Hey there, this is Clay with modernlove.life and this is Relationship Inner Game.
Now in this video, we're going to be continuing on our series through the five stages that
you go through as you move through a breakup and get over a breakup.
Okay?
In the past we've talked about the meltdown stage.
We've talked about the Over Investment stage, and today we're talking about the third stage,
which is called the Rollercoaster stage.
Now at this point in the process, you have probably been able to get back out into your
day to day life and you've been able to start interacting with people and start to reclaim
some semblance of normalcy in your life and because you're able to get back out there
and start to interact with people you know, you, you might start to experience things
in life again.
You know, you might start to flirt with other attractive people other attractive.
People might flirt with you, right?
Of course that's going to happen if you go out into the world, um, or it could be something
else entirely unrelated to dating or relationships at all.
Or you might have had some sort of good news or bad news when it comes to work or your
career or maybe something with your family or maybe something in regards to your health
or some other aspect of your life.
Now what happens is at this stage, at the Rollercoaster stage, we often respond to these
sorts of things.
Whether that's an attractive person asking us out, an attractive person declining when
we ask them out, or something like that.
We respond with our emotions either, you know, up through the roof, just we couldn't be more
thrilled.
It's like the best possible thing ever.
Or just straight down cratered completely.
And we just feel like we've just been dumped all over again.
Right?
And so that's how we respond to the emotional world around us, uh, during the Rollercoaster
stage, you know?
Yeah.
Getting rejected when you ask somebody out, that doesn't feel good, but it feels extra
bad if you are in the Rollercoaster stage.
It really, it just accentuates the negativity of it.
Or it can accentuate the positivity of something else.
Like maybe you start dating somebody else.
And so it's important to realize that this is all about the emotional experience, not
so much about what is happening outside of you.
You know, you could technically start dating somebody in the Rollercoaster stage.
You could end up in a rebound relationship and still be in the Rollercoaster stage.
You could even get back together with your ex and be in the Rollercoaster stage...
That actually happened to me.
Um, you know, before I figured out all these five stages and all of the relationship and
dating advice stuff that I teach nowadays.
Um, you know, many years ago when I was in my twenties, I went through a breakup with
a woman that I was in a relationship with.
We actually got back together and at one particular point in time we broke up and got back together.
And if I look back at how I was behaving back then and how I saw the world back then, I
could see that I was at the Rollercoaster stage when we got back together.
Uh, I hadn't really gone forward to complete the other two stages, which we'll talk about
in future videos.
Um, and so it doesn't necessarily need to look like a certain thing is happening outside
of your world in order to be, be moving through these stages.
Okay.
It's really based off of how you respond to things.
So Meltdown.
That's pretty obvious.
The Over Investment, when we talked about that in the previous video about the BS Machine
and when it comes to the Rollercoaster stage, what's happening is you're really looking
outside of yourself to determine whether or not you should feel good.
You're looking outside of yourself to determine what your emotional state is going to be.
You know, do I feel good or bad?
Well, that depends.
I went up to the person and ask them out.
Did they say yes?
If so, I feel great.
Did they say no?
If not, I feel completely awful.
Right?
It's completely outside of your experience and that is what is really determining your
emotional state when you are at the Rollercoaster stage.
Now, if you want to get past the Rollercoaster stage so that you can have a more emotionally
available experience with somebody else and start to build real lasting relationships
that aren't just based off of, you know, luck of the draw.
Oh, did she say yes?
Did he say no, or did I get the promotion?
Did I get you?
If you want to be able to move past that, then you have to really anchor your emotional
state to something besides external circumstances.
You have to anchor your emotional state to ideally your own personal values.
Now we all have our own personal values in life is just some people haven't actually
stopped to think about them and to really clarify them, but once you start to really
clarify and think about what your values are, you can actually anchor your emotional state
to these values.
So for example, instead of going up to an attractive stranger and asking them out on
a date and a, you know, either feeling through the moon, excitement and exuberance or just
down in the dumps, depression because they either said yes or no.
You might feel really proud of yourself because you had the courage to go up and talk to an
attractive stranger, regardless of whether they said yes or no to the date.
It doesn't matter whether they said yes or no because you had enough integrity to act
congruent with your value of going up and talking to that attractive person, and that
is one way that you can start to shift from the Rollercoaster stage into the fourth stage
of getting back together, which we'll talk about in the next video.
Okay, so here's what I'd like you to do if you'd like to learn more about how you can
move from the Rollercoaster stage to the next stage of getting over your breakup, or if
you'd like to learn more about how you can master your emotional world after a breakup
and recover from your negative emotional experiences.
After a breakup.
What I'd like you to do is if you're watching this video over on our website, modernlove.life
Head down below this video and there's going to be a link there, and if you click on that
link, it'll take you to another page on our website, modernlove.life.
Over there, you'll learn more about what you can do to start to take control of this aspect
of your life.
Now, if you're watching this video over on Youtube, what you can do is you can head down
below this video and in the description box for this video, you'll find a link, and if
you click on that link, it'll take you over to a different website called Relationship,
Inner Game over on relationship, inner game.
All you have to do is fill out a short, painless, like 30 second survey.
Just kind of letting me know what's going on with you.
Are you going through a breakup?
If so, how long has it been?
What kind of outcome do you want?
Do you want to start dating again?
Do you just want to move on?
Do you want to get back together with your ex?
All of these sorts of things, and once I know some just basic, simple information about
what it is you want and where you want to go, I'll send you some tips, advice, and strategy
to help you start getting there.
Okay, so again, wherever you are, if you're on modernlove.life Or if you are on YouTube,
the place to go is down below this video and click on the link.
Anyway.
This has been Clay with modernlove.life, and if you've liked this video, please go ahead
and give us a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel or please go ahead and leave a comment
down below letting me know what sorts of videos you'd like to see us making the future.
Anyway, once again, this is Clay.
I'll see you in the next video and I hope this has helped you improve your relationship
inner game.