You can't be fighting uphill, me boys.
Also, a minor point, but I'm pretty sure Robert E. Lee would
not have told them, never fight uphill,
since he's the one (SHOUTING) who told them to [BLEEP]
fight uphill.
He wasn't like, ah, you know, if they go up the hill,
I'm going to be so mad if they do that.
If they go up the hill, it was a--
Longstreet actually told them, don't go up the hill.
But Robert E. Lee said, (IN IRISH ACCENT)
me boys will do what they want.
[LAUGHTER]
Although to be fair to former President Donald Trump,
he does have a lot on his mind right now.
Now to breaking news, the first ever criminal
trial involving a former president
will soon get underway.
(IN IRISH ACCENT) Oh, my God, Donald, don't run up that hill,
me boy.
Stay down.
Stay down the hill, me boy.
Stay down.
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
Yes, after years of anticipation,
the first criminal trial of a former president has begun.
And by all accounts, it is absolutely riveting.
40 minutes ago, you wrote an observation that--
I was very surprised.
Trump appears to be sleeping.
His head keeps dropping down and his mouth goes slack.
Tell us about that.
Well, Jake, he appeared to be asleep.
[LAUGHTER]
Hey, Jake, what part of head down,
eyes closed, drool coming out of his mouth
do you [BLEEP] get over here?
He's snoring.
He's doing the Hong Shu.
He's doing the mee, mee, mee, mee, mee, mee, mee.
There's a piece of paper going up and down
and up and down in his mouth.
He's asleep.
Imagine committing so many crimes,
you get bored at your own trial.
[LAUGHTER]
Move on to the good stuff.
Now in case-- in case you've lost track,
this is the trial where Trump allegedly paid hush money
to an adult film star that he slept
with, and then allegedly falsified business
records to cover it up.
Or as Trump would put it--
Well, it's true.
Trump is always very proud to be part
of any assault on America.
Look, even if--
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
Yes.
Yes, Mr. Stewart.
We agree.
Look, even if the prosecution's a bit of a stretch,
it's not persecution.
The guy's not Nelson Mandela or Jesus.
I don't mind being Nelson Mandela
because I'm doing it for a reason.
REPORTER (ON TAPE): Trump also shared
two articles that compared him to Jesus Christ.
One was titled quote, "The Crucifixion of Donald Trump."
(IN IRISH ACCENT) Aye.
Don't let him crucify you, me boy.
We had full team coverage down at the courthouse in lower
Manhattan today.
Here with an update on which martyr Trump more--
more resembles, Jesus or Nelson Mandela,
it's Ronny Chieng and Desi Lydic.
[CHEERING]
I'm going to start with--
Ronny Chieng.
Jesus or Mandela?
[RONNY SCOFFS]
Clearly Mandela, all right?
Both are two heroes, unjustly persecuted
by a corrupt legal system.
And as Mandela often said, and I quote,
"this is a witch-hunt hoax.
I've never even met horse face."
[LAUGHTER]
I totally disagree, Ronny.
Jesus Christ.
He's obviously Jesus Christ.
It's right there, in the New Testament, or in its sequel,
The Art Of The Deal.
Chapter 10, verse 8, and lo, he evicted
the rent-controlled tenants.
And it was good--
and tremendous and vicious and beautiful.
Jesus.
Wow.
[CHEERING]
All right, all right.
Hang on.
Just-- think about this for a second.
OK?
Trump and Mandela, they both had three wives.
Huh?
Jesus do you even have a serious girlfriend.
OK?
The guy had no rizz.
I don't think "rizz" is an appropriate-- anyway--
Mandela was in prison for 27 years, Ronny.
So it's--
Yes.
But if you add up all the prison sentences Trump got
for other people, from January 6
and his campaign and his business,
it's way more than 27 years.
OK?
Trump is like 10 Nelson Mandelas.
No, Ronny, Trump is Jesus.
They both have a ton of buildings with their names
on them, filled with portraits of themselves to be worshipped.
And they both sold sneakers, gold sneakers.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
But this is ridiculous. OK?
JON STEWART: Josh Johnson, everybody.
OK down in the corner. [CHEERING]
Josh, what--
Trump is not Mandela or Jesus.
OK?
We all know that Donald Trump--
is OJ.
[CHEERING]
I don't think that.
Did you say OJ?
Yeah, John, OJ, Trump, they were both iconic
celebrities in the '80s.
Plus, Donald J. Trump.
Is the "J" for juice?
Probably.
[LAUGHTER]
But most importantly, their obvious guilt
didn't deter their loyal fans, who either
think they're innocent--
Hmm.
--or don't care they're guilty.
Jesus had loyal fans.
Not like this.
[LAUGHTER]
So if he's OJ, you're saying that whether or not
Trump slept with Stormy Daniels or paid
Stormy Daniels hush money, it's not going to matter.
He's walking away a free man?
Yes.
And personally, I'm excited for the moment in the trial
when Trump will drop his pants and say,
if the glove don't fit--
you must acquit.
[CHEERING]
Well done.
Ronny, Desi, and Josh, everybody.