Coming up next on the passion struck podcast vulnerability is a very necessary aspect of
our coexistence.
As humans we are all hardwired to connect with one another as positive relationships
are crucial to human wellbeing vulnerability is the driving force of this much needed connection.
It's simply impossible to connect and formed beneficial bonds with others without it.
Welcome to passion struck.
Hi, I'm your host, John R. Miles and on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips and guidance
of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you
and those around you.
Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the
best version of yourself.
If you're new to the show.
I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays.
We have long form interviews the rest of the week with guests ranging from astronauts to
authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries and athletes.
Now, let's go out there and become passion struck.
In my episode from last week, in case you missed it, I explained why experiencing pain
is the pathway to growth.
Today I'm going to expand on that episode by exploring the power of vulnerability and
how it relates to overcoming that pain we experience but let me first ask you a few
questions.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you needed help or support but didn't
feel like you could reach out for help because you feared being judged?
Rejected or embarrassed you bottle up your emotions and keep them to yourself?
Do you ever feel like you're disappointed with yourself?
When was the last time that you felt things were completely out of control?
Do you sometimes feel lonely?
These are all questions that we can relate to.
We are all imperfect human beings with faults, shortcomings and limitations.
But often we feel guarded and disguise our pain and emotions we feel shame and fear and
instead of opening up and reaching out for support, we put on a facade of confidence
and suffer in silence and isolation.
Often we hide behind a mask to keep our challenges and struggles to ourselves as we go through
our daily routine and put on a smiling face while we arrive on the inside.
All of this is happening because we often hold ourselves back from being vulnerable.
After all, we are afraid we'll be rejected if we open up to others.
This fear of our big feelings can make us feel like the risk of sharing our vulnerability
is not worth taking vulnerability in the context of today's episode refers to your ability
to express the truth of your feelings and the need for help at any given moment in time.
It is opening up your heart and letting others see you for who you are.
Despite whatever fears or doubts you might be feeling.
Expressing vulnerability can be terrifying at times, but it is always a brave and rewarding
thing to do when done with the right people.
In today's episode, I will enlighten you on the importance of vulnerability and the need
to constantly practice it and enjoy its many benefits.
I will begin with a short story that a friend of mine shared with me about a time that he
terribly struggled with vulnerability and how he learned to be vulnerable after that
particular experience.
Growing up Victor was always reserved and quiet withdrawn.
These traits were more pronounced in his teenage years.
This didn't mean he was shy or avoided interacting with people.
In fact, Victor held several leadership positions in high school and had many friends but he
only shared so much of himself and constantly put up some type of shield against anyone
seeing deep inside of him.
He also didn't like asking for help and preferred to try to handle all things alone.
Victor was accepted to university and it was during that time at university that a particular
experience helped him to begin his journey to overcome vulnerability.
When Victor was 18.
He received his first ever ATM card it was evening and he stepped out of his room to
withdraw cash from one of the available ATMs.
Victor got in line and when it was his turn, he pulled out his debit card and inserted
it into the machine.
It was his first time using one and as you might expect, he was pretty nervous.
He clicked on the button to confirm that he wanted to make a withdrawal clicked on the
account type selected the amount and pressed ok.
However, after completing these steps, the only response that he got was transaction
failed.
He repeated the same steps again and got the same result.
At this point he felt he must have done something wrong and the natural instinct to ask someone
for help in the cube kicked in.
But he resisted he thought to himself I would rather not withdraw cash now and to have to
ask for help because he was afraid of the embarrassment and judgment he could face if
people knew he didn't know how to operate as something as simple as an ATM.
And so he left to go in search of another ATM to try he found one and repeated the same
process yet he got the same response transaction failed still unwilling to ask anyone for help.
Victor decided that he would just go to his bank to follow one day and asked one of their
employees for assistance.
However, he was so hungry and he needed the cash to buy a meal because none of the available
restaurants around him were accepting electronic forms of payment.
The only option he had was to borrow money from one of his friends or roommates, but
he quickly disregarded that thought, preferring to go hungry and wait until the following
day to get help from the bank.
The next day came Victor woke up extremely hungry and venture to the bank.
In the early morning, he told the attending staff what happened and they told him that
he had mistakenly left a wrong bank account and selected savings.
Instead of checking, he thanked the staff went directly to the ATM and finally made
his withdraw thinking all the time how he could have saved himself all that trouble
if he had simply been vulnerable enough to ask for help.
He also thought about how he could have asked for help from a friend or roommate so he wouldn't
have had to go hungry like my friend here, we can all relate to times where we held back
from reaching out for help, like Victor did this holding back affects us adversely.
And in some cases, the lack of vulnerability can even be fatal.
I'll give you a quick example, a story in The Atlantic magazine written by a waiter
in a Manhattan restaurant tells the story of how men would sometimes choked to death
because they hid in the bathroom in refuse to ask for help feeling embarrassment a direct
result of not being vulnerable.
So you may be now wondering, given the many benefits of vulnerability, why do so many
people avoid it?
Before I explore the answer to this question, let me first clarify what vulnerability really
is.
The first point I will make is that vulnerability doesn't mean oversharing which implies saying
everything about yourself to anyone and everyone oversharing may just indicate a lack of boundaries
on your part.
At the end of the day, you're still an individual with the need for privacy and being vulnerable.
You have to be intentional with what you're sharing about yourself and with whom you're
sharing it with.
A second point is that vulnerability is not a strategy or tactic that you can use on others
so that they pity you and may be manipulated into doing what you want.
It has to be a genuine openness and invitation of others into your life to see you for who
you are so that they can offer their love help and support vulnerability takes a lot
of bravery.
And you have to be willing to trust and open up without any guarantee of receiving anything
in return.
It cannot be done casually.
So now that I've explained what vulnerability is, why do people avoid being vulnerable?
Certain factors make it very difficult for people to practice vulnerability and seek
help and support when needed.
The following points highlight some of these factors fear of being ignored, rejected or
embarrassed by those that you seek help or connection with a previous betrayal by someone
else has trauma which you haven't healed from a wrong belief that you can handle life alone,
as well as overthinking things.
Now that we know the factors that make practicing vulnerability difficult, we are a step closer
to learning how to tackle them to enjoy all the benefits.
This vital trait offers the need for vulnerability and the benefits that accrue to those who
practice it is what I will now dive into vulnerability is a very necessary aspect of our coexistence.
As humans we are all hardwired to connect with one another as positive relationships
are crucial or wellbeing vulnerability is the driving force of this much needed connection.
It's simply impossible to connect and form beneficial bonds with others without it in
a nutshell, vulnerable people have the following qualities they are self aware and have a great
sense of self worth.
They trust and respect others accordingly.
They are very empathetic.
They make great partners and enjoy thriving relationships.
They communicate very well.
They take responsibility for their errors and mistakes.
They're great team players, they constantly seek to grow emotionally and spiritually and
they bring out the best in others.
So now that you understand just how powerful vulnerability can be, let's delve into some
ways to express it.
The following are five ways that the power of vulnerability can be developed, practiced
and expressed.
First, accept yourself vulnerability begins with accepting oneself.
This entails accepting your reality for what it is currently, rather than wishing that
things were different about you.
This doesn't mean that you don't hope for or work on yourself to become better, but
it means that you are not ashamed of yourself or your current situation and episode 133
that I did on the topic of accepting yourself.
I shared the story of Sam Burns who suffered from a rare genetic disorder known as progeria,
which caused Sam to rapidly age yet he could live a fulfilling life because he first accepted
himself and was vulnerable enough to share his life with others love, understand, appreciate
and spend time with yourself and your thoughts.
Know that you are enough and that you will gain the confidence to let others see the
imperfectly perfect view and share yourself with them so that they can be of value to
you and your personal growth.
Second, admit your need for help and support I'm sure you've heard of this common idiom
problem shared is a problem halved.
This proverbial saying is used to express the idea that when you face difficulties,
it is valuable to talk to someone about them.
No person is an island, and no one can do everything alone.
We all need help every now and then you must learn how to be comfortable enough to turn
to your loved ones and other people who are close to you who could be of assistance when
you were at your lows rather than isolating yourself.
As I shared earlier about my friend's story of not seeking help when you needed it.
You also could be in those shoes.
But as Victor realized how he needed to be vulnerable.
You can also learn how to share your challenges with someone you can never tell how willing
that they may be to help and support you.
Third, be honest about your feelings.
Our feelings are simply what they are and allow us to experience an infinite array of
emotions.
You have to be sincere with how you feel and how you share those feelings.
Even when they're difficult things like anger, frustration, disappointment, only by being
honest will you heal from them rather than being numbed by them.
As I explained in Episode 142, on the need for emotional healing, you are not separate
from your feelings, so you can't pretend that they don't exist or try to express them in
ways that aren't true.
This will only result in self sabotage and people won't be able to see you for who you
truly are.
So make sure you say exactly how you feel so that the people that you're expressing
your vulnerability to will know how to effectively be of help fourth practice empathy in Episode
118 that I did on the importance of empathy.
I explained that being empathetic is a cornerstone for successful relationships.
When you practice empathy, you can connect with people on a much deeper level and get
them to be open with you as well resulting in you inevitably feeling more comfortable
with being vulnerable with them and others around you.
I'm maximizing the power of vulnerability to understand and be patient with others,
you will be getting the same in return.
And if you don't get that response that you're particularly hoping for empathy will help
you keep your heart open and patient yet towards even more people.
And finally, fifth, express yourself despite Fear The truth is that being vulnerable won't
always be easy, and expressing yourself to others can be scary due to the fear of the
unknown response.
However, you must make up your mind be courageous enough to express your true self no matter
how frightful it may seem.
Allow yourself to feel your fear, then face it and conquer it.
As I shared in Episode 130, on how to stop living in fear and letting it control you.
You can't always wait for time that things are going to be perfect for such time will
likely never come you have to take action right where you are.
You may find yourself pushing back often, but be patient with yourself and don't allow
yourself to succumb to fear.
So I discussed a lot in today's episode on the power of vulnerability.
Let me summarize this and give you some action steps best selling author and professor Brene
Brown, a leading figure and expert on the subject of vulnerability summed up what vulnerability
is with the following words vulnerability is not winning or losing.
It's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.
Vulnerability is not a weakness.
It's our greatest measure of courage.
In her 2010 TED talk on the power of vulnerability.
She mentioned that one of her most significant findings from her six year period of study
was that those who had a strong feeling of worthiness, love and belonging were those
who fully embraced vulnerability and believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.
We are all imperfect humans in an imperfect world.
And we need to come to the realization that that's okay, we are all learning every single
day.
And there's no need to keep our struggles to ourselves.
Because we all go through them we were made to connect with one another, which is what
we must do when we seal off our hearts and minds from vulnerability.
We may be shielded from hurt but by extension, we are also protected from love as well as
intimate connection for they all come into our lives through the same door closing that
door to one is sealing it to all So in essence, vulnerability may allow for the feeling of
pain, but ultimately also makes it possible for us to experience love, acceptance, joy,
and all the good things that come from connection with others.
You definitely don't want to miss out on all of that.
So make up your mind to intentionally practice vulnerability and you can be sure you will
be better because of it.
I hope you all enjoyed the show.
And I wanted to thank everyone who wrote in this week and especially those of you who
came and listen today you're about to hear a preview of the Passion strike podcast interview
that I did.
with Dolly Chugh, who's a professor at NYU, a New York Times bestselling author, and we
unveil her new book a more just future, I really am invested in this being the greatest
country on Earth.
I'm really invested in us being the good guys.
So I consider myself a proud patriot.
The dilemma though, is when I hold on to that image in a very brittle way, like either it
is true or it's not.
It puts me in an awkward position when you start poking holes.
So the Patriot's dilemma is if I'm wedded to that very clean narrative, then the complications,
the contradictions, and the nuances are just going to Shatter Me.
Remember, we rise by lifting others.
So share this episode with those that you love.
And if you found this episode on vulnerability useful, please share it with those who could
use the advice that I gave here today.
In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so that you can live
what you listen and until next time, live life passion struck.