- Does anybody here have any money?
(audience laughs)
Give me some money. (audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
I know we're all broke in this economy, but here you go.
Yesterday was my day off,
I woke up at nine AM, I took a few sleeping pills,
I went back to bed and just slept the day gone.
Because the only way I can survive off of what I make
is if my week is only six days long.
(audience laughs) (calm music)
- I'm for gun control.
I know, what a human being I am.
(audience laughs)
And here's...
I'm from Louisiana, sportsman's paradise.
A lot of gun shooting. Not me.
I didn't grow up that way.
And people growing up couldn't handle that.
They were like, "What, you're from Louisiana,
"you don't like guns?"
It got to the point where my answer would be
"Nah, man, knives only. (audience laughs)
"You ever stare a deer in its eye
(audience laughs)
"as you pierce its breast plate
"and breathe in its soul?"
They'll leave you alone after a statement like that,
you know?
I grew up in the wonderful city
of New Orleans, Louisiana.
- Woo!
- Wonderful place. (audience claps)
The only complaint I would have about New Orleans
is that it's entirely too close to a place
known as Mississippi. (audience laughs)
Now you ask me two years ago
what I thought about Mississippi,
I would say it's a vapid wasteland,
piece of shit, awful, terrible place
full of bigoted redneck (beep).
But recently, two months ago,
I saw something in Hattiesburg, Mississippi
that gave me hope.
It was a Prius.
That's rare in Mississippi. (audience laughs)
Wasn't just that though,
it was the bumper sticker on the Prius.
And that bumper sticker
was a rainbow colored confederate flag.
(audience laughs)
I'mma let that sink in for a second.
I'mma let that sink in (audience laughs)
for just a second.
A rainbow colored confederate flag!
That implies that not only will the South rise again,
that it will immediately then drop to its knees
at a glory hole. (audience laughs)
Yes!
Openly gay rednecks?
Thank you. Where have they been?
(audience laughs)
If there is a God, and God writes life like a TV series,
then God just introduced some very important characters.
(audience laughs)
This season's gonna be good.
And no, I am not gay.
I suffer from this hetero curse.
But I wish every day of my life I was gay,
'cause it just seems easier.
Seems more fun.
Like how checkers is easier than chess.
You know what I mean? (audience laughs)
It's a game, you still gotta play it,
but chess, you gotta worry about
how each individual piece moves differently,
and the Queen's all powerful, the King can't do shit.
(audience laughs)
Checkers, just jump in there and hop,
everybody hops the same direction.
(audience laughs) Enjoy it, have fun.
(audience applauds)
They get to the other side, team up,
hop back the other way.
Live your life! (audience laughs)
And the idea of being a gay redneck...
Look, I know, I know, I know gay community,
I know, not all gay people are flamboyant, I get that.
But I hope every single gay person in Mississippi
is a flame! (audience laughs)
Righteously sassy.
Like, I hope that.
Like I hope they're taking the redneck culture away
and owning it.
Like right now, I hope there are gay rednecks hunting.
(audience laughs)
Only they're not wearing a hunter's orange.
No, that's tacky.
They're wearing like a hunter's magenta.
(audience laughs)
A hunter's teal that doesn't clash with the woods.
(audience laughs)
And they don't have rifles, they have super soakers.
'Cause they're not hunting animals,
they're hunting other gay rednecks dressed as animals.
(audience laughs and cheers)
It's how you meet singles in the gay redneck world.
(audience laughs)
You hide, you pop out of a bush like,
"Squirt, squirt Mr. Bison. You're dead."
(audience laughs)
"Squirt, squirt Mr. Bison. You're dead as shit."
(audience laughs)
"Yeah, you're gonna get stuffed and mounted for sure.
(audience laughs)
"Only not in that order! (audience laughs)
"Oh, is that a bear? (audience laughs)
"Is that a bear dressed like a bear?
(audience laughs)
"How like, post-meta or whatever.
"I'm gonna get him too, taxidermy three way.
"Squirt, squirt.
"Oh shit, he's real, get out of here."
(audience laughs)
By a round of applause,
how many people here have never been tested for an STD?
(one person makes a single clap)
(audience laughs)
Caught themselves before they realized,
"Oh Jesus, that's..." (audience laughs)
Yeah, get tested, you monster.
I hope you were going,
I hope that's what you did.
I was tested a year ago, okay?
I did something stupid.
I wasn't nervous 'til I got there,
because I'm not a sexually deviant person.
Like, I get laid more or less than you think.
(audience laughs)
I'll paint the picture for you.
If there were a bar
and every woman I had ever slept with were in that bar
and you walked in there,
your reaction would be "Oh, there's people here."
(audience laughs)
The nurse, she's just lacing into me right away,
and she said "Why you coming here?
"You look wholesome to me." (audience laughs)
And maybe that's what she meant,
but I still read too far into it and was like,
"You think I can't get nasty?
"You think I'm not sexually irresponsible enough, woman?
"I'm a Scorpio, you don't know me."
(audience laughs)
But I didn't say any of that, I just told her the truth.
I said "Ma'am, I'm here because I have had
"unprotected sex twice."
And without missing a beat,
she goes "Twice?
"Who you think you is? Robocop?"
(audience laughs)
You could argue that maybe she was trying to imply
that I thought I was invincible,
and using Robocop as an example, maybe.
But that'd be too easy.
I think that they made a fourth "Robocop" in Jamaica,
(audience laughs)
and we haven't seen it yet,
where Robocop becomes aware that he still has a human penis
and is now all about
"Me Robocop, me come to smash all the puss."
(audience laughs)
"Robocop horny all the damn time!"
(audience laughs)
"Oh bend over, pretty lady.
"Me so horny, me sorta sound Irish."
(audience laughs)
"pah pah pah pah pah pah pah pah pah.
"Put some down, lord have mercy.
(audience laughs)
"Oh, thank you for that, me bust me Robonut."
(audience laughs)
And just for the record, by the way,
my results, clean. (audience applauds)
Clean as Detroit city
after Robocop cleaned up all the scum, man.
My brain is a jerk.
My own brain hates me. It's a jerk.
If my brain could become a person,
it would be a bully that followed me around 24/7
that only I could see or hear,
'cause no matter what I'm doing,
my brain will eventually chime in like,
"Hey, what's going on, loser?
"What are you doing, losing?
"What's it like losing all the time?
(audience laughs)
"Hey, look what I found when I was digging around
"deep in our memory banks.
"You remember this?
"You were 12 years old,
"some nine year old kid beat you up and stole your bike,
"and all you did was cry.
"You should think about that for a couple of weeks
"and then start smoking again, sissy.
(audience laughs)
"Hey, are you talking to a girl?
(Sean snorts) (audience laughs)
"Who do you think you are, dweebus?
"Hey, stare at her crotch. (audience laughs)
"Stare at her crotch. Stare at her crotch.
"Stare at her crotch.
"Stare at her crotch. (audience laughs)
"Stare at her crotch. Stare at her crotch.
"Stare at her crotch!
"Do it!
"She wants you to.
"Why else would she be wearing blue jeans?"
(audience laughs)
I was invited to a frat party late last year.
I went, 'cause I'd never been. I was excited.
It was during rush week, I wanted to see some rush,
some hazing.
And I saw some and it was lame, I was disappointed.
All they did was make the pledgers drink. That's it.
There would randomly be like, "Pledgers, drink up!"
And all these guys would drink, and I'd be like, that's it?
That's all you're gonna do?
You don't wanna see what they're willing to go through
to be frat brothers?
God, that made me wish I was a frat boy so bad,
just to be that eccentric one
who only comes out of his room during rush week.
(audience laughs)
That one that comes out to (beep) with their heads,
you know, like "All right, pledgers, line up!
"Line up!
"Y'all wanna be sigma nigma noo?
(audience laughs)
"Y'all wanna be sigma nigma noo?
"Let's see if you got what it takes!
"You, here's a case of warm beer. You know the drill.
"Drink, drink, drink, drink.
"You, dip your scrotum in this fish bowl
"full of angry scorpions. (audience laughs)
"You, count to 40 out loud. (audience laughs)
"You, go out back,
"there's a kiddie pool full of heroin addict piss.
"Bathe in it. (audience laughs)
"You.
"Email your favorite cousin. Just say hi.
(audience laughs)
"You,
"force your grandmother to watch this bukkake film
"with you on Easter Sunday
"whilst you eat Cadbury eggs together.
(audience laughs and groans)
"You.
"Take a nap right now.
"Power nap bitch, no pillow. (audience laughs)
"You.
"Siphon start that sumo wrestler's enema.
(audience groans and laughs)
"You, just hang out, you're cool.
"Sigma nigma noo noo! (audience cheers and laughs)
"Sigma nigma noo noo!
"Sigma nigma noo noo, noo noo, noo noo noo.
"Sigma nigma noo noo, noo noo noo noo.
"Sigma nigma noo noo.
(Sean makes grumble sounds)
"Sigma nigma noo noo baby.
"A boy, a sigma nigma noo noo boy.
(audience laughs) "A sigma nigma noo noo boy, a man,
"a sigma nigma noony man. (audience laughs)
"A sigma nigma noo noony responsibility.
"Integrity. Leadership. (audience laughs)
"That's the handshake pledge!
"Learn it!
"Only one of you made it, obviously.
"The guy who drank. He's in. (audience laughs)
"The rest of you are weird." (audience laughs)
Oh, let's get it on, people.
To you, you know. (audience cheers)
Fellas,
men in the audience,
how many of you are taking penis enlargement pills?
(a couple of audience members cheer)
All right, fair enough.
Very proud of that.
(audience laughs)
All right. (audience laughs)
See, men take these pills
because they wanna impress women,
because they think women only wanna sleep with men
who have big dongs.
Is that true? I don't know, let's find out.
Women, how many of you can only sleep with a man
if you know he's got a big fricking ding-a-ling?
(a few women cheer)
All right, honesty. Honesty's good.
See, here's the thing.
Women like that exist,
women who can only sleep with a man
who's got a big freaking penis,
and there's a reason behind that, it's a medical condition.
I'll explain it to you right now.
(audience laughs)
Those type of women can only sleep with a man
if he's got a big penis
because they need that big (beep)
to fill the inner void within them.
(audience laughs)
You know the one that's caused by the lack of a soul.
(audience laughs)
I don't have a big penis, and you know what?
I don't want one.
I don't need one, I'm good with my discrete penis.
(audience laughs)
It's been mine all my life.
I know exactly how to use it.
I know its strengths, I know its weaknesses.
It's compact but it handles the road, you know.
(audience laughs)
And it gets great gas mileage.
And it has a sun roof and power locks.
Anyway. (audience laughs)
Imagine a warrior, the deadliest warrior in the world,
but he's only deadly with a dagger.
Doesn't matter the size of your weapon if you're deadly.
What I'm trying to say is, ladies,
just let me come at you with my dagger.
I promise I will slay thee.
(audience laughs)
I'm exaggerating a little bit about...
It's not that small. (audience laughs)
Okay, here's something we can all relate to.
If my penis were say an annual salary,
47,000 a year. (audience laughs)
With dental.
That's pretty good. (audience laughs)
47,000's plenty ladies, if you just tighten up your budget.
(audience laughs and groans)
Have a tight budget. (audience laughs)
Don't just have a loose, skanky ass budget, you know.
(audience laughs)
How many of you, a round of applause,
listen to music at work?
(some people cheer)
How many of you that applauded to that are surgeons?
(audience laughs)
Now did you know that?
Did you know that surgeons listen to music
when they operate?
Put on Pandora and just jam out.
Some of them make a playlist and just...
It's cool, but it's also a reminder
we're just a gig to them. (audience laughs)
That's it.
It's your life but it's just their 2:30.
Right?
I learned this...
Okay, my little brother is a surgical tech, okay.
That's what he does for a living.
He assists surgeons in the operating rooms.
Far too much pressure for a young boy, he's 26.
Like, the things he has to do are insane.
He called me after assisting in an open heart surgery
and he told me what he had to do.
He had to reach into a man's opened up chest cavity,
grab the beating human heart
and hold it steady whilst they rotated the patient.
(audience groans)
Why didn't they rotate the guy first?
Saying that out loud, (audience laughs)
that seems completely backwards.
I didn't think to ask.
The surgeon just barge in like
"Cut him open, I'm ready!"
"But doctor, he hasn't been properly rotated."
(audience laughs)
"I don't give a fuck, I'm an MD!
"Get the cart, motherfucker."
Like "All right, fine, Jesus.
"He always gets like this
"when he listens to "Flight of the Bumblebee.""
(audience laughs)
That is such, like, that's too much pressure.
My brother's a better man than I could...
I could never do that job,
'cause the whole time, I would be fighting thoughts like
"Bite it. (audience laughs)
"Bite it. Do it.
"Bite right into it. Eat it. (audience laughs)
"Eat it. Eat a man's heart, do it right now.
(audience laughs)
"Yeah, you'd go to prison but you'd be the king.
"You'll be the king of the prison.
(audience laughs)
"No one's ever gonna fuck with you
"after they hear you ate a man's heart
"whilst it still pumped life."
I'll bet that's why they actually wear those masks
in case one of them's like,
"Rargh. Sorry! (audience laughs)
"Sorry!
"My grandfather was in the Donner party."
(audience laughs)
And if it weren't a thought like that,
it would be another one, another morbid thought,
like "Tear it out of his chest, do it.
"Grab this man's heart tightly
"and rip it out of his chest!
"Why?
"Spare him the agony of ever having a lover.
"Do it." (audience laughs)
And like,
what if he just did?
I can't unthink that.
Like, what if it was a mistake?
Like, people fuck up at work all the time.
Like, what if my younger brother had committed
the surgical tech equivalent
of spilling a tray of drinks?
Right?
You know how some people, or most people,
sneeze normally?
Like "A-choo," right?
But you know how some people sneeze like...
(Sean makes exaggerated sneezing sounds)
Like they're trying to fight turning into a werewolf?
(Sean makes exaggerated sneezing sounds)
(audience laughs)
All right?
That's how my younger brother sneezes.
(audience laughs)
Like he's expelling lazy demons.
So he's like holding the heart and then like,
"Oh shit."
(Sean makes exaggerated sneezing sounds)
Sorry!
Sorry! (audience laughs)
Now he's just standing there with a disembodied heart.
The machine's...
(Sean makes flatlining sound)
They're all staring at him like "Who sent you?"
(audience laughs)
I would hope in that moment, if it ever happened,
that he would just own it.
You know, like "Pfft, I was quitting this job anyway.
(audience laughs)
"Fuck you, nerds." (audience laughs)
It's not what happened, don't worry.
My brother didn't accidentally murder a guy.
In fact, the surgery wasn't even
the main reason he called me.
The main reason he called
is 'cause he wanted me to know
that the head surgeon,
for the duration of that surgery, whilst performing it,
made a play mix that they listened to
and it was comprised of one band.
And that band was
Korn.
(audience laughs)
Someone said Nickelback. Close enough but not really.
(audience laughs)
A woman tried to register a peacock
as an emotional support animal.
A peacock.
Like, first of all, that's a cry for help we all missed.
(audience laughs)
Like what kind of emotional turmoil are you in
where you need support from a peacock?
(audience laughs)
Have you ever seen a peacock peacock?
It's not the NBC. (audience laughs)
It's not that at all.
It's more like a (Sean makes animal noise)
(audience laughs)
The head gets (Sean makes animal noise)
all crazy. (Sean makes animal noise)
It makes that exact sound.
Like a demonic turkey, man. (audience laughs)
A peacock. Like, that poor woman.
(audience laughs)
Must have been in such a dark place,
like "Life is meaningless, it's like a cloud over my head
"and I'm never gonna snap out of it
"and I just don't...
(Sean makes animal noise) (audience laughs)
"Thanks Felipe." (audience laughs)
(upbeat music)