>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND.
GIVE IT UP. FANTASTIC.
SO NICE TO BE BACK. >> Louis: IT'S SO NICE.
>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, I WAS LIKE, "HOW DO YOU DO THE SHOWS
AGAIN?" THESE SHOWS.
TAKES A LOT OF ENERGY TO DO THE SHOWS.
I ALSO WANT TO SAY HELLO TO ENDEA OWENS.
SHE IS ON THE BASS. COULDN'T BE HERE LAST NIGHT.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN YOU FOUND OUT THE STRIKE WAS OVER?
>> I WAS IN THE HEART OF AUSTRALIA.
[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: DID YOU LOOK AT A
MAP AND GO "I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT."
>> YEAH. I WAS LIKE, 24 HOURS.
23 HOURS. [BLEEP]
>> Stephen: WELCOME. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
IF YOU ALL DIDN'T CATCH THE SHOW LAST NIGHT, MR. LOUIS CATO LAST
NIGHT WAS HERE PERFORMING. CHECK IT OUT, Y'ALL.
IT'S OUT THERE. GO CHECK IT OUT.
ALSO JUST A FEW MINUTES, JOHN OLIVER IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE.
[CHEERING] >> Louis: SIR JOHN.
>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE YOU KNEW I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT.
FOLKS, I SPENT MOST OF THE STRIKE PUTTERING AROUND THE
HOUSE, HOSTING A PODCAST WITH FOUR OF MY CLOSEST TV FRIENDS,
TRYING MY HAND AT TAPDANCING. AND GAZING OUT THE WINDOW
AT THE BIRDS WHO CONTINUE TO SING EVERY DAY
AT THE APPOINTED HOUR TO WHICH THEY'VE BECOME ACCUSTOMED,
YEARNING TO JOIN THEM. BUT LAST WEEK, THE EARTH
MOVED, THE CLOUDS ARE PARTED, THE WINDOW WAS CAST OPEN AND I
WAS UNSHACKLED FROM THE EARTHLY BONDS TO SPREAD MY WINGS ONCE
AGAIN, PERCH ON THE LOFTY BRANCH OF LATE NIGHT AND SING TO THE
HEAVENS A HYMN OF PRAISE THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
>> "MEANWHILE!" >> Stephen: NOW...
NOW, WHILE WE WERE OFF, SOME PRETTY CHOICE
MINOR NEWS NUGGS SLIPPED BY, AND I'D LIKE TO COVER THEM
IN MY BRAND NEW, HOPEFULLY NEVER-TO-BE-USED-AGAIN MEANWHILE
SUBSEGMENT, THENWHILE. THENWHILE, DURING OUR ABSENCE,
A FUNERAL HOME THAT'S FOR SALE IN MASSACHUSETTS GOT ATTENTION
FOR A SIGN POSTED OUTSIDE THE PROPERTY STATING IT
IS "PROBABLY HAUNTED." NOT GREAT, BUT BETTER THAN
THE SIGNS POSTED ON THEIR CASKETS,
"HOPEFULLY DEAD." I KNOW.
DARK STORY. THENWHILE, BACK IN SEPTEMBER,
"A DELTA FLIGHT FROM ATLANTA TO BARCELONA WAS FORCED TO
TURN BACK WHEN A PASSENGER SPRAYED DIARRHEA EVERYWHERE
ABOARD." OR AS THEY CALL IT AT
SPIRIT, BUSINESS CLASS. [APPLAUSE]
I AWAIT YOUR LETTERS, SPIRIT AIRLINES.
WHAT MADE EVERYTHING WORSE WAS THAT DELTA'S
"FLIGHT ATTENDANTS HAD NO MEANS TO CLEAN THE MESS, SUCH AS
HAZMAT OR PPE SUITS." IT'S THE BASIS OF THE NEW MOVIE:
"ACTUALLY, I WOULD PREFER SNAKES ON THIS PLANE."
THE FLIGHT -- [APPLAUSE]
THE FLIGHT WAS RESCHEDULED AND THE PASSENGER EVEN MADE
A FULL RECOVERY AND WAS "ALLOWED TO REBOARD."
BUT THE PASSENGER HAD TO PROMISE TO NEVER AGAIN EAT AT
THE AIRPORT SALMONELLABON. THENWHILE, BACK IN AUGUST,
DURING THE SUMMER WORLD UNIVERSITY GAMES IN CHINA,
A "SOMALI SPORTS OFFICIAL WAS SUSPENDED FOR NEPOTISM AFTER
A PAINFULLY SLOW ATHLETE FINISHED LAST IN A 100-METER
RACE," AND THE RUNNER IS SPECULATED TO BE THE OFFICIAL'S
"ALLEGED NIECE." "ALLEGED NIECE" BY THE WAY,
IS THE LEAST INTERESTING SEGMENT ON "MAURY."
"YOU ARE THE UNCLE!" "ALL RIGHT."
WELL, "PAINFULLY SLOW" IS PRETTY HARSH.
LET'S JUST PLAY THE TAPE AND SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT WHICH PERSON
HAS NEVER BEEN IN A RACE BEFORE.
I JUST LOVE THAT LITTLE SKIP AT THE END.
"AND THAT WAS FUN!" I JUST WANNA SAY, YOU GO, GIRL.
GO FASTER THAN THAT, BUT YOU STILL GO.
I WOULD LIKE TO RACE HER. DO YOU THINK I COULD TAKE HER IN
A RACE? I WILL RAISE HER FOR CHARITY.
WE'LL GET THE MONEY. WE'LL GET THE CHARITY MONEY FROM
SOMEWHERE, MAYBE HER SPONSORS WHICH ARE CLEARLY BAKED POTATOES
AND AMBIEN. REALLY?
YOU FEEL SORRY FOR HER? YOU ARE MUCH NICER THAN I AM.
THENWHILE, IN ANIMAL NEWS, A PENNSYLVANIAN TORTOISE ESCAPED
A VET CLINIC "FOR THE THIRD TIME."
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE TORTOISE
ESCAPING. [APPLAUSE]
OH, YOU GO AWWW TO ME BUT THEN YOU LAUGH AT HER AGAIN.
WHO'S THE BAD GUY NOW? STILL ME.
THENWHILE, WHILE WE WERE OUT, KRAFT RECALLED FAULTY AMERICAN
CHEESE SINGLES AFTER A MALFUNCTIONING WRAPPING
MACHINE LEFT A THIN STRIP OF PLASTIC FILM ON SOME KRAFT
SINGLES. WHICH IS, OF COURSE,
A CHOKING HAZARD... WITH A THIN STRIP OF PLASTIC
FILM ON IT. I KNOW.
THENWHILE, YVES SAN LAURENT HAS A NEW FRAGRANCE
POUR HOMME CALLED "MYSLIFF."
HOW VAIN IS THAT? THE WHOLE POINT OF COLOGNE
IS THAT I DON'T WANT TO SMELL LIKE "MYSLIFF."
BUT LISTEN, IF THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE ARE BUYING, I'M PROUD TO
INTRODUCE THE NEW FRAGRANCE, MY OWN FRTS.
EAU DE WHAT I LEFT IN THE TOILETTE.
I'M SURE AUSTIN BUTLER WON'T MIND THAT WE USED HIS PHOTO.
THENWHILE, BACK IN MAY, OSCAR MEYER TEMPORARILY RENAMED
THE WIENERMOBILE THE FRANKMOBILE
TO CELEBRATE ITS TASTY NEW RECIPE.
NEW RECIPE? YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE RECIPE.
I HOPE THEY DIDN'T CHANGE THE HOT DOG'S ORIGINAL
INGREDIENTS OF "WHO'S ASKING? YOU CAN'T LEGALLY
[BLEEP] WAIT A SECOND.
LOOK. NORMALLY WE WOULD GO BACK AND I
WOULD READ THAT LINE CORRECTLY. IN ORDER TO FINISH THE JOKE.
BUT I REFUSE TO GO BACK AND REREAD A LINE WHOSE LAST WORDS
ARE "NIPPLE MEAT!"
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN OLIVER!