Hey everybody.
How are you guys doing tonight-- good?
(audience whoops)
Yeah, well, this is my energy-- let's get used to it.
(laughter)
And we're good-- here we go.
A little about me-- I have A.D.D.
And I don't know if any of you guys have it,
but if you don't, get it.
It's the best.
My doctor prescribed me Adderall.
He's like, "You can't drink on Adderall."
I was like, "No, you totally can.
It makes it better."
I'm like, "You should know that-- you're a doctor.
Why are you lying?"
I love Adderall because not only does it help you concentrate,
but it's also an appetite suppressant.
So most of the time, I'm like,
"I could eat dinner right now
"or I could read ten books about birds,
let's read ten books about birds."
Guys, I know so much about birds.
Did you guys know a bird
is the only animal you can throw
and you're helping it?
You throw a dog, you're an asshole.
You throw a bird,
you're gonna hear the word "majestic."
As it flies away.
I don't understand people who get super muscular.
Like, super muscular, ripped and jacked in their muscle areas,
and they're not professional athletes.
Like, my little brother's super muscular, ripped and jacked,
and he says things like, "Image is everything."
I'm like, "Yeah, look at you.
You're, like, a really strong restaurant manager."
Now, go get us some bread-- we'll be waiting."
I'm much smarter than him; I was a very smart kid.
How I know I was smart-- I quit karate as a child
so I wouldn't have a ponytail as an adult.
I was very smart.
I live in Los Angeles; I hate every single person
that lives in my neighborhood.
There's this guy I hate the most.
One morning I was outside, smoking a cigarette,
'cause I'm super productive,
and he came up to me and was like,
"Hey, could I have a cigarette?"
And I said, "Sure," and then he sat there and smoked it with me.
I was like, "Oh, you were supposed to leave.
"Like, I don't want to know you.
You're the worst."
Then he asked me dumb questions.
He was like, "What do you do for a living?"
I was like, "I'm a comedian-- what do you do?"
And he was like, "It's complicated."
"Go on, let's hear it."
He was like, "I'm an artist.
"What I do is go into a field and record a sound.
"Then I mash it up with other sounds I record
to create a sound collage."
And I was, like, "You can say unemployed.
(laughter)
"You don't have to go into detail about how unemployed.
Not a contest."
I was at a bar one time, I sent a drink over to a girl.
She sent it right back.
I didn't know that was allowed.
I went over to tell her it wasn't allowed,
and how that came out was,
"What the (bleep) is your problem?"
And she was like, "No offense to you-- I don't drink
because my dad's an alcoholic."
Which was sad and awkward.
What made it more awkward was another guy walked over
and was like, "I overheard what she said and I completely agree.
'Cause I don't do heroin because my dad was a heroin addict."
And there was two things wrong with that.
Because one, I didn't send heroin over to that guy.
I mean, mind your own business when I'm talking to a lady.
And then two, you don't need a backstory
for reasons why you don't do heroin.
(applause)
I live with my girlfriend.
I'm not mature enough to live with a girl.
Every night when she goes to sleep,
I draw a dick on her face.
I'm like, "I've only lived with guys.
How does this work?"
I usually date the same type of girls over and over.
I usually date little mousy girls with bangs
who wear cardigans even in the summer.
They say things like, "I wish our bodies were made of blankets
so we could just lay on one another."
I'm like, "Me, too-- that sounds dumb.
Let's do it."
Then one time I dated this girl who was, like,
a real sexual dynamo,
and we tried all these different things.
And I found out a lot about myself.
Like I found out that I am way too silly
for most sex things.
Because this one time this girl was like,
"I want you to throw me around the bedroom."
And I was like, "How about you just run and I trip you?"
It sounds so much safer...
and hilarious.
She was really good at dirty talk.
I'm not good at dirty talk.
I'm too bashful for dirty talk.
I'm just a little boy, I don't need to hear that filth.
This one time, she was like,
"You feel so good inside of me."
And I was like, "Weird... (laughs)
"You're making me feel weird.
"I'm gonna go put on another shirt.
"And when I get back, we're gonna have a 20-minute talk
about boundaries, so stay tight."
I had a three-way one time-- the bad kind.
It was me and two dudes and, uh...
we were like, "Whatever, you only live once...
YOLO."
Just kidding.
It was me, a guy and a girl.
What happened was I was at a party.
I was walking up the stairs.
This guy I sort of know, like an acquaintance, came up to me,
and he was like, "There's a girl in the other room.
And she wants us to double team her."
So I was like, "Okay, let's do that, teammate."
So we go into the room...
and then, as soon as he got into the room,
he just started having sex with her doggy style,
like immediately-- he went into the room and then into her.
And... and I was just watching.
Like, "Go, team, uh...
It looks like we're winning."
And...
So as he's doing it, he whispers to me, he was like,
"(bleep) her mouth."
I was like, "You don't need to whisper.
"She's right there, like, she hears you.
"It's a small room.
I don't think we're gonna trick her."
And...
Plus I had just got there.
Like, I was going up the stairs
to do, like, arts and crafts or something.
And now I'm here in the opposite situation.
I had to get warmed up first, guys.
It was... you can't just throw a guy into war.
So what I did was I started making out with her.
Now, I don't know if any of you fellas out there
have ever made out with a girl...
who's getting (bleep) doggy style.
No? No one, no one?
No one? No? No? No?
No? No? No?
Well...
What you have to do is you yourself have to get
into the doggy style position to do it.
And you're kissing, you're like,
"Meow, meow, meow..."
I don't know how you guys kiss.
I just meow a lot... it was just weird...
'cause it's doggy style.
And...
And then the entire time, you're like, checking over
your shoulder to make sure no one else walks into the room,
sees you and it's like, "Free butt!"
And you're like, "No, no, no."
It's, like, the most not-free butt.
This butt is under construction.