-Good evening. I'm Seth Meyers.
This is "Late Night." We hope you're doing well.
And now, if you don't mind, we're going to get to the news.
Former president Trump testified yesterday
at his civil fraud trial
and spent nearly four hours on the witness stand.
But the judge had to call it a day
before they could ask him a third question.
[ Laughter ]
During his testimony yesterday, former president Trump
pulled a piece of paper out of his suit jacket
that he claimed would clear his name,
but the judge would not let him read it
'cause, as usual, it was classified.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, during his civil fraud trial,
Trump pulled a piece of paper out of his suit jacket
and said it would completely clear his name.
Dude, you couldn't have cleared your name
if you'd pulled out a neuralyzer from "Men in Black."
What piece of paper could possibly clear your name?
Was it a birth certificate with a different name?
[ As Trump ] Your Honor, this clears my name because,
as you can see, my name is Reginald Periwinkle.
You've got the wrong guy.
[ Normal voice ] Ivanka Trump is set to testify tomorrow
as part of the civil fraud trial against former president Trump,
marking -- making it, excuse me,
the first thing she's been invited to in New York
in eight years.
[ Laughter ]
Democrats -- Have her over to your house.
Feel so bad about it.
Democrats reportedly have concerns
about President Biden's reelection campaign
and are worried that his political advisers
are ignoring warning signs of sinking support.
Said Biden, "There's nothing to worry about, right, Jill?
Jill?!"
Amid reports that he has declined an invitation
to attend King Charles's 75th birthday party,
a spokesperson for Prince Harry
said that he never received an invite,
or, more likely, Meghan got the mail that day.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, let me tell you something.
I don't think either of them get the mail.
[ Laughter ]
Elon Musk's brain implant company, Neuralink,
has announced that it's looking for volunteers
for human testing.
Well, actually, what they said was "fresh volunteers."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Musk's brain implant company
has announced it's looking for volunteers for human testing.
I don't think he should be meddling with something
he doesn't really understand, like humans.
[ Laughter ]
The co-work-- I love what he did with Twitter.
I'd love to get him up in my brain.
[ Laughter ]
Love to get him up there to fiddle around.
Now it's not called the brain anymore.
It's called B.
[ Laughter ]
The co-working space company WeWork
filed yesterday for bankruptcy.
Wait a minute. Again?
You already went out of business.
I watched a whole miniseries
about how you went out of business,
and you were still in business?
Oh, my God, Trump's going to win again, isn't he?
According to a new study, daily marijuana use
could increase the risk of a heart attack.
And that's why I only smoke it nightly.
[ Laughter ]
Using my B.
The CDC announced yesterday it will expand
its airport disease surveillance program
to include more than 30 pathogens.
Cool. I think I know where you can find 27 of them.
[ Audience groans ]
The makers -- You guys all got feet.
[ Laughter ]
Everybody's like, "Oh, feet, a human foot.
I would never."
The makers of M&M's have unveiled
a new holiday flavor, Toasty Vanilla,
which features white chocolate candies
coated in brown, white, and vanilla shell.
It's the holiday treat that will have everyone saying,
"Do you have any normal ones?"
[ Laughter ]
And finally, according to the latest numbers,
Taylor Swift's new album "1989 (Taylor's Version)"
has sold 1.6 million units in the U.S.,
and it's made her almost 8 cents on Spotify.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And that was the monologue, everybody.
We're off and running.
We got a great show for you tonight.
She hosts the Emmy-winning "Rachel Maddow Show"
Monday nights on MSNBC,
and her book "Prequel: An American Fight Against Fascism"
is a page-turner.
It's out now.
The one and only Rachel Maddow is back on the show.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He's a Grammy-winning musician,
front man of one of my all-time favorite bands, Wilco.
His book "World Within a Song: Music That Changed My Life
and Life That Changed My Music" is out now.
Jeff Tweedy is back and joining us.
Very excited about that.
You guys, this summer, I did a podcast
called "Strike Force Five" with the other talk show hosts,
and when the topic of favorite guest came up, I had one name.
She's here tonight.
You can catch her on tour now,
and also her new show, "Ms. Pat Settles It,"
is everything you want it to be.
Ms. Pat is back, everybody.
Quite the show. [ Cheers and applause ]
Speaking of the great Jeff Tweedy,
he was also kind enough to record a jingle
for the podcast I'm doing with my brother,
"Family Trips with the Meyers Brothers."
We talk to people about the trips they took
when they were kids, the trips they're taking now.
This week, just released today, the great Nick Offerman.
So do check out "Family Trips" wherever you get your podcasts.
Moving on, we here at "Late Night"
don't always have enough time to cover all of the recent news.
So here with a recap is one of our writers,
Amber Ruffin, in a segment we call "Amber Says What."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey.
You guys, things have been crazy.
Okay, first of all,
I heard 80-year-old actor Robert De Niro just had a child,
and I was like, "What?"
Then I heard 83-year-old Al Pacino also just had a child,
and I was like, "What?"
What old man is going to have a toddler next, Seth?
[ Laughter ]
-I do have a toddler. -Gross. How?
-The normal way.
-Ew!
-Why don't you have a child?
-Because I am a child.
A sexy little child.
[ Tink! ]
Then I heard that they arrested Tupac's killer,
and I was like, "What... is next on your to-do list?
Get a warrant for John Wilkes Booth?"
You're late!
Why not figure out who shot J.R.?
-Oh, it was Kristin Shepard.
-You are so old.
-I'm only five years older than you.
-I don't like this anymore.
Then I heard that Ron DeSantis wears secret high-heeled boots,
and I was like, "Wh-ha-ha-at?"
You must hate being short more than you hate drag queens.
Speaking of drag queens, with those high heels,
you are one sew-in away
from violating your own anti-trans bill, honey.
Then I read that all of Trump's kids are testifying,
and I was like, "What?!"
Ivanka, Don Jr., Eric.
All the kids.
Man, I think he might go to jail.
Now, I know, I know, he may be rich,
he may be old, and he may be a white man,
but -- oops, never mind, he will never go to jail.
He'll probably just do what all the other old guys are doing --
have a baby, which I believe to be a prison in its own right.
Okay, so then I heard En Vogue
is going to be in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
I was like, "What?!" And I have to say this.
Please, NBC, corporate daddy,
you have to let me in to see that.
Oh, Seth, do you have tickets to the parade?
-No.
-Then what is the point of you?
Why are we doing this?
What is any of this for
if it's not going to help us see En Vogue?
Then Britney Spears released her memoir,
"The Woman in Me," and spilled the tea on Justin Timberlake.
And I was like, "Wh-ha-aaaat?"
It's, like, a lot,
and I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about what she said,
but let's just say this.
Now, do you want to hear some more gossip?
Okay, so, Congressman George Santos
was running around his job with a baby,
and I was like, "What?"
When asked if the baby was his, he said, "Not yet."
[ Laughter ]
Which brings us to a segment called "Amber Says Why."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, George Santos said this baby wasn't his yet.
Why? Yet? Is that a threat? And if so, to who?
To me? America?
Whoever's baby that is? What?
Whose baby is that and why?
Why the baby, George?
Why did they give their baby to you?
Did you trick somebody and steal their baby?
Where did you get that baby from?
Does it want to go back? Did you ever give the baby back?
Why the baby, George? For what reason?
What purpose was the baby supposed to serve?
And did it serve that purpose?
And why does that baby look more qualified
to work in Congress than you?
This has been "Amber Says Why."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Then I read that Beyoncé's "Renaissance" tour
made $579 million.
[ Audience cheers ]
Me too, man.
It made so much money,
it literally boosted the economy everywhere it went.
I read that and I was like...
because I'm not about to mess up the Beyoncé mute challenge.
Mnh-mnh.
Then I saw that Beyoncé went to the premiere
of Taylor Swift's new movie, and I was like, "What?!"
Beyoncé is not at a Taylor Swift premiere.
A Taylor Swift premiere is at a Beyoncé.
And I can't even imagine
what Beyoncé in a movie theater looks like.
Walking up to the concession stand like,
"I will have the Sugar Babies and a bottle of Cristal."
Then...
[ Laughter ]
It came out so much worse.
Then I heard there were a million bedbugs in Paris,
and I was like, "Quoi?"
Then I found out Usher was doing the Super Bowl halftime show,
and I was like, "What!"
Well, I guess I'm going to have to cook him
a real big breakfast that morning.
Not because I'm sleeping with him,
but because I had to take on an extra job as Usher's cook
'cause the writers' strike lasted five months.
Then I found out the actors were still striking,
and I was like, "What?"
Matter of fact, Seth,
how am I allowed to be doing this right now?
-Well, late-night television shows fall under a specific --
-Ohh! Shut up.
Then I heard that genetic testing company 23andMe
was hacked, and I was like, "What...were you thinking
when you gave away all your genetic information
to some random company?"
See, that's why I never did 23andMe.
Well, that and in case I ever want to do a murder.
I want to get away with it.
Then I heard Congresswoman Lauren Boebert
got kicked out of the musical "Beetlejuice"
for getting felt up by some guy.
And I was like, "What?!"
"Beetlejuice"? More like "Some Like It Hot."
"Some Like It Hot," co-written by Amber Ruffin,
now on Broadway at the Shubert Theatre.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Boebert, why would you guys stay in your seats for that?
At least escape to the bathroom
and pretend you're taking a whiz.
"The Wiz," written by Amber Ruffin,
touring America and coming to Broadway March 29th.
Tickets available at wizmusical.com.
-Hey, Amber, why do you keep interrupting this bit
to plug all your Broadway musicals?
-Because the strike took too long,
and I got to make money to take care of this baby.
-Amber, is that your baby?
-Not yet. [ Tink! ]
This has been "Amber Says What."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Amber Ruffin, everybody.
We'll be right back with Rachel Maddow.