This is
a video game about Aerosmith.
You know, the band your parents grew up listening to.
Which means this game was totally relevant to the youth of 1994.
You can tell because it has “revolution” in the name, and because it’s a video game.
The kids love video games.
It’s also a game in which music is the weapon.
You can tell because it says so every five minutes.
Wait, what was that, Steve?
Sorry, one more time?
Oh, you’re telling me music is the weapon?
Oh, that’s perfect.
Because when I think about music dangerous enough to be a weapon, I instantly think power
ballads about Liv Tyler.
And that song didn’t even exist yet.
It’s Revolution X, for the SEGA Genesis.
So somewhere at the nexus of bad marketing, bad video games and bad, human feces…you
can find Revolution X, rollin’ all night long.
This is widely considered one of the worst games in history, to which I’ve always thought,
“Oh, cry me a river.”
Like it’s that bad, dream on.
But I’m telling you, now that I’ve played it myself…man, it’s a real bitch’s brew.
Seriously, this thing’s left a hole in my soul, man.
But even so, I trudged on.
I just pushed play, and kept going…I was livin’ on the edge.
So it’s nobody’s fault but my own then…that I’m now sick as a dog.
I mean, something’s gotta give.
I just made ten Aerosmith references.
I just made more Aerosmith references than this entire game.
Revolution X is…the stupidest f*cking game I’ve ever played.
You play as…yourself, I guess?
And it’s the dark, distant future of 1996, where the world’s been taken over by a fascist
military organization that’s banned all video games and music, and thrown all young
people in prison.
Everyone except you.
And since someone has got to save Aerosmith from all these nasty fascists, and your parents
have jobs now, that responsibility falls to you.
You have to save Aerosmith.
From ever recording the song “Pink.”
So it’s weird, right?
Sounds pretty weird?
Well, I don’t know, Spongebob, ‘cause it gets even weirder.
See, somehow, in his infinite wisdom…Steven Tyler somehow knew he was going to be kidnapped,
or something?
So he leaves you the Aerosmith car.
And not only that, he somehow uses a holographic reality machine…to throw you the keys.
But it gets even weirder.
Because from there, the members of Aerosmith—who are, remember, kidnapped—manage to speak
with you, through their car, and send you on missions, around the world, to bring down
the fascists.
Look, and I’m not sh*tting you?
Joe Perry sends you to the Amazon basin to wipeout the entire native population.
So how exactly do you do that?
Well, step one, you swallow everything you once held dear in regard to right and wrong.
And step two, shoot the f*cking hell out of everything.
This is a gallery shooter that you play with a d-pad.
If that sounds like crap, that’s because it is.
This is one of the worst playing shooters ever.
With cheap design, crappy digitized graphics and only a couple of Aerosmith songs.
I recognized, like, two.
Maybe three.
Partly because I didn’t care.
Partly because the sound is so terrible, I wanted to take a permanent vacation.
I mean, listen to that.
That pitter patter?
That’s supposed to be my gun.
Sounds like my kitten, scampering down the stairs.
I guess one of the gimmicks here is, “Oh, you get to choose what order you play the
levels.
Where you go from here is up to you.”
Ugh, come again, Steve?
One more time, Steve.
For f*ck’s sake.
Your mouth’s the size of a goddamn pulsar, Steve.
Why not open it and tell me, for the love of God…_what in the hell you just said,
Steve.
No, Steve, I do not like “Pink,” that song sucks.
You know what else sucks?
The fact that, no matter which of the three levels you choose, the level’s gonna suck.
This is the invariable truth around which Revolution X revolves.
The level’s gonna suck.
You’re gonna get there and shoot the same guy a million times…
And the level’s gonna suck.
Go ahead and close your eyes.
You won’t miss a thing.
You know, I normally don’t recommend bad games.
Your life’s too short for that crap.
But this one’s a bit different.
Because it’s not just that it’s bad…it’s, by far, the stupidest video game I’ve ever
seen.
In fact, it’s so stupid, it’s almost worth playing just to see how stupid something can
actually get before the universe just folds in on itself.
I got news for you, NASA.
If this didn’t do it, nothing will.
It’s Revolution X, one of the worst games ever, for the SEGA Genesis.
F*cking thing was donated to the show by Gary, from Ridgewood, New Jersey.
Thanks a lot, Gary.
For sending me a little south of sanity.
Come on, that’s one, too.