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-Let's get to the news.
President Biden travels to New Jersey and New York today
to survey storm damage from the remnants of Hurricane Ida.
Then he's gonna head to Texas to look into that abortion law,
and maybe drop by Florida to get some folks to wear a mask.
If there's time, head to California,
help with that recall mess and then finish up the week
in Maine to kill those lobster zombies.
Oh, did you not hear?
Yeah, every state has something bad.
According to a new poll, President Biden's
approval rating has dropped six points since June
but then it went back up
and then it fell again and then it went back up.
Then it kinda fell again then it kinda just stayed down
for a-- you know what, I'm not being clear.
Do we have, like, any sort of visual illustration?
It's so helpful.
According to a new report, former First Lady Melania Trump
has only been seen publicly once this summer.
Also, privately, said her husband.
We had to put his picture up so people remember.
A diner in Central Florida last week began receiving
attention online after it said it would not serve anyone
who voted for President Biden.
I don't know how to tell you this, diner in Central Florida,
but you already weren't.
What happened, you got suspicious
after somebody tipped?
Producers have announced they'll delay the release of the movie
"Jackass Forever" due -- uh, sorry --
They're gonna delay it to next year.
Gosh, Wally, and I had you put everything in quotes
so I wouldn't stumble over it.
This is my jackass, reading this card.
Producers announced they'll delay the release of the movie
"Jackass Forever" to next year due to a surge
in coronavirus cases.
Though, that would've made a pretty good stunt.
I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is
going to the movies in a pandemic.
Billionaire Mark Cuban recently became an investor
in a start-up company that is creating artificial intelligence
versions of NFTs that have the ability to converse with people,
raising the obvious question, what?
Amazon's medical business, Amazon Care,
is reportedly looking to start offering in-person visits
in 20 major U.S. cities.
And they're focusing on the places where people need
the most medical help, their own warehouses.
And, finally, kids are going back to school,
the NFL is about to kickoff their season,
and the pumpkin spice latte is back
you know what that means right?
That's right, it's summer.
It's still summer.
♪♪
White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said in a briefing
yesterday that there are about 100 American citizens
still in Afghanistan.
Though, Psaki stressed they're doing everything in their power
to move on to the next question.
Pro-Trump protesters gathered in New Jersey yesterday
and President Biden surveyed storm damage from Hurricane Ida,
okay, but Trump is gone, so what you guys are
is pro storm damage.
After the Taliban announced a new all-male interim government
in Afghanistan yesterday, the State Department
released a statement voicing concern over the lack of women.
Um, you know that's kinda their whole deal, right?
Its' like walking into a KKK meeting and saying
"Wow, just white guys, okay."
Today was Senator Bernie Sanders 80th birthday.
Happy Birthday, Bernie, I would've gotten you something
but then I would've had to get it for everybody.
A 21-foot statue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee
was taken down today in Virginia but only because
they finally finished their 22-foot statue of him.
A video recently gained attention on social media
showing Rudy Giuliani shaving at a table
in an airport restaurant.
And it's even worse than it sounds
because he was shaving his bikini line.
That's right, a video showed Rudy Giuliani shaving
at a restaurant table in JFK Airport.
To be fair, he thought he was at La Guardia.
We had some discussion, we caught a little flak
based from some people here who noted that happened
a long time ago.
Like, all -- that was last week.
But, come on, guys.
I know we're going back in time a little bit
but you're gonna let that happen on our hiatus
and we're just never gonna talk about it?
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
The host of the children's show "Blue's Clues" Steve Burns
released a video yesterday in honor of his 25th anniversary.
But this is weird, just to remind everyone that
Blue would be long dead by now.
Must be nice to be Ian, sitting alone in your apartment.
"You go say it."
I just write it, you say it.
And, finally, custom officials in Texas recently fine a man
$500 after he allegedly tried to smuggle more than 300 pounds
of bologna and ham over the border.
It was a tough day for the smuggler,
but a career day for the drug-sniffing dogs.
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President Biden, today, outlined the next phase
of his administration's pandemic response.
And it's tough, but fair.
White House officials have asked multiple members
of the military academy boards who were appointed
by former President Trump to resign
including former White House press secretaries
Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway.
Spicer is currently on the board of the Naval Academy and Conway
is on the board of the Academy of the French Calvary?
After Virginia removed the 21-foot statue
of Confederate General Robert E. Lee,
from the State Capitol, former President Trump
released a statement saying the U.S. would've succeeded
in Afghanistan if Lee had been in command.
Dude, he got his ass kicked in Virginia.
What do you think the problem was, too many trees?
Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spoke
tonight at the Ronald Reagan Library
about the future of the Republican Party.
I guess it's always good to get in an outside opinion.
The Taliban, yesterday, announced a ban on all protests
and slogans that do not have the interim government's approval.
Hence Pizza Hut's new slogan in Afghanistan.
Donald Trump Jr. claimed in a recent Instagram post that
former President Trump, "Took more crap than any other
President, times about 1,000."
Wow, 1,000? That's even more than fourscore and seven.
North Korean leader, Kim Jong-un is receiving attention online
after appearing at a military parade earlier today
looking noticeably slimmer.
This first reported in North Korea's "Help Us: Weekly."
In honor of Disney World's 50th anniversary,
McDonald's has announced it will release 50 new Happy Meal toys
that feature Disney characters. 50!
You're really digging deep.
"I got Mickey, what'd you get?" "Um, the dead lady from 'Up'?"
Netflix has announced that a new season of
"The Great British Baking Show" will premiere later this month.
"Oh, thank God!" Said over scheduled therapists.
Authorities in Florida recently arrested a woman who allegedly
drove a golf cart through an active police standoff
while naked and intoxicated.
Which sounds insane, but come on, it's Florida.
They only caught her because she crashed into another naked woman
in a golf cart.
And finally, Mercedes Benz is set to reveal new electric cars
next weekend at m-- the Munich Auto Show as well as a car
that parks itself across two handicapped spots.
And that, you guys, was a monologue.
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