I think this will be the last election that the Republicans have a chance
of winning, because you're going to have people flowing across the borders, you're
going to have illegal immigrants coming in, and they're going to be legalized,
and they're going to be able to vote.
And once that all happens, you can forget it.
Blatant pandering for the neo-Nazi great replacement conspiracy theory
from the former president.
The demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over
the past two decades, and I look forward to hosting this event 18 years from now.
Then my opening line will be when it's not la en este de Los espanoles
de la Casablanca.
See especialmente a president Mario Lopez.
Which comedian Conan O'Brien has fun with, shoving it right back
in Republicans faces.
There's never been a cabinet secretary this flamboyantly incompetent on.
Rupert Murdoch's network.
But my prior experience has taught me how these dinners work.
If the president laughs, everyone laughs.
And if the Fox News table laughs, a little girl just fell off her bike.
- How are you doing? - Bill O'Brien has a hilarious take.
One thing I've learned.
About teenagers is, their idea of an ideal weekend is not necessarily to spend
all of their time with their parents.
Cringe.
Sort of like Ryan's comment, as seen on your screens about why Barack Obama
defeated the Republican ticket in 2012.
We all know what he meant when using that word.
Paul Ryan recently.
He really burst through last year when he ran for vice president
after the election, Ryan said President Obama was reelected because of
the high turnout of urban voters.
Then, when he was asked just how he liked his coffee,
Ryan said, no milk, no sugar, just urban.
And O'Brien spells it out for everyone. Well done.
It fool me. You can't get fooled again.
Shocking. This man was president.
And while I'm at it, I'd like to congratulate President George
W Bush on this week's dedication of his presidential library.
Yes, the library has millions of books, articles and documents.
And if you go, you can be the first to read them.
- You can't hurt me. - Thank you.
My name is Jason Selvig and I'm from West Palm Beach, Florida.
And I would like to say that I am sick and tired of the left wing media.
And frankly, people in this room today spreading misinformation
about Wayne Lapierre.
Whenever there's a mass shooting, they all say that Wayne Lapierre isn't
doing enough to stop these mass shootings, and even implying that Wayne Lapierre
has played a part in making it easier for these shooters to get guns to get weapons.
You heard it after Las Vegas.
You heard it after pulse nightclub in Orlando.
You heard it after Columbine. You heard it after parkland.
You heard it after Virginia Tech.
You heard it after Sandy hook. You heard it after El Paso.
You heard it after Buffalo.
You kept hearing that Wayne Lapierre isn't doing enough.
And frankly, that's not true. The NRA, under Wayne Lapierre's leadership
has provided thoughts and prayers
to the victims and their families.
From comedian Jason Selvig of the Good Liers Wayne Lapierre.
Getting roasted will never, ever get old.
Here's a fun fact about tonight's food.
Everything you ate this evening was personally shot by Wayne Lapierre.
Don't worry. It was during a home invasion though.
The fish came in through the window.
That wasn't peppercorn. That was buckshot, ladies and gentlemen.
Incidentally, you may not know this, but Wayne Lapierre is merely
the executive vice president of the NRA.
Which begs the question, how freaking crazy do you have to be
to be the actual president of the NRA?
He's not even at the top.
Barack Obama, you punk, you horrible,
anti-American communist.
Say it. Islamic terrorists.
- Well, that's going to go in the media. - It is questionable why?
Fox news and many other right wing outlets love this dude.
Yet here we are with him continuously getting airtime.
Of course, probably.
The biggest story that people in this room covered this past year was the Republican
failure to recapture the white House.
Hard to believe the Republicans didn't fare better in the election
with the support of celebrities like Ted Nugent and Meatloaf.
I guess they overestimated the number of voters who still drive carpeted vans.
I'm not familiar precisely with exactly what I said, but I stand by what I said.
- Whatever it. - Was.
Senator Mitt Romney, who has gaffe after gaffe after gaffe,
is worth a boatload of money through his work in and out of politics and also,
of course, through legalized bribery.
Thus, it's.
Amazing to think how much our country has changed in 18 years.
Think about it.
If in 1995 you told me that in 2013 we'd have an African American president
with a middle name, Hussein, who was just reelected to a second terme
in a sluggish economy, I would have said, oh, he must have run against Mitt Romney.
By the way, no offense, Mr. President. I do congratulate you on your victory.
But as a late night comedian, I was kind of pulling for the rich guy
whose horse danced in the Olympics.
O'Brien ripped him, showing just how unrelatable the senator is.
The justice.
Clarence Thomas, actually was quite blunt about what he wants.
And here's the quote from him.
In future cases, we should reconsider all of this courts substantive due process
precedents, including Griswold, Lawrence, and Obergefell.
Pathetic stuff from a guy who, as we have learned,
does not give a damn about anything, nor anyone but himself and his pockets.
I believe we have 1 or 2 Supreme Court justices here.
The Supreme Court seems divided over same sex marriage.
The liberal justices favor it, while the conservatives oppose
any lifelong sacred union between two men.
Unless, of course, it's Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas.
I'd rather be heckled than ignored.
Or, as I like to say, you only tease the ones you love.
House Speaker Boehner had a rocky relationship with the former president.
O'Brien put it like this.
It's no surprise that Speaker John Boehner isn't here tonight.
Speaker Boehner and President Obama are still struggling to get along.
President Obama and John Boehner are kind of like a blind date
between Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow.
In theory, they understand each other's positions.
But deep down, you know, nothing's ever going to happen.
Can you share my story, please? Very nice.
Getting a good picture, everybody. So we look nice and handsome.
Ben. Beautiful.
Perfect.
A question many have brought up. Why does Trump suck up to authoritarians?
Why does he try to get in their good graces?
Speaking of nothing happening, we're all hoping, of course,
that nothing happens with North Korea.
And that got me wondering, what is with Kim Jong UN now?
In the past, we've had really scary enemies like Saddam Hussein and Hitler.
Now suddenly our nemesis is a pouty teenage boy who dresses
like Rosie O'Donnell at the Emmys.
Kim Jong UN doesn't understand that we aren't afraid of him.
What that guy doesn't get is that we already have an unstable peninsula
that will ultimately bring down America.
It's called Florida. Yes it is.
A few of my other favorites from Conan were this.
Mr. President, you're going to leave office as a very young man,
and yet the presidency has taken its toll.
I don't want to alarm you, sir, but you're starting
to look like a judge on law and order.
Just say you're on thin ice, counselor. You could have that part right away.
Seriously, Mr. President, your hair is so white,
it could be a member of your cabinet.
- He can handle it. - And of course this.
But as I look around the room and see all the media here tonight, I realize this is
all just one big high school cafeteria.
That's all it is.
Think about it. Fox is the jocks.
MSNBC is the nerds. Bloggers are the goths.
NPR is the table for kids with peanut allergies.
Al Jazeera is the weird foreign exchange student nobody talks to.
And print media. I didn't forget you.
You're the poor kid who died sophomore year in a car crash.
Yeah.
Cheer up. We dedicate the yearbook to you.
Let's recap.
But before we do, if you can please do become a channel member at YouTube.com
slash Twit sports.
Just click the join button and or go to Tyt.com slash join.
In addition, help me reach a goal on the follower count
on Twitter, Instagram and TikTok.
Appreciate the love as always.
As I was putting this together, one thing really stuck out to me.
It is that when we do these, the jokes are timeless.
Some subjects may change over time, and there may be an evolution
of what the culture war is, but it is a constant, consistent theme.
One other thing that stuck out to me, and I feel like could potentially
be done in a clip of its own, is the right wing love for Ted Nugent.
Even as I say his name, I know the reactions that y'all have.
His past is treacherous.
It's pedo like and for the party of family values to continue giving this guy
airtime, inviting him into their offices, into their studios, having him go
to a separate studio even and hosting him Fox News Real America's Voice.
The blaze could be any network as long as it is conservative media.
He will always have a home.
And I personally feel like for those that are saying, you know, they're trying to
take away our heritage and we must protect the children, go back and look at some
of his lyrics, or maybe we should, because what you will find is quite preposterous.