>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
MY GUEST -- MY GUEST IS AN AUTHOR, ENTREPRENEUR AND
LIFESTYLE EXPERT HERE TO TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," MARTHA STEWART,
EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
MARTHA, THANK YOU FOR COMING BACK.
>> YEAH, I ALMOST DIDN'T.
>> Stephen: YOU ALMOST DIDN'T COME BACK?
BECAUSE OUR LAST DATE WAS TOO GOOD?
>> TOO GOOD.
>> Stephen: NOW, MADAM, YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.
I REALLY ENJOY HAVING YOU ON THE SHOW, BUT LIKE SO MANY GUESTS I
REALLY ENJOY WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO REALLY GET TO
KNOW EACH OTHER AS TRUE FRIENDS WOULD.
SO WHAT WE HAVE DONE, THE SCIENTISTS IN "THE LATE SHOW"
LABS HAVE COME UP WITH 15 QUESTIONS SCIENTIFICALLY
DESIGNED IN ORDER TO PLUM THE DEPTHS OF A GUEST'S SOUL SO THAT
AT THE END OF IT YOU ARE FULLY KNOWN.
MARTHA STEWART, ARE YOU READY TO TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT?
>> SHOULD I BE?
>> St >> Stephen: IF NOT, HERE'S THE
DOOR.
>> I AM UP FOR THE CHALLENGE.
>> Stephen: EXCELLENT.
THANK YOU, MAR THIS.
THIS IS A BIG ONE.
LET'S START OFF WITH A BIGGIE.
MARTHA STEWART, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> LIVERWURST ON WHITE BREAD WITH MUSTARD AND MAYONNAISE AND
LETTUCE.
>> Stephen: I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
>> WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE THOUGHT?
>> Stephen: I WOULD HAVE SAID SMASH BROWN SWAGGER WITH KETCHUP
ON WHEAT TOAST.
>> REALLY?
>> Stephen: AS LONG AS WE'RE GOING LIVER.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN
THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT?
>> I'M A HOARDER.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A HOARDER?
BUT A NEAT HOARDER.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A NEAT HOARDER, SURE.
SO THAT CERTAINLY LEADS TO THE QUESTION, WHAT TO HAVE THE
THINGS YOU ARE HOARDER SHOULD YOU REALLY THROW OUT?
>> MAYBE OLD MAGAZINES.
NOT MINE BUT OTHERS.
>> Stephen: LIKE, HOW OLD?
I HAVE MANY OLD MAGAZINES.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU LIKE THE COLLIER BROTHERSY OU HAVE
THINGS STACKED UP AROUND THE HOUSE?
>> I HAVE THE EARLY "SATURDAY EVENING POSTS."
>> Stephen: SO YOUR HOUSE IS A FIRE HAZARD IS WHAT YOU'RE
SAYING.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL?
>> I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANIMALS.
LET'S SEE, WHAT WOULD BE SCARY.
>> Stephen: SHARKS?
HARKS ARE LOVELY.
>> Stephen: SNAKES?
I'M REALLY NOT AFRAID OF ANIMALS.
>> Stephen: C FLIES.
NO.
>> Stephen: WORMS THAT CRAWL INTO YOUR EYE.
>> I'M NOT GETTING CLOSE TO THAT WOMAN.
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES IT'S NOT UP TO YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) APPLES OR ORANGES.
>> DO I LIKE DNR.
>> Stephen: PICK APPLES OR ORANGES.
>> ORANGES.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
THAT IS THE WRONG ANSWER.
( LAUGHTER ) HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR
THEIR AUTOGRAPH?
>> OH, YES.
>> Stephen: OH, WHO DID YOU ASK.
>> I ASKED SNOOP.
>> Stephen: SNOOP!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> MANY TIMES.
EVERYBODY WANTS HIS AUTOGRAPH.
>> Stephen: WOW, AND YOU'VE ASKED FOR IT MANY TIMES.
>> MANY TIMES.
>> Stephen: DID YOU KEEP LOSING IT?
>> NO, I KEEP GIVING IT TO PEOPLE WHO ASK FOR IT.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED ANYONE FOR YOURSELF?
>> RUSSELL CROWE.
>> Stephen: DID HE GIVE IT TO YOU?
>> MM-HMM.
>> Stephen: WHERE DID YOU RUN INTO RUSSELL CROWE?
>> HE WAS ON MY SHOW.
IF I REALLY LIKE THE GUYS, I ASK FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I WANT TO POINT
OUT THAT I WAS ON YOUR SHOW AND YOU DID NOT ASK FOR MY
AUTOGRAPH.
( LAUGHTER ) (APPLAUSE )
>> HUH-OH, CAUGHTUM.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> WE GO TO HEAVEN.
>> Stephen: GO TO HEAVEN?
MM-HMM.
>> Stephen: IF WE'RE GOOD OR EVERYBODY GOES TO HEAVEN?
>> NO, ONLY NICE PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
>> FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
OH, DR. STRANGE LOVE.
>> Stephen: THAT BROADLY FITS INTO THE CATEGORY OF ACTION
MOVIE.
BECAUSE SLIM PICKENS RIDES THE BOMB DOWN AT THE END, I SUPPOSE.
WINDOW OR AISLE SEAT?
AND I UNDERSTAND IT'S A PRIVATE PLANE.
>> ALWAYS WINDOW BECAUSE I LIKE TO SEE WHERE I'M GOING.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL.
GARDENIA OR TUBER ROSE.
>> Stephen: MY MOTHER LOVED A GARDENIA CORSAGE.
WHAT'S THE OTHER ONE?
>> TUBER ROSE WHICH SMELLS LIKE A GARDENIA.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT FAMILIAR.
WELL YOU SHOULD FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU HAVE A BOOK I COULD BUY?
>> NO, I'LL SEND YOU A TUBER ROSE.
>> Stephen: THIS YEAR I WON'T FIND ONE.
>> YEAH, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND ONE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
LEAST FAVORITE SMELL.
>> RANCID GARBAGE.
STREETS OF NEW YORK.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, WHAT IS THE
DIFFERENCE IN THE SMELL BETWEEN RANCID GARBAGE AND THE
LIVERWURST SANDWICH YOU WERE DESCRIBING?
>> DEPENDS ON THE LIVERWURST.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
WHAT'S THE MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE.
>> MOST USED APP ON MY PHONE.
IT'S SILLY.
IT'S LIKE THE "NEW YORK TIMES."
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT SILLY.
IT'S THE NEWSPAPER OF RECORD.
ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO APP.
CATS OR DOGS?
>> OH, THAT'S REALLY HARD BECAUSE I HAVE BOTH.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
BUT I THINK I TEND TOWARDS THE CATS.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU GET ONLY ONE
SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
WHAT IS IT?
>> OH, IT WOULD BE MAYBE BACH O- >> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO NARROW
IT DONE.
>> SOMETHING BAROQUE.
>> Stephen: GOLDBERG VARIATIONS.
>> MAYBE.
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
>> 3244.
>> Stephen: NO.
( LAUGHTER ) MARTHA STEWART, DESCRIBE THE
REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> BEAUTIFUL, EXCITING, CURIOUS, LONG.
( LAUGHTER ) FUTURISTIC.
>> Stephen: MARTHA, YOU ARE FULLY KNOWN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU SO MUCH.
FOR MORE MARTHA, VISIT MARTHA.com.
MARTHA STEWART.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
THANK YOU, MARTHA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )