- It's the holiday season again,
and you're probably really anxious about buying
the perfect present for your partner.
- Your parent.
- Your friend.
- Because I'm impossible to shop for.
So stop trying.
- Seriously, just give up.
- You're never gonna win.
- Buying a gift for me is like buying a gift for Bigfoot,
Bigfoot doesn't want a juice press from TJMaxx
and neither do I.
- I have tons of interests,
but they're so obscure and specific
that you're probably
just going to get it wrong if you try.
- Plus if I ever wanted or needed anything,
I just buy it for myself.
- We've been friends for 12 years
and you just spent the entire afternoon
combing through my social media,
trying to find one clue as to
what my hobbies and interests are.
The most you're ever gonna find is a post
about a band I liked that has since broken up
and a picture of my niece's cat.
That's less than nothing.
- My only interest is reading
those cheesy romance novels from
the Dollar General discount bin.
And I know you don't wanna buy those for me.
- Sometimes there's a glimmer of hope.
One night at dinner
I mentioned that I'm really interested in seeing
the new interactive exhibit at the art museum,
your eyes light up and you buy tickets immediately.
For once I'm gonna be so impressed
with your thoughtfulness,
and you'll finally get to give me something
that I'll love and enjoy.
Two weeks later a friend mentions
they went to the art exhibit and it was boring.
I say, "thank goodness we didn't get tickets for that!"
I'm a monster.
- You're trying so hard, sweetie.
Ever since I went golfing that one time in 2009,
you've bought me golf books, golf decor, golf stationary,
and even golf lessons.
Every Christmas! I know you're just grasping at straws,
trying to figure out what I like,
but you don't have to stress yourself out so much.
- And you gotta stop with the gift cards.
Having money, you can only spend in one place
should be outlawed.
I've been desperately trying to spend this one
you got me last year.
- Oh, you got $36 left on there.
- I don't even like the coffee here.
- Okay.
- They say it's the thought that counts.
But if that thought is a sausage of the month subscription,
maybe we're better off not exchanging gifts at all.
- We're letting you off the hook.
No presents this year,
because what the holidays are really about
is spending time with the people you love.
- And that's really all we want
to spend time with you
sitting around the fireplace,
eating good food, laughing.
We don't need gifts to prove we love each other.
- But if you feel like you absolutely have
to get me a gift this year,
there's one thing I promise I'll always want
- Cash.
- Cold hard, baby!
- It’s the holiday season again and you’re prooobably...
- (off-screen) Action.
- I forgot my line.
- My only interest is reading those cheesy discount novels...shoot!
At the discount bin of the Dollar General.
- My only interest is reading those discount...Shoot!
From the discount bin at Dollar General.
Was that the rest? Did I get it all in?
(extremely loud crunch, especially for a cookie)
- Two weeks later, my friend mentions they went to the art (mumbling).
And that I’m really interested in seeing the interactive...
...friend mentions they went to the art-- God, why?
...and I say, “thank goodness we didn’t get tickets for that...ahhh! No!
There’s one thing I promise I’ll always want--oooooooOOOoo!
- And neither do I.
(singing) And we’re down.
...post about a band I liked that...since broken up and (making sounds).
(weird clicking noises)