Right now the Democratic party has an option for everyone.
There's moderates, there's progressives,
there's X-Men,
and there's even a guy
who's worth $1.6 billion.
But what if $1.6 billion
just isn't rich enough for some voters?
Well, then, those people might be in luck.
The Democratic race for president
appears to be heating up this morning.
Former New York City mayor and billionaire businessman
Michael Bloomberg filing paperwork on Friday
to get on the ballot for the Alabama primary.
NEWSWOMAN: While he's not officially in the race yet,
Bloomberg wants to keep his options open,
and now he wants to ensure
President Trump is defeated in 2020.
His spokesman telling NBC News...
(reading):
I have my reservations about the people running
and the way they're campaigning
and the-the promises they're making that they can't fulfill
and their unwillingness to really, uh,
admit what they--
what is possible and what isn't.
Yes, Michael Bloomberg, former New York City mayor
and world's richest house elf,
is on the verge of jumping into the Democratic primary
because he doesn't think any of the current candidates
can beat Trump. And you have to admit,
that's such a billionaire thing to do, right?
No, because if a normal person is worried
about someone's incompetence, like, what do we do?
We just hope for the best, right?
We just be like, "I don't think this pilot can land the plane.
"Oh, I'm gonna pray and text my family.
"I hope they get the text before Valentine's Day.
Oh, my God, I hope they get it before Valentine's Day."
We just have to hope.
Meanwhile, a billionaire's like,
"I just bought the plane and fired the pilot.
Now I'll land it myself."
It's like, "Do you know how to fly a plane?"
"I can figure it out. I'm very rich."
Like, why do billionaires always do this?
You know? It's not just him. Like, look at Bruce Wayne.
Gotham's crime was out of control.
Instead of complaining about the cops, he was like,
"Alfred, build me a car that shoots grenades.
I'll do this myself. I'll just do it myself."
-(cheering and applause) -So...
billionaire Michael Bloomberg
may be making a fashionably late entrance
into the presidential race,
and his fellow Democrats
aren't exactly giving him a warm welcome.
I think that Mike is expressing concern about this primary field
and he should not have concern.
This is a stark difference from someone that can just come in
and plop down checks and buy a bunch of ads.
Um, I think people are gonna see through it.
I think that our elections
should not be something that are bought by billionaires.
So, tonight, we say to Michael Bloomberg
and other billionaires,
sorry!
You ain't gonna buy this election!
-(laughing) -(cheering and applause)
Oh, man.
I love Bernie Sanders.
He does not mess around.
You see that? Look, he's shutting down Bloomberg
the way Popeyes employees would be shutting down racists.
Just like, "Sorry!
"You ain't gonna buy this spicy sandwich
if you say the N-word!"
And I see what Bernie and the other Democrats are saying.
The only reason it's even possible
for Bloomberg to jump into the race so late
isn't because he has, like, a groundswell
of popular support behind him--
it's that he has $53 billion to spend.
Yeah. $53 billion.
With that amount of money, Bloomberg could, like,
keep cloning different versions of himself
until he finds the most electable one.
He could be like, "How about a tall Bloomberg?
"Or how about a buff Bloomberg?
"What about a black Bloomberg?
Oh, no. Now I have to stop and frisk myself!"
And while the Democrats are not thrilled
that Bloomberg has thrown his jockey cap into the ring,
there's a Republican billionaire who seems very happy about this.
There is nobody I'd rather run against than Little Michael.
Little Michael will fail.
He'll spend a lot of money.
Uh, he's got some really big issues.
He's got some personal problems.
And he's got a lot of other problems.
But I know Michael Bloomberg fairly well.
Not too well. Fairly well. Well enough.
He will not do very well.
"I know him not too well. Fairly well.
Not too well. Well enough."
-What? What are you doing? -(cheering and applause)
What are you doing?
You know what, it almost feels like Donald Trump
tries to keep one foot out of the door on every friendship,
just in case that friend turns out to be a pedophile.
That's what it feels like he's doing.
"I know him well, unless he's touching kids.
Then I've never met him. Never met him."
Now, some people may be wondering
why Bloomberg is only joining the race now.
I mean, he told us back in March
that he definitely wasn't running.
So what changed his mind?
Well, maybe all he needed was a little push
from another member
of the point, zero, zero, zero, zero one percent.
WOMAN: Michael Bloomberg, we know, taking steps
to run for president.
Another billionaire reportedly giving him a little push,
a little support.
Recode is reporting that Amazon's
Jeff Bezos called Bloomberg to personally urge him to run.
Wow.
Jeff Bezos told Bloomberg to run?
You know you're rich
when the Amazon guy orders something from you.
(laughter)
That's money.
(applause)
Like...
Whatever you think of Bloomberg, you have to admit
it's not a great look for him and Jeff Bezos
to be teaming up on this presidential run.
I mean, can you even imagine what it sounds like
when two guys with a combined net worth
of $160 billion hatch a plan together?
Can you just imagine what their phone call is like?
Well, the good news is, you don't have to imagine,
because we managed to hack that call.
(helicopter whirring)
(tiger growling, dodo squawking)
(audience groaning, laughing)
(phone clicks off)