♪♪
-Let's get to the news.
The Biden administration last week
called for new regulations on regional banks.
I'm kidding. We're only doing fun stuff today.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Regional banks. Get outta here!
[ Laughter and applause ]
A Manhattan grand jury voted on Thursday
to indict former President Trump
for allegedly making a hush money payment
to adult film star Stormy Daniels.
But if you think this is the end for Donald Trump,
I have a bus to sell you.
[ Laughter and applause ]
After it was reported on Thursday
that a Manhattan grand jury had voted to indict him,
former President Trump had dinner at Mar-a-Lago
with former First Lady Melania Trump.
It was a poignant moment in their relationship
and Trump and Melania very tenderly and lovingly
split the check.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ As Trump ] So, your half is $38.50.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump is set tomorrow
to be fingerprinted and photographed
and then the next step will be to sit back
and see how many cold cases that solves.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"We, uh --
[ Cheering ]
Chief, you're not going to believe this.
We got news on the Westchester Strangler."
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump's lawyers
are reportedly considering asking
to have his trial moved from Manhattan to Staten Island.
Ah, yes, the Mar-a-Lago of New York.
[ Laughter and applause ]
What are they going to sentence him to,
a parade?
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Trump's lawyers want
to have Trump's trial moved
from Manhattan to Staten Island.
Normally, if you want to move something
from Manhattan to Staten Island,
you just throw it in a trash can.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Baze.
Alex -- make your letters out to Alex Baze.
[ Laughter ]
The Justice Department and FBI
reportedly have evidence that former President Trump
possibly obstructed the investigation
into classified documents found at his Mar-a-Lago home.
Trump is reportedly still digesting the news
and the documents.
[ Laughter ]
A couple in Michigan recently pulled into a Costco parking lot
to give birth to their baby
while on their way to the hospital.
They also picked up some snacks and toiletries
because how often do you find a parking space at Costco?
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Just breathe, honey, I'm going to run in."
[ Laughter ]
Today was zoologist Jane Goodall's 89th birthday.
Her friends threw a party
and their feces.
[ Laughter, oohs, and applause ]
McDonald's --
[ Laughter ]
McDonald's has reportedly closed down
its corporate offices temporarily
to prepare for layoffs, so, if you were looking
to burglarize them, now might be a good time.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, today was Don't Go to Work Unless It's Fun Day.
But don't worry, it is.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis yesterday signed a bill
that allows residents to carry
concealed loaded weapons without a permit,
UConn won the NCAA tournament, and Finland joined NATO,
and I think that's all the other stuff.
Now...
[ Laughter ]
...former President Trump was arraigned today inside the
New York County Criminal Court in lower Manhattan
and I think it really says something
that the craziest part of that sentence is still
"former President."
[ Laughter and applause ] That guy
was the president of the country.
If you asked for the manager at Best Buy
and that guy came over, you'd say, "No.
The man-a-ger."
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right, former President Trump
was arraigned today in Manhattan.
And like anyone else, Trump is presumed innocent
until he outright confesses on Truth Social.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Trump was arraigned today inside a New York courtroom.
Cameras weren't allowed,
but they did have a sketch artist.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump was set to speak tonight at Mar-a-Lago
following his arraignment today in New York.
Wait, they're letting him go?
[ Laughter ]
Does anything scream "flight risk" more
than a guy with his own plane?
[ Laughter ]
It's a flight guarantee.
Attorney Todd Blanche announced yesterday that he's joined
former President Trump's criminal defense team
and said joining the team was,
"an opportunity he could not pass up."
An opportunity to what,
also go to prison?
[ Laughter ] Yeah, I mean,
who wouldn't want to join the illustrious ranks
of Michael Cohen and the guy
who didn't know Four Seasons was a hotel?
[ Laughter ]
New York Mayor Eric Adams
warned yesterday that the city is prepared
for former President Trump's arraignment and said,
"While there may be some rabble-rousers thinking
about coming to our city tomorrow,
our message is clear and simple --
control yourselves."
My question is
where was that leadership before SantaCon?
[ Laughter ]
Kellen Curry, an Afghanistan war veteran
and former executive at JPMorgan,
announced this week that he will challenge
New York Congressman George Santos
in the Republican primary.
Sounds impressive. Do we have a photo of Curry?
George!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Disney CEO Bob Iger criticized
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis yesterday
for his decision to strip the company
of its special self-governing status
and, to get him back, announced Minnie
is just Mickey in drag.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Paris residents over the weekend voted
to ban electric scooters from the city, which is wise,
because it's really hard to fall in love with someone
once you've seen them ride a scooter.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, today was Tell a Lie Day.
Said one celebrant --
[ As Trump ] Not guilty.
Former President Trump pleaded not guilty yesterday
to 34 charges of falsifying business records.
Well, his voice pleaded not guilty.
His face pleaded guilty as hell.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Former President Trump spoke last night at Mar-a-Lago
following his arraignment and said,
"I never thought anything like this could happen in America."
Honestly, neither did I.
[ Laughter ] I mean, you got away
with so many crimes, for so long.
Trump getting arrested was like "Avatar" 2.
I just figured it was never going to happen.
[ Laughter ] Then it finally did
and I was like, "You know what? Worth the wait."
[ Laughter and applause ] In his speech
at Mar-a-Lago last night, after his arraignment,
former President Trump thanked his family and said,
"I have a great family and they've done a fantastic job
and we appreciate it very much."
Great that he likes his family,
[ Laughter ] but why does he talk about them
the way a high school principal talks about the prom committee?
[ Laughter ]
"They've done a great job. We really appreciate them
and, uh, hey, it looks like we're Under the Sea.
[ Laughter ] Give them a hand."
Eric Trump retweeted a photo of former President Trump
in court yesterday with the caption...
No, dude, it's your father.
[ Laughter ] What --
What is wrong with this family?
[ Laughter ]
After former President Trump's post-arraignment event
at Mar-a-Lago last night,
Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene said
that Trump was "committed like she's never seen him before."
Well, yeah, but that's a pretty low benchmark.
[ Laughter ]
If he was committed before,
he wouldn't be in this mess to begin with.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
Fox News Chairman Rupert Murdoch
has reportedly called off his engagement.
And just as his leg was healing
from getting down on one knee.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right, 92-year-old Fox News Chairman Rupert Murdoch
has reportedly called off his engagement.
Yeah, don't rush into anything.
[ Laughter ] You've got your whole
month ahead of you.
[ Laughter ]
Lawmakers in Texas are considering two new bills
that would allow firearm safety to be taught in high school
and, if there's money left over,
math.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump's attorney Joe Tacopina said,
in a new interview, that it was a "relief"
to see the final charges against Trump.
Alright, you know it's bad when 34 felonies is a relief.
[ Laughter ]
Phew, really dodged a bullet there.
[ Laughter ]
After attending a rally in Manhattan
in support of former President Trump on Tuesday,
Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene
criticized New York during an interview
with Fox News host Tucker Carlson and said,
"I think it's a very terrible place."
But the joke's on you, Marjorie,
because, once you think that,
you're officially a New Yorker.
[ Laughter ]
After he was arraigned on Tuesday in Manhattan,
Former President Trump reportedly sat
on the patio of Mar-a-Lago
and used his iPad to play music over the club's speakers,
including "Macho Man" by the Village People.
[ Laughter ] "Hey, man, you can't play that here anymore,"
said the governor of Florida.
[ Laughter and applause ]
According to a new report from the EPA,
there are more than 1 million lead pipes
still in use in Florida.
And there are actually more than that
in New Jersey, but they --
[ Italian accent ] Don't wanna have to use them.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
You know what I mean?
Lamborghini this week unveiled
its first plug-in hybrid supercar.
Now, you can help save the planet for your children
from all three of your marriages.
[ Laughter and applause ]
A government official in Singapore
was recently sentenced to two years in jail
after he allegedly sold more
than 600 stolen printer cartridges online.
No word on what happened
to the trillions of dollars he made.
[ Laughter ]
[ New York accent ] I'm from the generation
where we had to buy our own printer cartridges.
They get you on the cyan? Is that the one
they get you on, Baze? Yeah.
[ Laughter and applause ]
According to a new survey,
an estimated 44 million American adults
are experiencing significant loneliness,
which explains why they were willing to take a survey.
[ Laughter ] "No, it's not --
it's not a bad time at all!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
A person walking on a beach in Florida
recently found a 30-pound bale of marijuana
and they admittedly did the right thing
and reported the 25-pound bale of marijuana.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
According to a new study,
poor sleep can increase the risk of a stroke.
But on the plus side, you got to hear this joke.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Two former prison guards in Oklahoma
were recently sentenced to probation
for allegedly forcing inmates
to listen to the song "Baby Shark" as punishment.
[ Laughter ] And it's worse than you think
because they played it twice.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, two former prison guards in Oklahoma
were recently sentenced to probation
for allegedly forcing inmates
to listen to the song "Baby Shark."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, a local charity in New York
remains unpunished.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And that was a monologue, everybody.
♪♪
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]