Donuts. Cars. Coffee. Funyuns. Four Loko. Guns. Plan B. Viagra. Neck braces. Cigarettes.
Those round cheeses. And all of this stuff. So one of these things is not like the other—no,
not because my dad owns all of them except Plan B. It’s because they’re all strictly
federally regulated—except for guns. So I decided to buy a super safe minivan, hire
a mechanic—well, I know a guy who knows a guy—and we’re gonna see exactly what
a car would look like if it was only regulated to the same minimal standards as a gun. Let's
start with the very basics: seatbelts. Bye! See ya! Federal law requires all cars have
seat belts ‘cause, duh, they save lives. There’s no federal requirement for the closest
equivalent to a seatbelt—a gun safety. You know, the doohickey that keeps the gun from
firing when you don’t want it to. Oh, God! For over 50 years, we have had federal safety
standards for motor vehicles, and there are now over 70 regulations specifying design,
construction, performance and durability standards for automobiles in the United States.
- Saves lives! How many of these types of regulations for
the killing machine? Basically, none. Not even child locks! Kid, please don’t touch
that. We have federally regulated cars and successfully reduced the rate of deaths over
time. Meanwhile, gun fatalities are on the rise and we continue to do almost nothing.
And to prove our point, we’re also doing away with those state inspections where they
check your brakes, headlights, turn signals, steering, tires, wheels, mirrors, windshields,
car slinkies, and horn. Wow, now that’s shrill! Because we all know gun annual inspections
don’t f***ing exist! Let’s talk paperwork. We installed a driver’s side shredder to
tear apart your registration, insurance, and proof of ownership. Every state requires these
for cars, but not guns. This lack of paperwork allows guns to trade hands through more loopholes
than a Victorian era corset. Oh, let’s go ahead and shred your driver’s license, too.
You see, every state requires a driver’s license, and you have to pass a written and
practical test to get the license. But that’s not true for guns. Also, unlike cars, children
are allowed to fire at will. Which is why we’re installing a super cute kids’ steering
wheel. And to mitigate my continued frustration, I've asked the mechanic to install a driver’s
side hamster drip filled with hard liquor. - That’s a good idea!
Two weeks later, or as I like to call it, two weeks longer than a homicidal bigot had
to wait for a gun, Mehdi is putting the finishing touches on our death van. Today is the unveiling!
- Three, two, one! Oh, my God!
- Do you love it? Oh! You’re a maniac.
- Thank you. Thank you. Gun manufacturers are masters of disguise
when it comes to hiding how dangerous their weapons really are. So I had Mehdi channel
the Remingtons and the Glocks for the final modifications. They add gadgets like lasers
to create the illusion that this death trap is a video game or a toy.
- Instead of an air bag. So we added bubbles. Or they’ll claim that
war-like features are for hunting. Why?
- Why not? Or they try to emasculate those fragile men
who are drawn to guns. - Well now you know when you’re a little
b**** or when you’re a bad b****. At what point does it go to bad b****?
- Like 80 miles an hour. Then those same gun manufacturers push bull****
sayings to make them feel like heros. - If there’s ever a bad guy with a car,
you’re there. Or they try to inspire rage. Hey! It’s me!
They’ll do anything to distract from the fact that this machine has one true purpose:
to kill. You’ve built something incredible here.
- Thank you. Can I ask, is this driveable?
- I don’t recommend it, but it drives. Let’s go! But this is my God-given right,
so I'm suiting up… and letting Mehdi risk his life for my show. Good luck! I think if
anyone saw this deregulated and unregistered death on wheels whipping around the highway,
throwing sparks and smoke and blowing bubbles, we’d all say get that thing off the road!
Let me ask you a couple questions about it. - Sure.
Would you use it to protect your family? - No.
Should a teacher have this in their classroom? - No.
But what if you were scared of other people? Should you just have this, like, on you? No.
- No. I feel like there’s almost no application
for this vehicle. - No, I think we should say bye to it.
I think we should banish it to hell. And that’s what we did. We destroyed the van. When something
can so easily kill, we make common sense changes to ensure everyone's safety. Even though now,
I have no way of getting home.