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- Yes, like a robot.
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(upbeat music)
All right.
So for this week,
I thought we could talk about how to spot a bad friend.
- Oof.
- Because friendship is very tricky.
We've talked about it a lot on the show.
- Yeah.
- Kind of the foundation of this show, some would say,
- A ha.
- except for a couple years there.
- Well even that was a lesson in friendship.
- It was.
- What are some signs
that you can tell someone's not a good friend?
- Okay, if they guilt trip you a lot.
- Ooh, yes.
- I have run afoul of the guilt trip many times.
- What's it look like?
- The person who like doesn't care
if you're enjoying yourself.
They just want you to like be at their,
like accessible to them at all times.
- Hmm.
- And they don't really care
if you're having a good experience.
I dunno if I'm explaining it correctly.
Like they're like, "You need to come to this thing,"
and we've been friends for so long,
but like I don't need to like care
if you're being inconvenienced,
or care if you're like having a sensory overload,
or if you don't wanna be there or whatever it is.
Like they're not trying to meet you halfway
to like do things you both like,
they're like guilt tripping you
about, "Why aren't you doing the things that I like?"
- Oh yeah.
- Also, you know what I hate,
and this is part of guilt tripping:
when someone uses like your shared history
in a manipulative way.
Like I don't care if I've known you since we were like 12.
Like you don't get to act horrible to me,
because you have some sort of grandfathered-in access.
- Oh yeah.
- You know what I mean?
- That's true.
- Like there are people that would treat me so terribly,
and then they would come back at me and say,
"But we've known each other since X, Y, and Z."
And it's like yeah okay,
so we've known each other this long,
but that doesn't give you carte blanche
to treat me like shit.
- I think that's a really great point.
And I think a lot of times like you'll change,
and then your friend won't change,
and then they'll want you to keep being
the same way that you were.
- Yeah.
They're mad at you.
- Yeah, like I think anyone that's like
annoyed by your growth, it's a bad sign.
- Horrible.
Agreed, agreed.
- Or if like you've changed your lifestyle
for a reason that's important to you.
Like you no longer drink,
because drinking doesn't agree well with you.
- Or you're vegan now.
- Or you're vegan now, or you go to bed earlier.
- Yeah.
- And then there's like that pressure of like,
"Come on, like you're, you wanna go home?
"It's only 9:00 PM."
And it's like, but yeah.,
but I figured out that I have to go home,
because or else my whole schedule is wrong,
and then I'm angry.
- Yeah.
We call it fun bully.
- Oh yes.
- And it's like when your friend is a fun bully,
which I'm definitely guilty of.
- Yeah.
- Alex and I were talking about
if we would've dated in college,
'cause I saw some old videos of him,
and I was like, you're so cute.
like you were adorable.
Like I don't understand why you say that you were ugly,
'cause you were like so cute.
And I was like, I think we would've been into each other,
but I was a fun bully,
so he would not have like been about it,
because I would be like,
what number drink is that?
That's only your second, pound it, get a third.
Or someone would be like,
"I like wanna go home,"
and I'd be like, boo!
Like fun bully.
I know.
I don't do it now.
I party, but if people wanna go home,
they're allowed to go home and still be my friend.
(both laughing)
- I also think there are friends
who only talk about themselves.
- Yeah.
- Where like those friends can be like fun maybe,
because like what they're saying is interesting,
or you both have like experiences.
- Sure.
- But then like you're like, oh,
they know actually nothing about me.
- Yeah.
- It's like a bit, can be upsetting.
- Yeah.
I try to ask a lot of questions,
but it's not over always the venue for it.
Like, I wanna know things about people,
but I don't need to be at Disney with someone,
being like, so what's your biggest trauma do you think?
- Well, if they're down for that.
- Sometimes they are down for it.
I have started to, more and more,
like ask people about themselves,
because it's like that's how you generate closeness,
is by like actually sharing things
that are going on in your lives.
- Yeah, I do have a friend though,
who like never asks me about my work stuff.
- Oh, interesting.
- And then I don't really,
unless like something huge has happened,
I don't really talk about it to them.
- They just don't wanna know about work?
- I don't know.
- Are they not like someone in the same industry?
- I'm not revealing any more.
- Okay wow, okay.
Is it me?
- No.
- Okay (laughing.)
- I had to think about it and I was like, is that weird?
But then I'm like, oh but they're supportive of me
in like every other way.
- Yeah.
- When I when I do initiate a conversation,
like they'll listen.
- Yeah.
- But like, it's not like
they never like check in on a thing, or ask about a thing,
where like, and it's interesting.
- I wonder sometimes
if people do that because of their self-preservation.
Like they'll be jealous, or they don't wanna like only,
or maybe they feel like I don't wanna only talk about work,
like I wanna get to the real stuff.
- Yeah, like maybe they just don't talk about work
with their friends, I dunno.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Here's a question.
- Yeah.
- If you do, you know, on "Love Is Blind,"
when do you know when Micah's friend was like,
"Don't marry him."
- I didn't watch that scene.
- Oh, okay.
Well I'm just wondering like what do you think
about like a friend who's like telling you what to do,
kind of in that way?
Or like how much can you like steer
- That gives too much advice?
- Yeah.
- I think it depends.
Like, I think that like,
if your friend never normally does this,
but then for one big thing suddenly shares an opinion,
I think that that's kind of like worth taking note of.
- Yeah.
- Because like maybe they are seeing something,
that you're not seeing,
especially if that's like not their tendency.
- Right.
- So in that situation,
I would like actually like make space for it,
and process it, and see if there's truth to it.
- Yeah.
- If there's somebody
that's just constantly telling you what to do,
and like never likes any, oh, that's another thing.
Like they never like anyone you date.
- Yeah, like controlling.
- Like yeah, like no one's good enough for you,
so they can keep you to themselves?
That's not a great sign.
- Or no one's good enough for you.
It's like this false hype man type of friend,
that's like, "No one's good enough for you."
- "Let's be single together forever."
- "Forever."
- They don't want what's best for you,
or they wanna control every aspect
of like what you're doing and your emotions.
And look, I'm like incredibly healthy, I think, as a person.
and I love Drew, my friend Drew.
I love her girlfriend.
I knew the girlfriend before they even knew each other.
Like I think they're great together.
There was a period of adjustment where I was like,
but Drew was always available to me.
- Mmm.
- And like now Drew has a girlfriend.
- Yeah.
- And there was like a period of time,
where I was like, she's not writing back fast enough.
- Yeah.
- But like, I didn't then go kamikaze the relationship,
(Alison laughing)
You know?
I was like, it doesn't have to do
with if she loves you or not.
- Right.
- And also you can like quadruple text her,
and she'll just eventually get to it.
Like, it's not like you're bothering her.
- Yeah, I mean, I think a friend that you don't get worried
about like embarrassing yourself in front of.
- Yes.
- is a really good sign.
- Yes.
- I know we're supposed to do bad signs,
But, like if I feel comfortable enough like
sending seven texts in a row,
whether or not they're responding,
then I know there's like a level of comfort.
But I think if you feel like you have to act a certain way
like you have to act, walk on eggshells around somebody
- Mm hmm.
- like that they're really reactive,
or that like you can like you always feel
like you're getting it wrong.
- Mm hmm.
- That's like a lot of stress
that like, let's save for family members, and bosses.
(both laughing)
- Like using stuff as ammo later.
- Mm hmm.
- Oh my God.
Like the friend who's like, "No it's fine,"
and then like they get two drinks in them, and they're like,
"And you did this to me four months ago."
And you're like, what the fuck?
- Yeah.
- Having parallel, and complimentary, communication styles.
Please.
And if the other person's is different than yours,
communicating about that.
- Yeah.
- Being able to bring stuff up,
without it being a total meltdown tornado.
- Here is a bad friend:
If you friend is a millionaire, or billionaire,
and you are struggling financially,
and they won't give you money.
- Yeah, well.
- I know that's complicated.
But there is, so like, I think a bad friend is like,
if you guys are, and I know money's so touchy,
but if like one friend has like way more money
than the other friend,
and then they want the other friend
to do an expensive activity,
- Oh, you gotta pay for it.
- but they don't offer to pay for it,
- Yes.
- that's a bad friend.
- Yes.
I pay for people.
I shouldn't even do it.
- Yeah.
If you're like you know,
not acknowledging like the difference in finances,
and then like expecting you
to like come to their really expensive birthday dinner.
- Bachelorette party or whatever, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm very hyper aware of that.
And they don't have to offer, like,
I remember a friend of mine was like
wanted to get a haircut, and like couldn't afford it
and I was like, I'll buy for your haircut or whatever.
And, like, no, she didn't take the money.
But like, I was like, just get a freaking haircut.
What do I, you know what I mean?
Like, it's not like you're asking
to like buy like Cartier jewelry.
You want a haircut.
- Yeah, but like, you can't expect your friends
to spend money that they don't have,
to hang out with you.
- To hang out with you, big time.
- Yeah.
- Feeling comfortable to say you don't want to.
- Right.
- Like I have a friend who will constantly be like,
"No, just come over and I'll cook."
And I'm like, okay.
- Right.
- Like 'cause it's, and it's like, oh yeah,
you just don't wanna spend the money,
and you're not gonna like put on airs in front of me,
which is great.
No keeping up with the Joneses, putting on the Ritz.
- Yeah.
- What's one thing that makes a good friend?
- One thing that makes a good friend
if they laugh at your jokes.
- Please.
Oh my God.
Like, just throw me a bone.
You know what I mean?
My God.
Why are you making this so difficult?
- Oh, if you're not laughing at my jokes,
I don't wanna even be in the same room as you.
(laughing)
- Right?
One of the things I love
is I have one friend who's very stoic,
but I make her laugh a lot and I'm like, I'm a winner.
- Is it Melissa?
- No.
I don't make Melissa laugh nearly as much.
I'm talking about Brittany Nichols.
When I get Brittany Nichols, when I get her started,
oh I feel like the most funny person in the world.
Final thing that I think makes a good friend
is that you are supportive of each other.
And that doesn't mean of every decision,
but that means you're there, if it goes well,
or if it doesn't go well, but you hype them up,
or you make them think that they're capable.
Does that make sense?
- Mm hmm.
- Thinking that the other person
is competent, and capable, and showing that.
- Yeah.
And reminding them when they don't remember.
- Yeah.
- Text back immediately.
- Well, or just allow me the space, and grace,
to write my entire life story journal,
while you're seeing a movie, and then when you get out,
you have 35 texts from me.
- We probably thought about like friends
who are competitive with you.
- Oh, competitive.
- That's tough.
- Yeah.
I had to really get outta that mindset.
- Yeah.
- And just kind of embrace an abundance mindset,
rather than a scarcity mindset.
- That we can all have a lot,
instead of a few of us having the most.
- Exactly.
There's enough to go around.
I guess if you're fighting for a promotion
at one specific job.
- Then you should kill your friend.
- Yeah.
(upbeat music)
- I was wearing this shirt,
which is from "Make My Gay," and then Alison said,
"Why doesn't anyone compliment my shirts?"
- Yeah, it's hurtful.
- What would they say about your shirts?
- I'm consistent.
I just wear a little tank top, mostly black.
- You think
that a good compliment to give someone is,
"You're consistent?"
- If that's something someone's been working on.
- I, you know what, yes.
Stability is a gift at this point.
Stability is a gift.