Let's begin with the man you all know and love--
Donald Trump.
[crowd groaning]
Oh, yeah, I think you heard some of y'all booing.
Maybe if you boo hard enough, he'll drop out of the race.
Come on. Come on.
[crowd booing]
Yeah, that'll do it.
I know you don't want to talk about the man,
but we have to, because the presidential race is
about to kick into high gear.
So let's check in.
Let's check in on the latest with our ongoing coverage
of Doomocracy 2024.
All right, let's get right to the good news.
Donald Trump is definitely not going to be president again.
[cheering, applause]
The bad news-- it's 'cause he's going to be dictator.
New warnings that Donald Trump's re-election would pose
a grave threat to American democracy,
with Republican Liz Cheney sounding the alarm about
a potential dictatorship.
Do you believe, if Donald Trump were elected next year,
that he would try to stay in office beyond a second term?
That he would never leave office?
There's no question.
REPORTER: Quite a warning from former Republican
Congresswoman Liz Cheney.
She is not alone.
REPORTER: From The New York Times,
why a second Trump presidency may
be more radical than the first, and this from The Guardian--
"A Second Trump Term Will Be Far More
Autocratic Than The First."
REPORTER: A special issue of The Atlantic magazine today
lays out a detailed, compelling case about specifically
what could happen if Donald Trump
returns to the Oval Office.
Two dozen essays by Atlantic writers
outlining how the threats to democracy
will be bigger than ever before potentially
changing America forever.
All right.
That sounds bad.
But don't forget.
Don't forget, we still have Joe Biden standing between him
and the White House.
Yeah.
So it's actually even worse.
[laughter]
Look, it would be absolute insanity to send Donald
Trump back to the Oval Office.
Who would hire a guy they already fired once?
Hey, hey, I know we let go of John because he dipped
his penis in the pancake batter,
but now that he hates all of us and made a hit list,
I say we bring him back.
And Donald Trump is worse than penis pancakes, y'all.
Because I agree with Liz Cheney.
If Trump becomes president, he's never--
and I mean never--
leaving office again, all right?
If you were facing that many charges,
you'd barricade yourself in the White House, too.
I don't even think Trump wants to be president.
He just likes the immunity.
If being host of Let's Make a Deal
meant you couldn't go to prison,
he'd be campaigning for that, too.
That's right.
[cheering, applause]
And by the way, people aren't just guessing.
Trump's out there saying what he's going to do.
He said he'll sic the military on protesters,
open internment camps for illegal immigrants,
and shut down media outlets that criticize him.
And he will.
Because the last time he was president,
he reportedly tried to get the Justice
Department to investigate Saturday Night
Live for making fun of him.
[laughter]
This dude was really going to send David
S. Pumpkins to Guantanamo.
[laughter]
And I know we're all blaming Republicans
for a potential Trump comeback, but it's not all on them.
It's on Democrats, too.
Every single election, they say the Republican nominee
is going to destroy America.
They said it about Mitt Romney.
Mitt Romney.
At this point, Romney's just a reusable grocery bag
away from being a Democrat.
[laughter]
Even now, if Nikki Haley won the nomination,
Democrats would say she's going to end democracy, too.
The problem is Trump actually will.
But people are tuning it out, because Democrats have been
crying fascist for so long.
Honestly, liberals, there's only one way
for you to stop Donald Trump--
reverse psychology.
Yeah.
Act like you like him.
OK?
All the MAGA people care about is owning the libs.
So just embrace Trump, then they'll reject him.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen.
[cheering, applause]
Listen.
I want-- I want y'all to endorse
him at Drag Queen Story Hour.
Yeah.
Get Lin-Manuel Miranda to write a hip hop musical about him.
Or better yet, better yet, let's
hold a Black Lives MAGA rally.
Yeah.
[cheering, applause]
Now, let's move on from a criminal trying to get back
in the government to a criminal who's
moving out of government.
George Santos was expelled from Congress on Friday.
Yeah.
[cheering, applause]
I had no idea George Santos had a fan club.
But he's already found a new way to stay in our hearts
and social media feeds forever.
Former Congressman George Santos
has found his new calling.
Freshly expelled from Congress, Santos is now on Cameo.
People can buy personalized messages
from Santos for $200 each.
George Santos here, wishing you the happiest of holidays.
Joe and Julie would like you to please
spend some money on yourselves from the gift this year.
It could be anything from Botox to luxury goods of any kind,
like a trip to Hermes or makeup from Sephora or a subscription
to OnlyFans.
[laughter]
He's good.
He's good. He's good.
He's good.
That guy is very good at Cameo.
He's good at public speaking.
He's relatable. He has a personal touch.
You know what?
He should run for Congress.
[laughter]
But yeah, it makes sense that George
Santos is a star on Cameo.
And knowing his history of lying,
he's probably also a cardiologist on Teladoc, too.
And look, I got no problem with Santos being on Cameo.
The man is a hustler.
And that's what he does.
What I do have a problem with is all the people
paying him for cameos.
Like, come on, America.
You wonder why everyone in government
is behaving so badly?
It's because we're rewarding bad behavior.
All right?
[cheering, applause]
Come on, man.
This dude gets kicked out of Congress for stealing credit
cards, and now, we're giving him
our credit cards to make videos about how
he stole credit cards?
I won't knock his hustle.
Good luck to you, George Santos.
But he'd better do these cameos now,
because they're going to be way less
charming when the background is his cellmate taking a shit.
[laughter]
Finally, finally, let's move on to some science news.
If you're worried that you might be getting too
old to have kids, don't worry.
You're not.
The 70-year-old woman in Uganda
accomplished something few women her age have ever done.
She gave birth to a set of twins.
Safina Namukwaya delivered her two bundles of joy
by a C-section after successful IVF treatments.
The twin boy and girl were born premature
and placed in incubators, but they are in stable condition.
Wow.
Science is amazing.
First, doctors are able to create a golden bachelor,
and now, this.
[laughter]
Modern medicine is incredible!
For more on this miracle birth, let's
go live now to Desi Lydic.
[cheering, applause]
Desi.
Desi, what an incredible triumph of science.
Charlemagne, this is the worst
thing that's happened to women since Chet
Hanks downloaded Tinder.
You know what triumph of science I'd like to see?
Let's take all the doctors responsible for this
and launch them directly into the sun.
Why so harsh, Desi?
I think it's amazing that a woman
could give birth at age 70.
Well, I think it's terrifying to get pregnant at 70.
I don't want to be changing diapers when I'm in diapers.
And I can't believe a woman of her age had to carry twins.
My mom broke her hip carrying a yogurt.
And then, to endure a C-section?
I mean, I think at 70, the babies
would just fall right out.
Keep doing those Kegels, ladies!
I don't know.
I think there's something kind of nice about having
babies so late in life.
You can share the same nap schedule.
You can-- eat the same mushy foods.
Like--
But you're forgetting something very unfortunate
about babies.
They turn into children.
You can't play tag with a walker.
Not to mention all the young moms at the playground being
like, oh, your grandkids are so cute!
They're not my grandkids, you judgey twat!
Enjoy your frappuccino while your tits are still higher
than your blood pressure!
OK, Desi. I hear you.
All right, this isn't for everyone.
But what about women who aren't ready to have kids yet?
Shouldn't they have all the time they want?
No.
Old age should not be for parenthood.
It should be for getting gonorrhea at the Rolling
Stones reunion tour.
I get your point, Desi.
I get your point.
But still, there's got to be one good thing
about having a baby at 70.
Well, I mean, I guess you could say
that there's one bright spot.
The worst part of having kids is raising teenagers,
but if you have them at 70, then
you probably don't have to worry about that?
Good point.
Desi Lydic, everybody.