-I love you.
Thank you very much.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ] Have a seat.
Enjoy yourself.
Welcome, everybody.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
[ Cheering and applause ]
♪♪
Well, guys, this was exciting.
Last night was the 64th Annual Grammy Awards.
Yeah. [ Cheering and applause ]
And I think it was a good night overall,
because nobody's watching the uncensored Japanese version
on Twitter, and that's a good thing.
That's right -- it was the 64th Grammy Awards,
which means it's been 64 years of parents watching like,
"Who leaves the house dressed like that?
You don't dress like..."
Yeah, it was a fun night.
Hours and hours of musicians performing for free
or, as that's also known, Spotify.
Hey!
Trevor, you could've had that one.
-Yeah. -Let's switch gears.
I saw that Sarah Palin has announced
that she is running for Congress in Alaska,
which is -- [ Audience groans ]
Which is good news for Republicans
and great news for Democrats.
You know, for someone who could see Russia from her house,
she should've known years ago what Putin was up to,
don't you think?
Well, I read that thanks to the ongoing bird-flu outbreak,
the cost of eggs is surging
in grocery stores across the country.
You know things are bad when
kids spend Easter dyeing Egg Beaters.
And that's not the only problem the bird flu is causing.
Apparently, Costco is facing supply shortages
of its rotisserie chickens.
And now I'm wondering, what came first,
the chicken shortage or the egg shortage?
[ Laughter ]
I missed you guys. I really did. [ Cheering and applause ]
I missed you.
Thank you.
Well, that's right --
Costco is running low, which means
they're down to roughly 10 billion rotisserie chickens.
They give you one on the way in.
You're like, "Oh, I don't even want --"
"Just take three. Just --" "Okay."
Yeah, it turns out bird flu has been spreading quickly
because some of the chickens have been using
fake vaccine cards.
Isn't that unbelievable?
What?!
Yeah, get this -- a man in Germany is in trouble
after he got 90 COVID vaccine shots
so that he could sell forged vaccine cards.
90 doses.
That guy could eat fried bat for dinner and be fine.
And this is annoying --
even after 90 doses, the CDC says he'll probably need
another booster in about four months.
And, finally, a Supreme Court justice in Sweden
has been fined after she was caught shoplifting meatballs.
If she does it again, she'll be sentenced to six months
living in an IKEA.
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
I want to say congrats
to the Kansas Jayhawks,
who won the NCAA Championship...
[ Cheering and applause ]
...after pulling off one of the biggest --
the biggest, in fact,
the biggest comeback in tournament history.
Yeah, it was an amazing game.
The Kansas players woke up today like,
"It felt like a dream.
You were there and you were there.
The Tin Man, you were there."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it was the biggest comeback since the
"Can you hear me now?" guy got that job working at Sprint.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah.
-Good gig.
Speaking of comebacks, today,
Tiger Woods, who's still recovering from an injury
[ Whistling ] that many thought would end his career,
said that he plans to play this week at the Masters.
-Wow. -Yeah.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Golf announcers were so pumped, they were like,
[ Hushed ] "This is amazing.
[ Laughter ]
I'm so friggin' excited right now.
I can barely contain myself.
[ Laughter ]
Just the tiniest amount of pee just now."
[ Laughter ]
-Oh. -Yep, people thought Tiger was done and, now, he's back.
When he heard, Tom Brady was like,
"Uh, kind of my thing, but whatevs. Okay."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Let's get to some news.
Today former President Obama
returned to the White House
for the first time since leaving office
and everyone there seemed really happy to see him.
Watch this.
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. After a few minutes, Biden was like,
"Alright, that's more than enough.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Let's remember who the vice president --
I mean, the president is. I'm the president now."
Yep, Obama said he would've visited sooner,
but gas prices were too expensive.
[ Laughter and applause ]
But it was fun to see the former president at the White House.
Obama felt like a guy who was visiting his old high school
and Biden was like the old gym teacher who never left.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Obama returned to the White House
and C-SPAN was all over his big reunion with Biden.
Check out the schedule.
[ Classical music plays ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ] -There you go. I love it.
[ Cheering ] Very down to the minute.
Hey, get this -- I read that, after taking on criticism
for their handling of the pandemic,
the CDC has announced plans to revamp the agency.
[ Murmuring ] Ooh. Yeah, this feels like
when Domino's ran those ads that said,
"We know we suck and we're going to work on it."
[ Laughter ] You remember that?
Yeah, the CDC was like, "Step 1 to the revamp --
get Obama to come visit."
[ Laughter ]
The CDC will announce their plan next month
and then a new plan the month after,
then go back to the original plan.
[ Laughter and applause ]
So far, their only idea is to change their name
to the American Centers for Disease Control,
just as they can go by ACDC.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
And, lastly, before we go, I'd like to take a moment to thank
some of our sponsors for tonight's show.
They don't always fit in the commercial breaks,
and we want to make sure that we mention all of them,
so it's time for "Tonight Show Sponsors."
Here we go.
-♪ "Tonight Show Sponsors" ♪
♪ "Tonight Show Sponsors" ♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Guitar playing sweetly ]
♪♪
"Okay. See you guys tomorrow."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally...
That's all the "Tonight Show Sponsors" right there.
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
This is a big day in business news.
I saw that JetBlue is offering to buy Spirit Airlines
for $3.6 billion.
Yeah. Right now Spirit is like,
"Guys, we'd better open a bank account.
I think -- I think it's time -- I think it's time, yeah."
[ Laughter ] Don't worry.
It'll still be the same Spirit Airlines,
except now every seat will have a TV that doesn't work
and a bag of Blue Chips.
Yeah.
And listen to this -- Uber just announced
that it will introduce plane bookings in the UK.
Planes. Yeah.
If you thought talkative drivers were annoying...
"So, then I tried my hand at woodworking,
but that didn't pan out, so..."
[ Laughter ]
Has anyone here been on former President Trump's
social media app, Truth Social?
Well, that's the problem. Anyway, it's --
[ Laughter ]
Apparently, Trump is upset, he's furious,
'cause his Truth Social app is a flop.
[ Audience ohhs and awws ]
Yep.
Trump hasn't been this mad about an app
since someone sent him Buffalo cauliflower tenders by mistake.
[ As Trump ] What is this?
I want the fingers of the chicken, please.
In the shape of a dinosaur. Thank you.
Yep. Truth Social isn't very popular.
At this point, even Rudy Giuliani's
OnlyFans account has more traffic.
[ Laughter ] That's right,
Trump is furious 'cause other than Trump Airlines,
Trump Steak, Trump Vodka,
Trump Mortgage, Trump Magazine,
and Trump University,
it is the first business fail of his career.
So, yeah.
Well, I read that, as bird flu
continues to spread across the country,
zoos are moving their birds inside
to protect them from the virus.
It's weird. Right now all of the birds are stuck inside
making sourdough and watching "Tiger King."
[ Laughter ] Isn't that weird?
-Wow.
-You guys see this?
Just in time for baseball season,
Frito-Lay is selling a new version of Cracker Jacks
called Cracker Jill.
Take a look at this. Yeah.
So, yeah, we can all stop worrying about gender equality.
We did it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Cracker Jill.
[ Applause ]
Well, this seems impossible -- a scientist in the UK claims
that mushrooms communicate with each other
using up to 50 different "words."
[ Laughter ]
I'm pretty sure the study was conducted
by a scientist on mushrooms.
That probably makes better sense.
I'm kidding. He sounds like
a fungi. ["fun guy"]
"What's that? Five picture deal with Pixar?
Sure. Let's go for six."
♪♪ [ Applause ]
Happy National Beer Day, everybody.
-Whoa! -That's today.
[ Cheering and applause ] National --
Today is National Beer Day, or as we called it growing up,
Father's Day.
[ Laughter ]
"Give me another one."
Let's get to some important, happy, and historic news.
Today, the Senate officially confirmed Ketanji Brown Jackson.
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ Rimshot ]
Making her the first Black woman on the Supreme Court!
Come on! [ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah!
It's great.
That's right. She's going to be Justice Jackson.
Yeah, when Disney heard that name, they immediately
added her to the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Jackson will now debate the most important issues
facing our country,
like freedom of speech, states' rights,
and "Is it cake?"
[ Laughter ]
Oh, this is cool -- Jackson actually watched
the Senate confirmation vote live
with President Biden at the White House.
Here they are, here's a picture. Yeah.
[ Awws and laughter ]
Looks less like a Supreme Court confirmation,
more like a Zoom wedding. Doesn't it, a little bit?
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
It's also an exciting time in the sports world,
'cause it was opening day of Major League Baseball season
and the first day of the Masters golf tournament.
[ Cheering and applause ] All today.
Yep. Baseball and golf --
it's basically the Olympics for napping in front of the TV.
[ Laughter ]
But the big story at the Masters
is that Tiger Woods is back and playing great.
[ Cheering and applause ]
How annoying is that for everyone else?
-Yeah. -The guy misses 17 months,
he comes back, he's like, "Well, I guess I'll just go
win the Masters, I don't know." [ Laughter ]
Well, some business news -- I read that Richard Branson
wants to swap rockets with Elon Musk.
[ Laughter ]
So that he can fly to space with SpaceX,
and Musk can fly with Virgin Galactic.
[ Laughter ] So I guess Kimmel and I
really started a trend, right?
[ Laughter ]
Usually, when two guys want to try out each other's rockets,
we can't talk about it on TV. -Hey! Oh!
[ Laughter ]
-Hey, I saw that the CEO of Red Lobster has resigned
after just eight months on the job.
Now Red Lobster has to pick a new CEO
out of the live CEO tank.
[ Laughter ]
"That one. That one's perfect."
It's odd. Usually the only thing
that hangs around Red Lobster for eight months
is the coconut shrimp.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, people are talking about this --
the FDA is looking into complaints all over the country
from people getting sick from Lucky Charms.
[ Audience oohs ]
The FDA was like, "Well, here's your first problem --
you're eating marshmallows for breakfast, so..."
[ Laughter ]
So far, the symptoms are
[ Irish accent ] Pink eyes, green tongue, and yellow skin.
[ Laughter ]
Some TV news. A lot of people are talking about Ken Burns'
new Ben Franklin documentary on PBS.
Have you seen it? He's made over 20 documentaries,
but, I don't -- maybe he's doing it for too long.
I think he might be losing it.
I just felt -- I feel like the -- something --
The writing's off. I don't know.
Take a look at what I saw.
♪♪
-Mm. Hot.
Oh! John Adams.
Would you like some tea? -Don't mind if I brew.
[ Both laugh ]
[ Slide whistle plays ]
-And by the way, have you seen my kite?
-As if. You're never getting that thing back.
-What about the electricity?
-Benjamin Franklin, I don't have all day.
I have to go back to see my family.
-What family? -Why, the Adams family.
[ "Addams Family" theme plays ]
That's my last name.
♪♪
[ Laughter ] -Wow.
[ Applause ]
I concur. -I found it odd.
Well, this is interesting.
Researchers in Japan created a --
[ Laughter ]
What's the problem? -I'm just -- I don't --
[ Laughter ]
I don't know what that was supposed to be.
[ Laughter ]
-What do you think you saw?
-I thought I saw... -Yeah?
-...Benjamin Franklin... -Yeah.
-Right? -Hey, okay.
-...John Adams... -That's correct.
-...chatting by a modern-day coffee station.
-Yeah, like a -- like a Keurig, or something.
-Right? They're drinking in demitasse cups.
-Yes. -He drank his coffee --
-He's like... -First of all, it's so hot
that he had to go, "Ouch, ouch, ouch."
-He said, "Hot." -"Hot."
And then John Adams drank it, and his eyes went --
whoop! -- like that. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah. It was a little -- -That was -- Ken Burns did that.
-Ken Burns apparently did that, yeah.
-Wow! You're right -- the writing is off.
-I just -- Something's off, right?
-Yeah, something's off. [ Laughter ]
-Well, there's no actual footage of Ben Franklin,
so they had to re-create it. -Yeah, right.
-So I guess, let him -- let them improvise.
-You know what? That explains it all.
You have to improvise. 'Cause you don't know.
You weren't there. [ Laughter ]
-Well, this is interesting, guys.
I think you'll find this interesting.
In Japan, these researchers created a robot
that mastered a pretty important task.
Check this out.
[ Laughter ]
It's great if you feel like eating a banana next week.
It really is.
People wonder why it's taking so long to beat COVID, you know?
[ Laughter ]
Well, listen to this -- a driver in Maine
had to be rescued after she made a wrong turn at a garbage dump
and ended up on top of a trash compacter.
This is real. Look at this.
-Oh! [ Audience oohs ]
-Yet another success story for Apple Maps.
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
Let's get to some news. Well, guys,
the FDA just announced that
the U.S. has less than two months to decide
whether Americans need COVID booster shots this fall.
Yeah, but don't worry, whatever they decide,
they promise to roll out the new rules
in the most confusing way possible.
[ Laughter and applause ] Honestly, at this point,
how do we not have Vaccine Prime?
[ Laughter ]
Well, earlier this week,
former President Obama visited the White House.
Did you see that?
And everyone went nuts for him.
[ Laughter ] Almost too crazy, yeah.
They just wouldn't stop clapping.
[ Laughter ] And Biden was like,
"Okay, we're good." [ Laughter ]
But then he gave an address
that really boosted morale and I think it's even
rubbing off on President Biden.
Listen to the speech that Biden gave today. Listen.
-[ As Obama ] Uh, okay, look,
there's too much, uh,
malarkey in Washington.
[ Laughter ] I'm still committed to passing
[ Staccato ] my Build Back Better plan.
[ Staccato ] Build Back Better.
You know, my mom used to, uh, she'd sit me down.
She'd say, "Joey."
She'd say, "Don't take no rubber pennies from nobody."
[ Laughter ] But let me be clear, Jack.
I'd like to announce also that I'm changing my name
from Joe Biden to just Obiden.
[ Laughter ] I like that.
President Obiden.
Go, trains!
-Yeah, wow, go, trains.
[ Cheering and applause ] Obiden.
-Obiden, like Obama. -He wants to go by
President Obiden. -Yeah.
-I like it, yeah. That's good.
Guys, some entertainment news -- it was just announced
that Chip and Joanna Gaines' Magnolia Network
is moving to HBO.
[ Oohing ]
-That should be great. Now, they can finally show
all the profanity when a couple fights over cabinet knobs.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of HBO, I read that they're planning
to create a Sherlock Holmes TV Universe.
[ Oohs, smattering of applause ]
So, between this and Chip and Joanna,
HBO really seems to be into shows about ho(l)mes.
[ Laughter and slow clap ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ The Roots playing mellow funk ]
♪♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
Ooh! -Wow.
-Yeah.
And the Emmy goes to...
[ Laughter ]
Listen to this -- amid high oil prices,
American Airlines is going to use a bus service
as an alternative to some
[ Laughter ] short connecting flights.
A bus, instead of a plane.
It's the equivalent of a waiter saying, "We're out of Coke.
Is backwash okay?"
[ Laughter and ewws ]
On the bright side, at least there won't be a security line,
since pretty much anything goes on a bus.
[ Laughter ] I think it's actually a smart idea.
American Airlines is like, "Oil prices are high,
but thank God gas prices are low.
Bus it is! No one reads the news."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Speaking of flights, a former British Airways pilot
who lied about his flying experience
has been sentenced to a year in jail
after he pressed a button "no qualified pilot would."
[ Laughter ]
Maybe I'm crazy, but if there's a button in the cockpit
you should never press,
maybe don't put it on the plane, you know?
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ As Obama ] Don't -- Don't put it on the plane.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, I heard about a woman in Texas
who just finished running her 1,000th marathon.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Even her FitBit was like, "Okay, we get it."
[ Laughter ] At this point, her friends are like,
"Cheryl, what are you running from?"