OF COURSE, TRUMP USED LAST NIGHT'S RALLY TO BRING UP HIS
FAVORITE PRE-MIDTERMS TALKING POINT-- A GROUP OF CENTRAL
AMERICAN MIGRANTS FLEEING NORTH TO SAFETY-- A.K.A. "THE
CARAVAN."
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
UBER FAN, HAS MADE UP CARAVAN'S ORIGIN STORY FAN FICTION:
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW IS A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE.
THEY CALL IT A CARAVAN.
( BOOING )
STARTED?
DOES EVERYBODY KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, HUH?
>> Stephen: NO.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
ARE YOU-- ARE YOU FEEDING CHICKENS?
ARE YOU-- ARE YOU DEALING BLACKJACK?
OH, I KNOW.
YOU'RE SPREADING (BLEEP).
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE HAS GOT TO BE THE WORST MIME OF ALL TIME.
( AS TRUMP )
I'M CLIMBING A LADDER.
I'M PULLING A ROPE."
( LAUGHTER )
SAID ABOUT THIS CARAVAN IS TRUE.
FOR INSTANCE, ANY OF IT.
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP SAID DURING YESTERDAY'S CHOPPER TALK.
>> Stephen:
"YES, EVERYTHING.
YOU'LL FIND THEM ALL IN THERE-- ALI BABA AND HIS 40 THIEVES,
JAFAR FROM "ALADDIN."
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE IN THE WORLD CARMEN SANDIEGO IS?
SHE'S IN THAT CARAVAN, AND HER COLON IS PACKED WITH BALLOONS OF
HEROIN."
( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T DO IT.
PLOOUZ
BUT A "WASHINGTON POST" REPORTER TWEETED, "HELLO FROM SOUTHERN
MEXICO, WHERE NO ONE COVERING THE CARAVAN HAS MET ANYONE FROM
THE MIDDLE EAST."
( LAUGHTER )
( AS TRUMP )
THEY HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY NOW.
THEY HAVE-- THEY HAVE THE RING OF POWER.
THEY'RE INVISIBLE."
( APPLAUSE )
REPORTERS IN THE OVAL OFFICE, AND HE DEFENDED WHAT HE'S SAID
ABOUT THE SCARE-A-VAN.
>> LET ME JUST TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I SPOKE WITH BORDER PATROL THIS MORNING, AND I SPOKE TO THEM
LAST EVENING, AND I SPOKE TO THEM THE DAY BEFORE.
THEY'VE INTERCEPTED ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE.
THEY HAVE INTERCEPTED GOOD ONES AND BAD ONES.
THEY HAVE INTERCEPTED WONDERFUL PEOPLE FROM THE MIDDLE EAST AND
THEY HAVE INTERCEPTED BAD ONES.
THEY HAVE INTERCEPTED WONDERFUL PEOPLE FROM SOUTH AMERICA AND
FROM OTHER PARTS FURTHER SOUTH.
( LAUGHTER )
UNDERSTAND.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND!
FURTHER SOUTH THAN SOUTH AMERICA?
OH, MY GOD, DID BORDER PATROL ARREST TERROR PENGUINS?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEY EXIST.
>> Jon: THEY EXIST.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE KNOWN AS "ICE-IS."
THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT JOKE SENT IN BY LITTLE RICHIE DOM, AGE 8.
ONE REPORTER POINTED OUT THAT THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T PROVIDE ANY
EVIDENCE OF MIDDLE EASTERN PEOPLE IN THE CARAVAN.
>> BUT THERE IS NO PROOF?
>> THERE'S NO PROOF OF ANYTHING.
THERE IS NO PROOF OF ANYTHING.
BUT THEY COULD VERY WELL BE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YES, LOOK, I UNDERSTAND BELIEVING IN
SOMETHING WITHOUT ANY PROOF.
FOR INSTANCE, I BELIEVE IN GOD, EVEN THOUGH THE FACT THAT HE
ALLOWED DONALD TRUMP TO BECOME PRESIDENT IS EVIDENCE HE DOESN'T
EXIST.
( APPLAUSE )
YOU AND ME, YOU AND ME.
TRUMP ALSO DISCUSSED HIS POSITION ON THE KHASHOGGI
MURDER.
WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE CHANGED UNDER INTENSE PRESSURE FROM
REALITY AND HE EXPLAINED HIS PROBLEM WITH WHAT WENT DOWN IN
THE CONSULATE.
>> THEY HAD A VERY BAD ORIGINAL CONCEPT.
>> Stephen: TRUE, CONSIDERING THEIR ORIGINAL CONCEPT WAS
MURDER.
I'M GUESSING THAT WAS A PRETTY SHORT PITCH MEETING.
"JUST SPITBALLING HERE, BOSS.
NO BAD IDEAS.
IT'S "A BUG'S LIFE" MEETS HOW ABOUT WE JUST KILL A GUY?"
TRUMP'S SHOUT-AND-POUT CONTINUED.
>> IT WAS CARRIED OUT POORLY.
AND THE COVER-UP WAS ONE OF THE WORST IN THE HISTORY OF
COVER-UPS.
>> Stephen: ACTUALLY, SIR, THIS IS THE WORST IN THE HISTORY OF
COVER-UPS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ OF COURSE, ONE GUY OUT THERE WHO
IS REALLY NOT BUYING THE SOUDY COVER-UP IS TIEWRK PRESIDENT AND
MAN GUILTY OF ATTEMPTED MUSTACHE, PRESIDENT RECEP TAYYIP
ERDOGAN.
TODAY, ERDOGAN ADDRESSED THE TURKISH PARLIAMENT AND CALLED
THE DEATH OF KHASHOGGI "PREMEDITATED MURDER."
SEE, PRESIDENT TRUMP?
IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO SAY MURDER.
IT'S NOT A DIFFICULT WORD, LIKE "ANOMISH" OR "UNITED STATSH."
( LAUGHTER )
LIKE A LOW "E."
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT JUST THE CARAVAN, IT'S NOT JUST THE
CARAVAN, AND THE MURDER OF A "WASHINGTON
POST" JOURNALIST TRUMP IS FIBBING ABOUT, AND THE PRESS HAS
NOTICED.
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" SAYS, "DONALD TRUMP IS LYIN' UP A
STORM."
"VANITY FAIR" DECLARES, "TRUMP'S LIES ARE BECOMING EXPONENTIALLY
MORE BRAZEN," AND "COSMO" SAYS, "101 DONALD TRUMP LIES THAT WILL
DRIVE YOUR MAN WILD."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH!
101!
AND THE STRANGEST LIE DONALD TRUMP HAS TOLD ABOUT THIS IS HIS
MADE-UP MIDDLE-CLASS TAX CUT.
>> WE ARE LOOKING AT PUTTING IN A VERY MAJOR TAX CUT FOR MIDDLE-
INCOME PEOPLE.
AND IF WE DO THAT, IT WILL BE SOME TIME JUST PRIOR, I WOULD
SAY, TO NOVEMBER.
>> A MAJOR WHAT AGAIN?
>> A MAJOR TAX CUT.
>> Stephen: YES, JUST PRIOR TO NOVEMBER, WHICH IS OCTOBER,
WHICH IS NOW.
THERE'S JUST ONE SMALL PROBLEM: CONGRESS IS IN RECESS THROUGH
THE ELECTION.
CONGRESS ISN'T IN D.C.?
WHERE DID CONGRESS GO?
COULD THEY BE IN...
THE CARAVAN?
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THANK YOU!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
>> Jon: THAT WAS NICE.
THAT WAS NICE.
>> Stephen: I'M AVAILABLE FOR PARTIES.
( LAUGHTER )
AMERICA'S FAVORITE TALK SHOW, CHOPPER TALK, TRUMP WALKED THIS
ONE BACK JUST A LITTLE BIT.
>> WE'RE PUTTING IN A RESOLUTION SOMETIME IN THE NEXT WEEK, OR
WEEK AND A HALF, TWO WEEKS.
>> A RESOLUTION WHERE?
>> WE'RE GOING TO PUT IN-- WE'RE GIVING A MIDDLE-INCOME TAX
REDUCTION OF ABOUT 10%.
WE'RE DOING IT NOW FOR MIDDLE-INCOME PEOPLE.
THIS IS NOT FOR BUSINESS.
THIS IS FOR MIDDLE.
THAT'S ON TOP OF THE TAX DECREASE THAT WE'VE ALREADY
GIVEN THEM.
>> ARE YOU SIGNING AN EXECUTIVE ORDER FOR THAT?
>> NO, NO, NO.
I'M GOING THROUGH CONGRESS.
>> BUT CONGRESS ISN'T IN SESSION, THOUGH.
>> WE WON'T HAVE TIME TO DO THE VOTE.
WE'LL DO THE VOTE LATER.
>> CONGRESS IS OUT.
>> WE'LL DO THE VOTE AFTER THE ELECTION.
( LAUGHTER )
THE MIDDLE-CLASS TAX CUT WILL HAPPEN PRIOR TO NOVEMBER, BUT
AFTER THE ELECTION.
SO MARK YOU CALENDARS.
IT'S HAPPENING OC-VEMBER 46.
YES, I'M TELLING YOU SOON.
IT IS COMING OC-INVESTMENT BE 46.
"IT'S COMING SOON.
IT'S RIGHT AFTER.
THANKSGIVE-O-WEEN.
TRICK OR TURKEY!" ISN'T THAT THE GREAT THING ABOUT
TRUMP NOW THAT HE'S PRESIDENT WE CAN SAY TRICK OR TURKEY.
>> Jon: WE COULDN'T SAY IT BEFORE.
>> Stephen: FOR YEARS IT'S BEEN THE WAR ON
THANKSGIVE-O-WEEN.
SO, IS TRUMP TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT THE MIDDLE-CLASS TAX CUT?
JUDGES?
>> LIAR!
LIAAAR!
>> YOU LIAR!
>> YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES.
>> 10% TAX CUT.
FOR MIDDLE-INCOME FAMILIES.
IT'S GOING TO BE PUT IN NEXT WEEK.
>> LIAR!
>> 10% TAX CUT.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.