WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THIS EVENING--
THIS HAS HAPPENED AT THIS POINT.
THIS EVENING, THE DEMOCRATS ATTEMPT TO PASS THE "FOR THE
PEOPLE" VOTING RIGHTS BILL BUT IT WAS DEFEATED BY MITCH
McCONNELL AND HIS REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES.
YES, YES, AT LONG LAST, THAT MOMENT THAT WE KNEW WOULD NEVER
HAPPEN, FINALLY DIDN'T, 1KWRU6789 THE WAY WE ALWAYS
THOUGHT IT NEVER WOULD.
BUT FOR THOSE OF US WHO CAN STILL HOPE, TODAY IS THE NEW
YORK DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY OR, AS IT'S CALLED IN NEW YORK:
"THE ELECTION."
ALL SORTS-- ALL SORTS-- ALL SORTS OF MUNICIPAL OFFICES
ARE UP FOR GRABS LIKE CITY COMPTROLLER, MANHATTAN DISTRICT
ATTORNEY, AND PUBLIC URINATION CZAR.
( LAUGHTER )
WON A PEABODY.
FOR JOKES LIKE THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
I WOULD SAY THAT JOKE CHANGES THE SPELLING OF "PEABODY."
BUT THE BIG OFFICE UP FOR GRABS IS WHO WILL REPLACE MAYOR BILL
de BLASIO AS THE PERSON GETTING BOOED AT METS GAMES.
( LAUGHTER )
I DUNNO.
IN THE LATEST POLL, BROOKLYN BOROUGH PRESIDENT ERIC ADAMS HAS
A SLIGHT LEAD OVER CIVIL RIGHTS LAWYER MAYA WILEY AND SIX OTHER
CANDIDATES.
BUT THE POLLS DON'T MEAN MUCH, BECAUSE TODAY IS THE CITY'S
FIRST MAYORAL ELECTION USING RANKED-CHOICE VOTING-- NOT TO BE
CONFUSED WITH--
BIG FANS.
BIG FANS OF SOMETHING THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH "RANK" CHOICE, THE DOLLAR STORE'S WORST
IS SODA.
>> Jon: BURN A HOLE THROUGH YOUR T-SHIRT.
>> Stephen: HERE'S HOW RANKED-CHOICE VOTING WORKS: IF A
SINGLE CANDIDATE RECEIVES MORE THAN 50% OF FIRST-CHOICE VOTES
IN THE FIRST ROUND, THEN HE OR SHE WINS.
BUT IF NO ONE EXCEEDS 50% OF VOTES IN THE FIRST ROUND, THE
CANDIDATE IN LAST PLACE IS ELIMINATED, AND ALL THE VOTES
FOR THE ELIMINATED CANDIDATE WILL BE REALLOCATED TO WHICHEVER
CANDIDATE THOSE VOTERS RANKED SECOND.
AND THIS REPEATS UNTIL THERE ARE TWO CANDIDATES LEFT.
WITH RULES THAT COMPLICATED, THIS YEAR, THEY'RE HANDING OUT
STICKERS THAT SAY "I VOTED?"
( APPLAUSE )
SURE.
( APPLAUSE )
CURRENT MAYOR BILL de BLASIO TRIED TO EXPLAIN THE SYSTEM
USING THIS PIZZA-TOPPING ANALOGY.
>> GREEN PEPPERS, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, RIGHT HERE, MY
NUMBER-ONE CHOICE.
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T APPRECIATE GREEN PEPPERS ENOUGH.
NOW, GETS A LITTLE MORE INTERESTING HERE.
WHERE DO YOU GO FROM HERE?
AGAIN, I'M GOING TO LEAN INTO MY HERITAGE.
NUMBER TWO, OLIVES.
THIS ONE'S A LITTLE BIT CONTROVERSIAL.
USUALLY ITS BLACK OLIVES, COULD BE GREEN OLIVES.
SOME PEOPLE THINK OLIVES BELONG ON A PIZZA.
SOME PEOPLE ARE REALLY AGAINST IT, BUT I HAVE HAD VERY GOOD
EXPERIENCES WITH OLIVES.
>> Stephen: TO RECAP: DON'T ORDER PIZZA WITH BILL
de BLASIO.
NOW--
>> Jon: YOU LIKE OLIVES?
>> Stephen: I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.
NOW, BECAUSE THE VOTES HAVE TO BE RETABULATED EVERY TIME A
CANDIDATE GETS ELIMINATED, ELECTION OFFICIALS ARE WARNING
THEY MAY NOT DECLARE A WINNER UNTIL MID-JULY.
KEEP IN MIND, WE ONLY WAITED FOUR DAYS TO FIND OUT WHO WON
THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
SO SOMEBODY AT CITY HALL BETTER MAKE SURE THOSE WALLS ARE
POOP-PROOF.
IT'S JOKES LIKE THAT THAT WIN YOU A POOBODY.
AS I SAID--
AS I SAID, ADAMS IS THE FRONTRUNNER, BUT HE'S BEEN
PRETTY GAFFE-PRONE DURING THE RACE, AND THE LATEST GAFFE IS A
WEIRD ONE.
ERIC ADAMS SAID HIS FAVORITE CONCERT WAS THE ONE IN 1990
WHEN CURTIS MAYFIELD GOT PARALYZED ON STAGE.
ADAMS EXPLAINED, "AT THAT CONCERT, THERE WAS A RAINSTORM,
AND THE LIGHTS FELL ON CURTIS MAYFIELD, AND THEY ACTUALLY
PARALYZED HIM AT THAT CONCERT.
BUT IT WAS AN AMAZING CONCERT BEFORE THAT HAPPENED."
REALLY?
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "THE BIRDS WERE CHIRPING, THE SUN WAS
GLISTENING OFF THE PACIFIC, WHICH IS WHY MY FAVORITE DAY IN
HAWAII WAS DECEMBER 7, 1941, A DAY THAT-- EXCEPT FOR A COUPLE
OF HOURS IN THE MIDDLE-- WILL LIVE IN AWESOME."
IN NATIONAL POLITICS, THERE'S MORE DISTURBING NEWS ABOUT
FORMER PRESIDENT OLD WACK DONALD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TODAY-- TODAY TODAY WE LEARNED HE WANTED HIS
JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO STOP "S.N.L." FROM TEASING HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
STRANGE.
IT'S STRANGE.
THERE HAS NOT BEEN A PRESIDENTIALOVERREACTION LIKE
THIS SINCE NIXON SENT NAVY SEALS TO ASSASSINATE THE SMOTHERS
BROTHERS.
WE KNEW THE EX-PREZ WAS MAD ABOUT "S.N.L."
HE TWEETED ABOUT THEM A FEW TIMES, IN BETWEEN HIS MORE
IMPORTANT WORK OF CALLING PORN STARS "HORSE-FACED."
BUT BEHIND THE SCENES, HE "ASKED ADVISERS AND LAWYERS WHAT THE
FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION, THE COURT SYSTEM,
AND THE D.O.J. COULD DO TO PROBE JIMMY KIMMEL AND OTHER
LATE-NIGHT COMEDY MISCHIEF-MAKERS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
REALLY?
FOLKS, THIS IS DANGEROUS, DISTURBING, UN-AMERICAN-- AND
WHY DO I GET LUMPED IN WITH "OTHER COMEDY MISCHIEF-MAKERS."
I DON'T GET IT.
WHAT'S A GUY GOTTA DO.
ALL DUE RESPECT TO MY DEAR FRIEND JAMES TIBERIUS KIMMEL,
BUT IF THE D.O.J. THUGS ARE KICKING DOWN DOORS TO ROUND UP
THE LATE-NIGHT CHUCKLEHEADS TO DRAG US OFF TO MAR A GULAGO,
TO BE ASSASSINATED, I SHOULD GET MORE THAN "AND THE
REST."
I DON'T APPRECIATE THE PROFESSOR AND MARY ANN TREATMENT
HERE.
MY NAME--
MY NAME-- MY NAME IS STEPHEN COLBERT.
MY NAME SHOULD BE IN LIGHTS ON THE STADIUM WHERE THEY'RE
EXECUTING US FOR OUR TERRIBLE IMPRESSIONS OF HIM.
( LAUGHTER )
OIT OF OFFICE, A LOT OF PROSECUTORS OUT THERE ARE
FOCUSED ON PROBING HIM.
HERE IN NEW YORK, THE MANHATTAN D.A.'S OFFICE IS PUTTING
PRESSURE ON HIS UNDERLINGS TO GET THEM TO FLIP ON THE BOSS.
NOW THEY'RE TURNING THE SCREWS ON HIS FORMER BODYGUARD
AND GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE HE'D BE NAMED MATTHEW CALAMARI, MATTHEW
CALAMARI, "MATTHEW CALAMARI" SOUNDS LIKE A
NAME A COP MAKES UP WHEN HE'S UNDERCOVER AT OLIVE
GARDEN.
"YEAH, I'M, UH, MATTHEW...
MATTHEW CALAMARI.
AND THIS IS MY BUDDY, LARRY UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS."
( LAUGHTER ).
♪ ♪ ♪
SPECIFICALLY, PROSECUTORS ARE INVESTIGATING WHETHER CALAMARI
RECEIVED SOMETHING CALLED "TAX-FREE FRINGE BENEFITS,"
WHICH IS WHEN AN EMPLOYEE RECEIVES BENEFITS SUCH AS FREE
APARTMENTS, SUBSIDIZED RENT, OR CAR LEASES FROM AN EMPLOYER AND
DOESN'T PAY TAXES ON SUCH BENEFITS.
WAIT, GIVING CALAMARI PERKS IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS LOYALTY?
THAT IS A CLEAR "SQUID PRO QUO."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
KEEP THEM COMING.
CALAMARI ISN'T THE ONLY MEMBER OF THIS BREADED CRIME RING IN
TROUBLE, BECAUSE PROSECUTORS ARE ALSO INVESTIGATING CALAMARI'S
SON, MATTHEW CALAMARI JR. LIKE HIS FATHER, CALAMARI JR.
HASN'T YET BEEN OFFICIALLY CHARGED YET, BUT PROSECUTORS
RECENTLY ADVISED BOTH MEN TO HIRE LAWYERS.
YOU KNOW THE WORLD IS UPSIDE DOWN WHEN THE CALAMARI ARE
ORDERING LAWYERS FOR THE WHOLE TABLE.
DO YOU GUYS WANT THAT?
LET'S GET SOME LAWYERS.
HEY, SWEETIE, COULD WE GET A ROUND?
COULD WE GET A ROUND OF CALL MAURY HERE?
OH, THERE'S SOME EXCITING FOOTBALL NEWS, THANKS TO
RAIDERS DEFENSIVE LINEMAN AND MAN WHO JUST FOUND OUT THERE'S
LEFTOVER CAKE IN THE BREAK ROOM, CARL NASSIB.
YESTERDAY, NASSIB MADE HISTORY WHEN HE BECAME THE FIRST ACTIVE
N.F.L. PLAYER TO PUBLICLY DECLARE THAT HE IS GAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S EXTRAORDINARY!
( APPLAUSE )
AND IMPORTANT-- OR, AS THEY SAY IN THE N.F.L.:
>> IT'S GOOD!
IT'S GOOD!
>> Stephen: NASSIB MADE HIS ANNOUNCEMENT IN A VIDEO HE
POSTED TO HIS INSTAGRAM.
TAKE A LOOK: >> WHAT'S UP, PEOPLE.
I'M CARL NASSIB.
I JUST WANTED TO TAKE A QUICK MOMENT TO SAY THAT I'M GAY.
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO DO THIS FOR A WHILE NOW, BUT I FINALLY FEEL
COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST.
I JUST THINK THAT REPRESENTATION AND VISIBILITY ARE SO IMPORTANT.
I ACTUALLY HOPE THAT, LIKE, ONE DAY, VIDEOS LIKE THIS AND THE
WHOLE COMING OUT PROCESS ARE JUST NOT NECESSARY.
BUT UNTIL THEN, YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA DO MY BEST AND DO MY PART
TO CULTIVATE A CULTURE THAT'S ACCEPTING, THAT'S COMPASSIONATE.
>> Stephen: BEAUTIFULLY SAID
REALLY LOVELY.
IT IS TIME FOR AMERICA TO HAVE A COMPASSIONATE CULTURE THAT
VALUES ALL 300-POUND MEN PULVERIZING EACH OTHER'S SKULLS.
ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD, NOBODY SHOULD BE JUDGED BY WHO THEY
LOVE.
THEY SHOULD BE JUDGED BY THE LITTLE ANIMAL ON THE SIDE OF
THEIR HELMET.
I HATE THE TEAM WITH THE LITTLE BIRD, AND I LOVE THE TEAM WITH
THE LITTLE PIRATE!
GO, LITTLE PIRATES!
( LAUGHTER )
IS HISTORIC BECAUSE NASSIB IS THE FIRST OPENLY GAY, ACTIVE
N.F.L. PLAYER-- OR, AS "SPORTSCENTER" CALLED HIM, THE
FIRST "ACTIVELY GAY" N.F.L.
PLAYER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AFTER THAT-- A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
THAT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
♪ ♪ ♪ AFTER THAT, I'M GUESSING ESPN'S
GRAPHICS GUY IS "ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR ANOTHER JOB."
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE WANDA SYKES AND JOURNALIST CRAIG MELVIN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪