I'm 35 and I'm single,
so all my married friends
were a little jealous
right I can date,
10 years younger, 10 years older.
25 year olds
just getting out of college.
45 year olds,
just getting out of marriage.
(audience laughing)
Everybody's got their issues.
Any single ladies in their
twenties here tonight?
(audience laughing)
Welcome to Provo, Utah!
(audience cheers)
Let me tell you in LA
they are expensive
and want me to pay for everything.
The Uber, the meal, their rent.
(audience laughing)
Anybody can buy me a salad.
I need something to pay my utilities.
(audience laughing)
35 year olds.
They don't let me pay for anything.
I took out a woman
my own age last week,
reach for the bill, she gives me a look
like I set back
the woman's movement,
a hundred years.
(audience laughing)
"Excuse me,
"but how am I supposed
"to be independently bitter
(audience laughing)
"with you being all nice
"and paying for stuff?
"Don't think I fell for that trick
"when you open the door for me.
(audience laughing)
"Now, if you'll excuse me,
"I'll be over there waiting
"for my Prince Eric."
You know, from The Little Mermaid.
Yeah, that's the problem
with women my age.
They were raised
on The Little Mermaid.
I hate that movie.
(audience laughing)
I think Ariel should have
ended up with Flounder.
(audience laughing)
Well, think about it.
They got more in common.
He's funny.
He's loyal.
A little round.
(audience laughing)
A little pale.
He's got a beard,
glasses.
He's filming his comedy
special tonight in Provo.
(audience applauding)
Thank you.
(audience cheers)
Guys like you and me get it.
(audience laughing)
Oh man.
I don't know why I'm so single.
I think one of the reasons is,
well, let me tell you this.
I got people in my life trying to figure
out why I'm single more than I am.
All right.
I had a lady at church
come up to me the other day
and she's like, "Paul,
"notice you don't bring a lot of
"ladies to the service."
Notice that was on your business.
(audience laughing)
"Did you ever think that
"maybe God doesn't trust you
"with His special little creatures?"
(audience laughing)
Maybe God doesn't trust you with
His special little creatures?
I'm not trying to date a squirrel!
(audience laughing)
I'm not on Christian Mingle
looking for raccoons.
(audience laughing)
My friend, Marissa, the other day,
she's just looking at me.
She goes, "I don't understand
"why you're single.
"You're not bad looking."
(audience laughing)
That's not a compliment.
Sounds like a swipe at my personality
and she said it in such a way
like in the way that
I defend eating at McDonald's.
You know, like, well, it's not not food.
(audience laughing)
It's cooked
somewhere in the country.
(audience laughing)
I got in trouble for eating
McDonald's the other day.
I was at the lounge at work
and I'm eating an egg McMuffin
and the lady walks and she goes,
"Paul, what are you eating?
"An egg McMuffin.
"That's disgusting.
"You need to make better
"breakfast choices, Paul."
She walked away.
A couple of days later.
"Paul, are you making
"better breakfast choices?"
Yes, today I had some eggs,
an English muffin,
a little ham.
"Aren't you . . ."
It's the same thing.
(audience laughing)
That's what an egg McMuffin is.
It's the ham.
It's the egg.
It's the stupid, muffin.
Just spread out
and then that's when I realized
that the egg McMuffin's
kind of like a metaphor
for my life with women.
Oh, they say they want
the egg, the ham and the muffin.
They just don't want it
all squished together
in poor packaging.
(audience applauding)