- I just took one of those DNA ancestry things,
and it's obviously, I even see it from my family,
but 68 percent crippling self-doubt
and that is, uncomfortable.
And the fact that you all didn't laugh harder at that,
now it's 69 percent.
Ha, 69!
Yes!
I don't even know what that means, too old.
Too old.
Have you ever seen where they have all those windmills,
like a wind farm, and some people don't like them
because they kill birds,
but I don't like birds because I own a car.
So they all spin, and you can see it and it's gorgeous.
Thousands of windmills spinning.
And then in the distance there will be one
going the wrong direction.
It me.
It's very uncomfortable.
Does anybody else just wake up every day,
I just, I'm constantly, I'm sorry for something.
I would like a Quarter Pounder with cheese, no onions.
Or, put the onions on, I don't want to,
you know what, the chef planned the meal,
who am I to question him?
He went through culinary school
and clown college, he knows what he's doing.
I went out this evening and I got,
I went for a dinner, I just wanted to eat.
And I ordered oysters because it was fancy night,
and I wanted to celebrate,
and when the bartender put the oysters on the bar,
I was eating by myself,
I eat at the bar because I like to eavesdrop
because that is nature's Instagram.
When he set it up there, he goes
hey, those are an aphrodisiac.
And I was clearly sitting alone,
and that's the most uncomfortable thing
that anyone has ever said.
Like I think he's being polite,
and working on tip, but I don't understand
why he did that at all.
And do you think that oysters are an aphrodisiac,
or do you feel like it's just like,
after putting a dozen of something that disgusting
in your mouth, you're just like
ah, fuck it, what's one more.
Who am I to judge her because she has a sugar glider?
Do you know what I mean?
♪ Some of you have sugar gliders ♪
♪ 'cause you make bad choices in life. ♪
That's the way that goes.
Constant living in constant panic
and constant fear that someone's going to be angry at me.
A woman the other day yelled at me
because leaves were coming out of the back of my truck,
and she's like you're littering!
And I was like, those are leaves.
She was like it's litter!
And I was like let's cut down the trees.
It's so creepy sometimes.
I worry about the world a little bit.
I'm a parent.
I have children. That is what makes you a parent,
apparently.
And it can be scary at times.
Do you have any kids?
You're young and smiling.
You look old, you got a kid?
All right, nobody wants to answer that,
I get how it goes.
Here's the difference, if you don't have kids
it's a very simple thing that happens
if you don't have kids.
Some of you tonight will have some drinks,
and maybe something else in the parking lot,
and you'll enjoy your lives,
and then you'll go home tonight
and you'll think, you know, I really want a snack.
And guess what, you can just have a snack.
Good for you.
But if you're a parent, you can't.
Because a child can hear a wrapper
on a snack from miles away, right?
It's true, it's absolutely true.
I have literally eaten a cupcake in a closet before.
My clothes are always dirty
and it's not because of my kids,
it's because I'm in there.
(nom nom)
Every pantry has a little bit of room when you close it,
and that room is so you can sneak in there
and just enjoy and taste single again.
It's amazing.
The other day I'm opening the freezer, right?
And I'm getting out the last popsicle.
Oh, delicious last popsicle,
and then as I wrapper,
there is my nine year old daughter,
but she is now both of the girls from The Shining
in the same body at once.
And I'm ah, ah,
and then she looks at me,
and I look at her,
and then she does the
um, sometimes, sometimes when I'm good,
sometimes mom, um, if I can
so sometimes when I'm.
What?!
What do you want?!
Say what you want, don't make me figure out a riddle,
don't be your fucking mother,
just say what you want!
Say what you want!
I'm dumb, I'm a man, put it in words!
And she says um, can I just have a bite of popsicle?
And I can't deny her because she's adorable, right?
I don't want to give her the popsicle,
I want it for me, that's why I was there in the first place.
But she looks at me, and here's the thing nature does.
Nature gives your child a face that looks just enough
like yours as to keep you from kicking them.
And that is why it is brutal to be adopted.
Some of you don't like that joke and you're angry.
And here's what you can do.
Wait for this to hit the internet,
and then comment right down there
about what a piece of shit I am.
Join in with everybody else.
We're all so angry!
We need to yell at each other on the internet.
And there're some people that should be yelled at.
You all have an uncle who sends you emails
that are terrible, you can yell at him.
But we're all so aggro, constantly fighting and angry.
And I think part of it is not just
that we're fighting over whatever,
it's we're fighting because we don't know
what even words mean anymore.
We don't even know how to fight with one another anymore.
We can't agree on politics, we can't even agree on words.
There's no more Democrats or Republicans anymore.
Democrats don't call themselves that anymore.
One half calls the other half socialists,
the other half calls the other half boomers, right?
Constantly angry.
All the Democrats call everyone else Nazis.
Actual Nazis call themselves Republicans.
Republicans call themselves centrists,
the centrists call themselves populists.
Baristas call themselves filmmakers.
We can't agree.
We can't agree on anything,
words or how to speak to.
I'm sorry, I left the Libertarians out of there.
By a show a vape pens, who here is a Libertarian?
They're embarrassed and don't want to raise their vape pen,
but it's okay, we can see your fedora.
I want to make a better world for all of us.
I care and I have huge concern for my daughter.
The world is creepy and it's mean to women,
and it lies to you, and it tells you
that you're not beautiful constantly
to make you spend money,
and I think that's unfair.
They are selling flavored fingernail polish
for like $30 a bottle, which is ridiculous.
Ladies, don't spend your money.
I don't have taste buds in my butthole,
there's zero taste.
Now some of you young guys, you cringe
and you're like I would never,
but that's 'cause you're young
and you can still feel.
You get to an age where you're just like
oh, please, and the thing is that you,
because you're young and you still think you're going to be
what you want to be when you're going to grow up,
and that's why you smile,
and I smile 'cause I know you're not.
That feels good.
Right here inside.
My son, I worry about him.
My son is precious, he's adorable.
He's kind and he's generous, but he's also,
he's blonde and he's blue eyed and he's white
and I don't know if you've seen the news lately,
but he is the fucking problem.
And that's a huge concern to me.
I am raising the person that made high school
so shitty for the rest of us.
High school was terrible for me.
People were like oh, I would love to go back to high school
and tell myself to invest in Apple.
No, not for me, never.
High school was horrendous.
I was in an alt culture, right?
My friends were super into punk and hard core,
but I was into new wave.
Their rock heroes were telling them
don't trust the police,
don't trust your parents,
and whatever you do don't trust the man.
And my rock heroes were telling me
speaking of the man, if you'd like to make out
with one that's totally cool, man.
Absolutely.
I would never want to go back in a time machine
and talk to myself in the past, and jump out and be like,
hey, I need you to hurry, I'm you from the future
and the wormhole's going to close,
I need you to uh, uh, really dude?
Fucking eyeliner?
Really, eyeliner?
You know you're why your dad left, right?
It's true.
A lot of you think because you're told,
hey, it's not your fault,
but I'm a parent now, and guess what?
A lot of times it's your fault.
I want my son to be nice, I want him to be nice.
I take him places, I try to talk to him more,
I want him to be kind and considerate
and care about other people,
so we do more stuff together constantly.
I'm driving him around and I don't know if it's working.
He sits in the back seat
in a special chair,
and how is that supposed to make him feel less privileged?
The other day we're driving
and he's just staring at something.
Intently off in the distance, just staring.
Staring, and I'm like hey buddy,
hey little guy, what are you looking at?
And he goes dad, he's five.
Dad, people made flags
so the wind won't be bored.
And I was like oh fuck.
My kid knows I'm high right now.