-Today is Friday,
and that's usually when I catch up with some personal stuff.
You know, I check my inbox, return some emails,
and of course I send out thank-you notes.
[ Cheers and applause ] And I was running a bit behind.
I just wondered if you guys wouldn't mind,
I'd just like to write out
my weekly thank-you notes right now.
Is that okay with you?
[ Cheers and applause ]
James, can I get some thank-you note writing music, please?
[ Somber piano music plays ]
-No, no, no. Something different.
[ Light laughter ]
[ Happy piano music plays ]
[ Questlove laughs ] -Ooh, wow.
-Sounds like a level of Mario Bros.,
where he's in, like, a dreamland, like when Mario's --
-Get a coin, and he goes into the drain.
-Yeah. Let's go to the other. I like the other one better.
[ Somber music resumes ]
-Yeah, that's perfect.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, CDC,
loosening restrictions for vaccinated Americans
for reintroducing the world
to the bizarre and elusive concept
known as making plans.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Thank you, Bernie Sanders
greeting Joe Biden at his speech to Congress,
for being the first fist-bump in history
where you hear 10 knuckles crack at once.
[ Laughter ]
"My hand!"
-"My hand fell off."
-[ Laughs ]
"Here, take mine."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, the Kentucky Derby,
for letting me know what NASCAR would look like in 1896.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Hurdle by a stretch. [ Hoofbeats ]
-And the winner is Beetlebaum.
♪♪
Thank you, mint juleps,
for being the closest I've come to eating a salad
in the last three months.
Yum. -Minty.
For you health.
♪♪
-Thank you, number-one NFL Draft pick Trevor Lawrence,
for being the first quarterback
to get an endorsement deal for both Nike and Garnier Fructis.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] -My gosh.
-I won!
♪♪
Thank you, lox,
for tricking me into eating sushi at 9:00 a.m.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] Nice try.
-Glad you thanked lox.
♪♪
-Thank you, U.S. Census,
for being the government's version of a nosy neighbor.
He lives with how many people?
[ Laughter ]
-All right. -Okay.
Just don't see that many cars there.
Interesting.
♪♪
Thank you, The Census Bureau,
for sounding like an '80s New Wave band
that never quite hit it big.
[ British accent ] "We're The Census Bureau."
♪♪
"This is our first song.
We love you. We're The Census Bureau.
Good night, everybody!"
♪♪
♪ I gotta get to the Derby ♪
♪ Gotta go real hard ♪
♪ I gotta get to the Derby ♪
♪ I don't have a car ♪
♪ At least The Census don't know ♪
♪ I said The Census don't know ♪
-♪ The Census don't know ♪
-[ Deep voice ] ♪ Listerine ♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Somber music resumes ]
-[ Normal voice ] Thank you, racing hoods for horses,
or, as horses say, "Guess who's Zorro now, bisch?"
[ Laughter ]
What?
-That's what they say?
-I have no idea. I have no idea.
-And you're thanking them for it?
-[ Chuckles ]
-You thanked a horse...
-What's that? -[Laughing] ...for saying...
-Yep. -...for saying,
"Look who's Zorro now, bisch?" Okay.
♪♪
-Thank you, toasters, for having two settings --
raw dough and volcano rock.
There you have it. Those are my thank-you notes.