Alright, guys
You're a great crowd and I know
We haven’t done this before,
but I saw a really funny comedian the other night,
and I asked her to come be on the show for you guys.
I think you’ll like her.
Please welcome Lara Beitz.
(applause and cheering)
All right. Hell, yeah.
Got some hotties with some bodies
in the house tonight.
Hell yeah.
Looking good, like what I see.
I moved here from the Midwest,
so now every guy I see is the hottest guy I ever saw.
(laughter)
In my whole entire life.
Jesus Christ, holy shit.
(laughter)
I’ve been dating ’em, too. I’ve been getting in there.
(laughter)
I was being boyfriend, girlfriend with this one guy,
and that relationship lasted for two sexes.
(laughter)
And then I fell in love with him.
(laughter)
And he didn’t fall in love with me.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
Yeah, I don’t recommend that at all.
(laughter)
We were breaking up. I was just like,
"So, what do you want?"
And he said, "I just want to be left alone."
(laughter)
I was like, "So if I leave you alone,
can we still be boyfriend, girlfriend?"
(laughter)
"No? Okay, perfect.
"No, I mean, I drank your cum,
but I guess that doesn’t count for jack shit in this town."
(cheering and applause)
fucking unbelievable.
(laughter)
So I am back out there again.
Not that I fucking feel like it, but I am dating again.
(laughter, cheering and applause)
I’m an aggressive dater.
I’m not fucking around no more.
(laughter, cheering and applause)
I want a husband and a baby.
And if you don’t want to give me that shit,
stay the fuck out of my way.
Yeah!
-(cheering and applause) -Yeah!
Yeah, I mean that.
Every guy here is like,
"Ooh, I’m just looking for something casual."
Yeah, I bet you are, you little bitch.
(laughter)
Well, I’m fucking not.
I’m looking for something formal.
I want someone to rent a tux and marry me.
(laughter and applause)
I’m gonna give up.
I can’t take this shit no more. I’m gonna quit.
I’m just gonna go to the sperm bank. fuck it.
(laughter)
Not even to have a baby.
Just, I’ll drink the cum
(laughter and applause)
Is that what you want?
(cheering and applause)
Are you happy?
It’s just a different path to the same thing, anyway.
(laughter)
No, it is. That is true.
That is...
They don’t tell you that, but that is true.
If all the dates go good,
he’s gonna want you to drink the cum
Yeah. Not me. Not anymore.
Drink your own cum, you fucking asshole.
(laughter)
-Yeah. -(cheering and applause)
I’ll drink my cum I bought at the bank.
(laughter)
And then we don’t have to talk
about what kind of music you like,
’cause I don’t give a shit. How’s that sound?
(laughter)
Sometimes on dates, guys will ask me
why I think I’m still single, which...
That’s a trap. Don’t answer that.
(laughter)
I’m just like, "Honestly,
most guys find my pussy too tight."
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
"So that’s why."
(laughter)
Which is not true.
(laughter)
I don’t know, I think I got a regular one.
(laughter)
Maybe it’s tight. I feel like if it was, though,
it would have come up in conversation by now, though.
(laughter)
One time, a guy did say it was tight.
I was like, "Really?"
And he laughed so hard, his dick went soft.
So, probably not the tightest one of all time.
I do know I have a wide cervix,
’cause my doctor told me that, not that I fucking asked.
She was doing the exam. She was like,
"Oh, have you ever been pregnant?"
I was like, "No."
She was like, "Oh, okay.
I just asked ’cause you have a wide cervix."
I was like, "I wasn’t gonna ask you why you asked me that.
"I thought you asked everyone the same questions.
I didn’t think you were just asking me personally
’cause of how big my shit is."
And then, a different time,
a guy was giving me a professional massage.
He was like, "Oh, you have broad shoulders."
I was like, "You should see my cervix."
Thank you, guys! I’m Lara Beitz!