The NFL has announced that for the first time ever,
the league will schedule a game on the day
after Thanksgiving, a.k.a.
Black Friday. [laughter]
Yeah.
And I'm surprised that they're doing this because I thought
that the NFL would be busy on Black Friday,
scouting Walmart for new talent, you know?
[laughter]
If that grandma would just tackle that kid.
let's get her a two-year deal.
Also, I love how the league made this big announcement
like it's a genius idea.
Wow, football on a Friday.
Yeah, it's football. Put it on any day.
It works.
It's football.
It's like, ooh, sex on a Tuesday, yeah, brilliant idea.
It's good whenever.
Don't overthink it.
In money news, the US Mint is about to release new quarters
featuring 1930s actress Anna May
Wong, the first Asian-American to ever
appear on American currency.
Yeah.
[cheering and applause]
Which-- which is great news for representation
and great news for bad tippers.
It's going to be like, you only tipped me a quarter?
It's like, wow, OK.
I didn't know I was dealing with a racist.
[laughter]
Which quarter?
In international news, British Prime Minister Liz Truss
is now officially the lowest polling prime minister
in British history and is now in danger of losing
her job after only six weeks.
Yeah.
When asked for comments, she said, any woman
can break the glass ceiling.
I'm proud to have shattered the glass floor.
[laughter]
All right, let's move on to some of the biggest stories
of the day, starting with the Girl
Scouts of the USA, the Sinaloa Cartel of baked goods.
After years of struggling with falling membership and sinking
revenues, one Girl Scout has stepped in
with the ultimate good deed.
The Girl Scouts of the USA just
received their largest donation ever by a single person.
Billionaire philanthropist Mackenzie Scott
just donated $84.5 million to the organization.
The Girl Scouts leadership says that the money will
help them recover from the pandemic,
which drove down membership.
Scott has donated some $12 billion
to charities since 2019.
Wow.
Thanks to Mackenzie Scott, the Girl Scouts
are now balling out of control, which is great.
It really is great.
Because the Girl Scouts do an amazing job of training
a new generation of leaders, providing a community.
Although, I will say they've got
to be careful because this kind of money
could easily change your vibe.
Yeah, this year, they're earning badges for computer
coding and rock climbing.
Next year, it's going to be badges for Cristal
popping and tax evasion.
This will be like, Meredith, for discovering
that the Cayman Islands are superior to Panama,
we award you this.
Obviously, I'm joking. I'm joking.
All right?
The girls are still going to be selling cookies.
They're just going to be doing it out
of the back of a Bentley now.
[laughter]
Just like, buy them or not.
We don't carry either way, you broke ass bitch!
[laughter and applause]
And as for Mackenzie Scott, how can
you not love this woman, huh?
Because she's exposing what billionaires don't want you
to realize, that billionaires are always like,
if you raise my taxes even a little bit,
how will I have the money to feed
all of my private jets, huh?
But think about it.
Mackenzie Scott has only been a billionaire for three years,
and she's already given away $10 billion,
more than her ex Jeff Bezos has given away
his entire life, his entire life.
[cheering and applause]
And get this.
She's still a billionaire.
Don't forget that.
Yeah, it just goes to show how much good you can do when
your main priority isn't going to space
in a giant metal penis.
There are things you can do.
[laughter and applause]
Anyway, let's move on.
Let's move on to some big sports news.
For decades, boxing dominated the world of prizefighting.
Then MMA came along with a roundhouse kick
and became a worldwide phenomenon.
And now we might be witnessing the birth of a new era.
Slap fighting, it's become a viral sensation
over the past few years.
And now UFC President Dana White is starting a league.
He got approval yesterday for it
to be a licensed athletic competition in Nevada.
His power slap league will be regulated by the Nevada
State Athletic Commission.
And as you can guess, slap fighting
features to competitors across from one
another throwing slaps with open hands
to each other's faces.
Ah, the sport has been around for several years,
but never regulated until now.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
Slapping is about to become an official sport.
And those big dudes might be the champs for now,
but it's only a matter of time before the sport
is dominated by immigrant moms-- feet on the couch!
Feet on the couch!
Aah!
Ah.
[laughter and applause]
And I don't know about you.
I don't know about you, but I am
excited to see how the Nevada Athletic
Commission plans to regulate the rules of the sport.
Are you allowed to flinch?
Can I use my moves from school?
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
Is Will Smith the reigning champ?
Is that how it works?
[laughter and applause]
You know what I would propose,
I would propose to make the sport more exciting?
You know how in wrestling, they trash
talk to get people going?
And then in boxing, they do the weigh in, where they challenge
each other and say things.
What they should do for slap fighting
is they should have each fight to say
something first that warrants them getting slapped.
Just like, I never liked your mother's cooking.
Oh.
Bop!
And by the way, by the way, I like
that there are more and more sports that
divorced men can excel at--
getting slapped, eating 100 hot dogs.
You realize we're basically two weeks away from there being
a sport that's just sleeping on your friend's pullout
couch, right?
It's just four days, and he's still on the couch, people.
This is why he's the GOAT.
Can you see this?
And before, you were one of those people who's like,
"you know, this is a bizarre idea for a sport.
Is it really a sport?"
Every sport sounds ridiculous when you first
hear about it, all right?
I mean, it's not a real sport.
Every sport is not a real sport.
Pick any sport, any sport, like NASCAR, huh?
Imagine that first conversation.
"So we're all going to drive really fast in a big circle?"
[laughter]
Yeah.
But what if I lose control and crash into the wall?
Well, that's what we're all hoping for.
[laughter]
All right, and finally, everyone
knows that the internet has made
shopping easier than ever.
You know, sometimes I get packages
without even ordering.
Yeah.
I mean, sure, they accidentally put the boxes on my neighbor's
stoop, but hey, it's free. I can't complain.
But this year, this year, it looks
like online shopping will be a little less easy than before.
Well, as holiday shopping season approaches,
you might need to find something a little bit
different this year.
Returning gifts may not be so easy or cheap anymore.
Buyers beware.
Free returns may soon be a thing of the past.
The cost of returns is becoming
so astronomical for retailers.
Right now, they have no choice but to pass
that cost on to the consumer.
NEWS REPORTER: One reason for the new return fees
is an increase in what's called bracketing.
That's when a consumer buys the same clothes
in several different sizes and colors with plans
to return what they no longer want.
The National Retail Federation reports $218 billion
worth of online purchases were returned in 2021.
That is more than double the amount in 2020.
As a result, some major retailers
are now adjusting their return policies,
including H&M, which is now testing a return
fee in certain places.
No.
No, no, no, no.
AUDIENCE: No.
No.
How are you going to charge people for returns?
If I want to make a rash decision on a whim
and then change my mind, I shouldn't
have to pay a price for it.
That's the whole point of America, huh?
[cheering and applause]
That's what this great nation is about.
You can make decisions.
I think I'd look good in this jacket.
You know what? Never mind.
I think I'd look good in Iraq.
You know what?
Never mind.
And you know who I blame for this?
I blame the Democrats.
Yeah.
They should have codified the right to free returns
when they had a supermajority.
You could have done it, Nancy.
[cheering and applause]
I don't want to lose free internet returns.
Because you realize what that means.
That means you're going to have to go back to the old way.
Now, you remember the old way, where if you wanted to return
a shirt, you'd have to drive all the way to the store,
and to wait in line, and then to look the cashier in the eye
and try to convince them that the shirt was already
burnt when you bought it.
[laughter]
Balenciaga made it like this.
Actually, you know what?
I blame the clothing stores for all these returns,
in the first place. WOMAN: Yup, yeah.
Yeah.
We wouldn't be forced to order all these different sizes
if each clothing store didn't choose to have
their own sizing system.
[cheering and applause]
In some stores, oh, you're a medium.
Then you go to another store. Now you're a 6.
Then in some stores, they're like, if you're
usually a medium, you probably want to go with a large.
Then just call it a large!
Our sizes run small.
Then why don't you make that a medium?
What are you doing?
Can you imagine if I owned a pizza store,
and you order a large pie, and then
I came out with one slice.
And I was like, oh yeah, I forgot to tell you,
our pie is run small.
[laughter and applause]
I bet you now that conversation would
end with a championship slap fight, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
All right, that's it for the headlines.
But before we go to break, let's
check in on traffic with our very
own Roy Wood, Jr., everybody.
[cheering and applause]
Come on, cow, come on, come on, come on.
Get out of there.
Get out of there, cow.
Get out of there, cow. Get!
Dip. Dip.
There you go. There you go, cow.
Get up out of that.
Get up out of that, boy.
Get up out of that, roughing up folks.
There you go. There you go.
Dip, dog, yeah.
Roy, what-- what are you doing?
Oh, there's the traffic.
It was-- that's some of the traffic that was happening.
No, no, no.
TREVOR NOAH: I feel like you're watching a cow.
Is that cow being chased by the cops?
What's happening there?
I don't know, but I'm rooting for him.
[laughter]
He be running, but we'll do-- we'll
do the rest of your traffic.
But before I get to the rest of the traffic,
man, let's just talk a little bit about this whole giving
the money to the Girl Scouts.
It's an amazing story, right?
Mackenzie-- that $86 million.
Yes, it's good to give away $86 million.
But to the Girl Scouts?
I've-- they've been making money pimping them cookies.
They're good.
[laughter]
You need to get the money to the Boy Scouts.
The Boy Scouts the one need the money.
They've been selling popcorn for decades,
and they still broke.
They broke.
The Boy Scouts need some money.
They need some money for R&D, do the research,
some new shit to sell.
I bet they can make some money.
The Boy Scouts, they need to start
selling them e-cigarettes.
That'll make them money.
Oh, or-- or if the Boy Scouts sold e-cigs
in Girl Scout cookie flavors--
[audience groans]
Bitch.
A Do-Si-Do flavored JUUL?
Come on, dawg.
Everybody love a thin mint.
If you could smoke a thin mint, you telling me
you wouldn't smoke a thin mint?
[laughter]
But that's cool.
That's cool.
Mackenzie-- Mackenzie Scott want to give
the money to the Girl Scouts. That's cool.
They'll be giving money to all the little individual troops,
millions of dollars. That's the new lick.
I started me a Girl Scout troop.
TREVOR NOAH: Do you mean, like, you have one?
Yeah, she going to give them boys some more money,
and I'm going to be right there ready.
I'm going to be registering.
I did the paperwork all right.
Let me talk to her real quick.
Just to camera right there.
Madam Mackenzie, how you doing?
I'm Roy Wood, Jr., Girl Scout Troop Leader 6235J9.
[laughter]
Now, my Venmo-- my Venmo is supposed
to be up here, if you see me.
They'll add it later. I guess they didn't post it.
TREVOR NOAH: No, we're not going to add it.
Roy, just do the traffic, please.
Stop asking-- - OK, OK.
TREVOR NOAH: --MacKenzie Scott for money on the show.
I'm going to do-- I'm going to do the traffic.
You know what, man?
Also, shout out to Anna May Wong.
Shout out to Anna May Wong, man.
There's an--
[cheering and applause]
--Asian on the money.
Asia's on the money, right?
It's an Asian on the money, which is cool.
That's a nice place to start.
But why would you put them on a quarter?
Put them on $1 bill.
Put somebody on $1 bill.
Let's be real.
Let's be real about this shit.
When the last time you used a quarter?
Soda machine? Payphone?
Only time people use the quarter is a laundromat
and the strip club. Everybody know that.
That's when you-- [laughter]
This should be easy.
No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I get the laundry. Why would you use--
Don't ask me none about that on TV.
What I'm saying is, good for Anna May Wong
because finally, we got some more minority
representation on American money
just in time for Apple Pay.
[laughter]
- I see what you did there. - Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, speaking of money, speaking of money, also,
this whole return fee nonsense for the clothes
and all of that.
TREVOR NOAH: The shipping thing, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't think people should be having
to pay these return fees-- TREVOR NOAH: Thank you, Roy.
--to take something back.
Them fees add up.
I've been returning clothes for years.
That's everything I perform in TV.
That should go right back.
[laughter]
Look, I'm not even lying to you right now.
Like, '02, '03, '04, bro', I was starving, dawg.
I would do Conan.
Every time I did Conan O'Brien, I would take that
shit right back to Macy's.
And it was perfect. It was perfect.
It's perfect, too.
Because, like, in LA, you could go to Macy's at 10:00
in the morning and get your outfit for Conan.
Conan rehearse at 2:00.
They shoot at 5:00.
You're done by 6:00.
You're back in Macy's by 7:30, return your shit, then--
[cheering and applause]
--you at the house, watching yourself
perform in the clothes you don't even own no more.
That's the move, man.
Because also, these return fees add up.
And I don't think we understand, like, how unfair
it is to charge somebody money to get
back some of their money.
You can't do that to people.
Circuit City, Circuit City used to do that shit to me
back in the day with cameras, back
in the day with Circuit City.
Because, like, I would buy a camera for $50.
I'd keep it for a couple of days,
use it for a couple of shows.
And then you go back, and they want a $50 restocking
fee, which I didn't have, because two of the shows
canceled. So now I'm broke.
So now I got to go out and donate plasma four days
in a row just to make back the food, which is illegal,
by the way.
You're only supposed to donate plasma twice a week.
Supposed to take a day off in between, drink fluids.
But I had time for that shit because I
had to pay the restocking fee.
So I would do all of that just to get
the $50 to return the camera.
Roy, Roy, Roy--
[laughter and applause]
- You never-- - Wait.
They sold their body for money.
They understand what I'm talking about.
Why did you need a camera for so badly
that you were willing to do all of that?
I had to make the audition tape to get on Conan O'Brien.
Oh, OK.
That seems dead-- are you healthy now?
Does that affect you?
No, man, I feel pretty good for the most part.
TREVOR NOAH: All right, well, let's get to the traffic then.
OK, I mean, I would get to the traffic.
But I'm going to be honest with you, dawg.
I got to get to Macy's right quick.
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
I got to get--
I got to get up to 57th Street.
Roy Wood, Jr., everybody.