( CHEERING ) WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"
EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- THERE IS -- IS THIS IN?
THERE IS BIG NEWS ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT -- WE STILL HAVE ONE.
BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, CONGRESS PASSED A GOVERNMENT FUNDING BILL
TO PREVENT A SHUTDOWN.
(CLAPPING) NO, DON'T CLAP.
WE MUST NOT REWARD THEM FOR DOING THE ABSOLUTE MINIMUM.
YOU DON'T GET IN THE ROCK 'N ROLL HALL OF FAME FOR PLAYING
THE TAMBOURINE, JOE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD DRUMMER!
YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD DRUMMER!
PLEASE!
PLUS, THEY'RE ONLY FUNDING THE GOVERNMENT UNTIL DECEMBER 3RD.
WHAT?!
WE HAVE TO DO THIS ALL AGAIN IN TWO MONTHS?
IT'S LIKE THE BOMB SQUAD NOT CUTTING THE RED WIRE OR THE BLUE
WIRE.
THEY JUST HIT THE BOMB'S SNOOZE BUTTON.
( LAUGHTER ) PLUS, THEY'RE NO CLOSER TO
SOLVING THE OTHER CRISES ON OUR HANDS: RAISING THE DEBT CEILING
AND AVOIDING A CATASTROPHIC FEDERAL DEBT DEFAULT NEXT MONTH.
AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON ALL THE GORY DETAILS IN MY RECURRING
SEGMENT: "APOCALYPSE DOW: COUNTDOWN TO
SHUTDOWN: WANTED: DEBT OR ALIVE."
>> JOE MANCHIN, JOE MANCHIN.
>> STEPHEN: GETTING OUT OF THIS DEBT CEILING CRISIS IS GOING TO
BE TRICKY BECAUSE IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE THE DEBT CEILING
CAN BE RAISED ONLY THROUGH A PROCESS CALLED BUDGET
RECONCILIATION.
NOW, I EXPLAINED HOW BUDGET RECONCILIATION WORKS ON THE SHOW
LAST NIGHT.
AND THEN IMMEDIATELY FORGOT.
( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, THE DEMOCRATS HAVE
ANOTHER BILL THEY'RE TRYING TO PASS THROUGH BUDGET
RECONCILIATION, BIDEN'S $3.5 TRILLION BUILD BACK BETTER PLAN,
WHICH IS LOADED WITH IMPORTANT MEASURES THE COUNTRY REALLY
NEEDS, LIKE FIGHTING CLIMATE CHANGE, UNIVERSAL
PRE-SCHOOL, PAID FAMILY AND MEDICAL LEAVE, PLUS TWO FREE
YEARS OF COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
OOH-LA LA, HELLO LUXURY!
WHAT'S NEXT?
CLEAN WATER AND LEAD PIPE REMOVAL?
YES, 'CUZ THAT'S ALSO IN THE BILL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE PROPOSAL -- CLEAN UP.
CLEAN UP.
CLEAN THAT UP.
( PIANO RIFF ) THIS PROPOSAL HAS SPLIT THE
DEMOCRATIC PARTY IN HALF.
ON ONE SIDE YOU HAVE THE PRESIDENT, 48 DEMOCRATIC
SENATORS, AND THE HOUSE MAJORITY.
AND ON THE OTHER, AN EQUALLY POWERFUL COALITION OF TWO
PEOPLE: WEST VIRGINIA SENATOR AND MAN
WHO CAN'T BELIEVE THAT A FROZEN MARGARITA IS $14, JOE MANCHIN,
ALONG WITH ARIZONA SENATOR AND SUPERHERO ON HER WEDDING DAY,
KYRSTEN SINEMA.
SINEMANCHIN, AS NO ONE CALLS THEM, HOLD ALL THE CARDS BECAUSE
DEMOCRATS CANNOT AFFORD TO LOSE EVEN ONE VOTE FROM THEIR PARTY
IN THE SENATE.
THIS SENATE HAS THE SAME RULES AS BABYSITTER'S CLUB: LOSE ONE
AND IT'S A COMPLETE FAILURE.
THESE TWO DO NOT LIKE THE BUILD BACK BETTER PLAN.
YESTERDAY, MANCHIN CALLED IT THE DEFINITION OF FISCAL
INSANITY.
WHICH IS ALSO THE SLOGAN OF BITCOIN.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN TODAY, MANCHIN ANNOUNCED
THAT HIS SPENDING LIMIT IS $1.5 TRILLION AND THAT HE WANTED TO
MEET THE COUNTRY'S NEEDS WITHOUT BASICALLY CHANGING OUR WHOLE
SOCIETY TO AN ENTITLEMENT MENTALITY.
YES, GOD FORBID PEOPLE SHOULD START TO FEEL ENTITLED TO
FRIVOLOUS THINGS LIKE FAMILY LEAVE AND AN ABOVE-GROUND
FLORIDA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S SO NICE.
( CHEERING ) IT'S SO NICE.
MAYBE IT'S ABSORBENT.
MAYBE IT WILL JUST SOAK UP ALL THE WATER.
BUT AT LEAST MANCHIN IS SAYING WHAT HE WOULD VOTE FOR.
SINEMA PREFERS TO SHARE AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE PUBLICLY AND
DECLINES TO ANSWER REPORTERS' QUESTIONS.
EXPLAINS HER CAMPAIGN POSTERS: (MUMBLING)
A VOTE FOR CINEMA IS A VOTE FOR --
( MUMBLING ) I DUNNO.
IF YOU THINK I'M EXAGGERATING WHEN I SAY SHE DOESN'T ANSWER
QUESTIONS, LISTEN TO THIS.
>> WHAT DO YOU SAY THAT PROGRESSIVES - PROGRESSIVES THAT
ARE FRUSTRATED THAT THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?
>> I'M IN THE SENATE.
>> THERE ARE PROGRESSIVES WITHIN THE SENATE THAT ARE FRUSTRATED.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE EITHER.
>> I'M LIKE, CLEARLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE ELEVATOR.
>> STEPHEN: AMERICA IS IN THE GRIP OF MULTIPLE CRISES, AND
SHE'S MAKING DAD JOKES.
I'D HATE TO HAVE HER AS A DOCTOR.
(AS DOCTOR) WE HAVEN'T HEARD FROM RADIOLOGY
YET BUT I'M SURE THEY'LL READ YOUR SCAN AS SOON AS THEY CAN,
SIR.
YOU HAVE CANCER.
( PIANO RIFF ) SEE, I WOULDN'T WANT HER AS MY
DOCTOR.
THAT'S WHY.
YOUR REACTION IS WHY I WOULDN'T WANT HER.
I'M WITH YOU.
THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.
( APPLAUSE ) EVEN IF THEY GET MANCHIN AND
SINEMA ON BOARD, THAT'S NOT THE ONLY DISAGREEMENT BETWEEN
DEMOCRATS.
SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI HAS ASSURED PROGRESSIVES THAT SHE WOULDN'T
BRING THE BIPARTISAN INFRASTRUCTURE BILL UP FOR A
VOTE UNTIL THE SENATE PASSED THE RECONCILIATION BILL.
BUT CONSERVATIVE DEMOCRATS DIDN'T WANT TO START NEGOTIATING
THE RECONCILIATION PACKAGE UNTIL THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL WAS ON
THE PRESIDENT'S DESK.
OH, I KNOW THIS RIDDLE.
YOU'VE GOT TO CROSS A RIVER IN A BOAT WITH A FOX, CHICKEN, AND
BAG OF GRAIN, BUT YOU CAN'T PUT FX AND CHICKEN ON SHORE, LEAVE
THE FOX AND THE CHICKEN TOGETHER, BECAUSE THE FOX WILL
EAT THE CHICKEN.
AND YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE CHICKEN AND THE GRAIN TOGETHER, BECAUSE
THE CHICKEN WILL EAT THE GRAIN.
SO YOU CROSS WITH THE CHICKEN IN BOAT CHICKEN FIRST AND
>> STEPHEN: JOE MANCHIN AND KYRSTEN SINEMA SINK YOUR BOAT
ANYWAY.
( APPLAUSE ) POINT IS, THAT RIVER REALLY
NEEDS A BRIDGE.
PASS INFRASTRUCTURE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUE STORY.
WHILE WE'RE TEETERING ON THE BRINK OF FINANCIAL CALAMITY,
LAST NIGHT, LAWMAKERS HUNKERED DOWN TO GET
SERIOUS WITH A FUN GAME OF CONGRESSIONAL BASEBALL.
THE DEMOCRATS IN BLUE AGAINST THE REPUBLICANS IN RED.
JUST LIKE THE MAJOR LEAGUES, IF THE RED SOX MANAGER HAD RECENTLY
SENT HIS FANS TO SMEAR THEIR POOP ON YANKEE STADIUM.
THE GAME HAD A SPECIAL VISITOR: THE PRESIDENT.
...BUT WHICH ONE?
LET'S GO TO THE ANNOUNCER'S CALL.
THERE'S PRESIDENT OBAMA WITH THE BASEBALL CAP ON.
PRESIDENT BIDEN.
I SAID OBAMA, I'M SORRY -- NAH, THAT'S ME, JACK.
BARACK OBAMA.
EVERYBODY LOVES ME.
I PASSED A BIG HEALTHCARE BILL, AND WE'RE STILL IN AFGHANISTAN
HAVING A GREAT TIME.
I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND JOE BIDEN.
HE'S GOING TO BE PRESIDENT, AND I'LL PICK UP WHEN HE CALLS "SI
SE PUEDE."
C'MON, JOAQ.
WITH HIS ENTIRE AGENDA AT STAKE, BIDEN WAS SCHMOOZING, SNAPPIN'
SELFIES, AND SIGNING BASEBALLS.
HE ALSO SPENT SOME OF THE GAME WORKING THE PHONES, AND THEN
BIDEN LEFT THE PARK ABOUT AN HOUR AFTER HE ARRIVED.
THAT HAS BIG ABSENT DAD VIBES.
YOU LOOK GREAT OUT THERE, KIDDO DADDY'S JUST ON A WORK CALL.
HOLD ON - OK, I GOTTA JUMP ON THIS.
REESE'S MOM IS GONNA DRIVE YOU HOME.
I'LL ORDER YOU PIZZA, OH SHOOT, YOU THE ONE WITH THE DAIRY
ALLERGY?
I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOUR SISTER.
WELL, JUST PEEL THE CHEESE OFF.
LOVE YOU!
LOVE YOU, BUDDY!
( APPLAUSE ) RRM
THE GAME WAS A NAIL-BITER, WITH REPUBLICANS EDGING OUT
DEMOCRATS, 13-12.
THE DEMS HAD A CHANCE FOR A BIG WIN, BUT IN THE BOTTOM OF THE
NINTH, JOE MANCHIN WROTE A LETTER CAUTIONING THAT IT WOULD
BE IRRESPONSIBLE TO SCORE.
MOVING ON TO A SUBJECT CLOSER TO YOUR HEART: YOUR PHONE.
THE INTERNET PEOPLE HAVE JUST UNVEILED 37 NEW EMOJIS,
INCLUDING, AWKWARD FACE WITH POINTY FINGER, X-RAY OF RIBCAGE
AND KIDNEY BEANS.
SO NOW YOU FINALLY HAVE A FAST, CONVENIENT WAY TO SAY:
I ACCUSE YOU OF STEALING MY ORGANS CUZ I SAW YOUR XRAY AND
YOU HAVE THREE KIDNEYS.
AWKWARRRRD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
HAPPENS A LOT.
>> REALLY?
>> Stephen: HAPPENS MORE THAN PEOPLE THINK.
>> Jon: I BET.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, EMOJIS ARE DESIGNED
TO CONVEY EMOTIONS LIKE HAPPY OR SAD OR PENIS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S BEEN HARD TO EXPRESS
MORE COMPLEX FEELINGS, LIKE EVERYTHING IS BAD AND NONE OF US
ARE OKAY.
UNTIL NOW.
MEET: THE MELTING FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
IT'S A SMILEY FACE THAT WAS DRAWN BY SALVADOR DALI.
( LAUGHTER ) THE GRAPHIC DESIGNER RESPONSIBLE
FOR MELTING FACE EXPLAINED HIS INTERPRETATION OF THE NEW EMOJI,
SAYING, MANY OF US, FEEL HOPELESS BECAUSE OF THINGS LIKE
CLIMATE CHANGE, OR OUR GOVERNMENT'S INACTION.
SOMETIMES, IT DOES FEEL AS THOUGH THE BEST WE CAN DO IS
SMILE AS WE MELT AWAY.
THAT IS ONE OF THE BLEAKEST INTERPRETATIONS OF AN EMOJI I'VE
EVER HEARD.
(WERNER HERZOG VOICE) ZE DANCING WOMAN EMOJI IS ALONE,
TWIRLING TO MUSIC NO ONE CAN HEAR.
CRYING LAUGHING EMOJI LAYS BARE THE FINE LINE BETWEEN JOY AND
DESPAIR.
AT ZE CORE OF EVEN OUR HAPPIEST MOMENTS IS PAIN.
ZE SLICE OF SLICE OF PIZZA IS JUST PIZZA.
YUM NUM.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH
THE EMOJI POWERS THAT BE.
Y'SEE BACK IN 2017 THEY UNVEILED THE FACE WITH ONE EYEBROW RAISED
EMOJI.
LOOK FAMILIAR?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
YEAH, I DO.
IN FACT, PEOPLE THOUGHT THIS LOOKED SO MUCH LIKE ME, IT WAS
LITERALLY DUBBED THE COLBERT EMOJI.
THIS WAS HUGE FOR ME.
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT ONCE THEY MAKE YOU INTO AN EMOJI, YOU GET
A 18 CENTS EVERY TIME SOMEONE USES IT.
THAT'S HOW JEFF BEZOS GOT SO RICH.
HE'S CLEARLY BALD HEAD MONEY EYES.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S SOME LONG GREEN DADDY-O.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH!
COME ON, ROYALTIES!
>> Stephen: IT WAS SO CONNECTED TO ME THAT
IF YOU MERELY TYPED COLBERT INTO A TEXT , IT SUGGESTED THE
EYEBROW RAISED EMOJI AUTOMATICALLY.
BUT NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT DOESN'T DO THAT ANYMORE.
WHAT THE HELL, EMOJI PEOPLE?
OR SHOULD I SAY WHAT THE HELL, EMOJI PEOPLE?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) SO I HAVE A REQUEST, NAY, A
DEMAND IF YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE AWAY MY EYEBROW RAISE EMOJI,
GIVE ME MELTY FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER SPENDING 10 MONTHS TELLING
JOKES IN A BROOM CLOSET, IT IS CLEARLY THE NEW COLBERT EMOJI
JIM, GIVE ME A SPLIT SCREEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JOHN
LITHGOW.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I CHECK IN ON FORMER MAYOR RUDY
GIULIANI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪