- Exhale.
Hey, don't be shy!
You here for Minnie Pecorino's self-defense class?
- Yeah.
- Sit down, you're good.
I know what it's like to be late--
these subways!
Oh, what am I saying?
There ain't no subways here in WisCANson!
I'm such a New Yorker, I just think subways,
but yous Milwaukeeans all just rather drive a car.
Forget about it.
I am here to teach you self-defense.
I learned these skills growin' up
on the mean streets of New York City.
Can I get a volunteer?
You, what's your name?
- Heather.
- Heather?
Pbbbt.
[audience laughter]
Weird name.
I'm used to normal names like "Vito,"
"Don Mancini,"
or "Tony the Brick."
Eh, forget about it.
Okay, Heather, try and kick me in the pants.
Don't worry, you will not hurt me.
Take this rat to the face!
[all scream]
That was a rat!
[audience laughs]
See how yous was instantly disarmed?
Someone, grab him!
Okay, fine, pssh, I'll grab him.
Yous is all freaked out
like your local bagel place is out of lox.
Just go to a different bagel place,
they all got lox!
All right, what's the first rule of self-defense?
- Umm, always be aware of your surroundings.
- Ding-ding-ding-ding!
Wrong!
Always keep a rat in your pocket!
[audience laughter]
- That was in your pocket this whole time?
- Of course!
The only way to scare a hardened New-Yorker
is a rat to the face.
[audience laughter]
Rats in the trash?
White noise!
Rats on a subway?
Oh, a toll-payin' passenger.
Rat to the face?
Get outta here!
- Um, but that looks like a mouse.
- Yeah, a mouse is just a lady rat.
[audience laughter]
All right, next volunteer!
Okay fine, look--
I'll put "Alex Ratriguez" away, okay?
You know like, the New York Yankee?
Eh, forget about it.
Okay baby, eat some cheese.
All right, you--
cheese head!
Yeah, you.
Try and kick me in the pants.
Take this lady rat to the face!
[all scream]
- I hate this so much!
- Second rule of self-defense.
One rat is not enough.
You need two
in case the first one gets smushed.
Ratue of Liberty!
Return!
[blows]
I'm still trying to teach them how to respond with whistles,
but it's hard when I myself cannot whistle.
[audience laughter]
What am I, the New York Public Library?
[grunts]
The New York University?
The school from the musical Fame?
Nah, I'm just a guy.
I got 17 self-defense rats in here.
[rats squeak]
Yeah, squirmin' around.
Plus, I got a cat in my pants pocket
in case they gotta gun.
[audience laughter]
- Do they?
- No!
Good question, you get a rat.
[screaming]
Support the head, support the head!
Nice, you are now her mother.
All right, now.
I'm gonna try and kick a'you in the pants,
and when I attack, throw her at my face and say,
"Take this third rat to the face!"
- But it's a mouse.
- I said, do it!
- Uh, take this third rat to the face!
- Rats don't work on me, I'm from Staten Island!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Then, take these cheese curds to the face,
doncha know?
- Oh no, cheese!
The loophole to my whole system!
Oh!
The rats is draggin' me towards the cheese!
There ain't nothing I can do!
I am at the mercy of the rodents!
Just like New York City!
[audience laughter]
- Welcome to WisCANson, doncha know!
[audience applause]
- [high pitched] Hey, thanks for watchin'!
- [low pitched] If you liked this sketch,
do us a solid and share it with your friends.
- My friends are all mice!
- Mine too!
- That's crazy, do you--
Jetta: Hey Naomi, they're ready for you.
- [normal voice] Okay...
- Are you, are you voicing the little mice again?
- No.
- Gimme the mice.
- No.
- Gimme the mice.
- No, but they're voicing me.
- She's voicing the mice again!
- No, I'm not--
- She's voicing--
I said I would tell them if you did this.
- Jetta, but they're, but they're my friends!
They're my friends!
[low voice] I love you.
[normal voice] I love you too.