You guys ever been to a sex shop?
Let me rephrase that,
make it more comfortable for everybody.
Who here hasn't been to a sex shop?
Oh, that's what I thought!
Where were you on the first question?
Just filling out half the application tonight?
Don't put our address. Don't put our address.
See what they say.
We all know the deal on the sex shop. We get it.
It's awkward.
No one will look at each other.
Everybody's just eyes down, you try to stand close
to whatever it is you're looking at.
What is that?
What the hell is that?
You feel like your dead relatives are shopping with you.
It's awkward, it's awkward.
We know what's in there, though.
You guys get it: costumes, toys, lubrications...
videos.
I was standing in a sex shop,
I was looking at the toys,
just looking at the fake ass.
You know what I'm talking about?
You know, and even if you don't know what I'm talking about,
you kind of know exactly what I'm talking about.
You know what I'm talking about.
It's just an ass. Just a vagina and an anus.
That's all it is. We know the deal.
Stared at it for five minutes,
sizing it up.
At the end of five minutes, I was, like, "You know what?
"Yes, I would have sex with that.
Yes, I would. I would."
No one's ever gonna know if I did or not?
Then yes, of course. I was gonna masturbate anyways.
Let's get some music in there, you know what I mean?
Hey, you going down to the field?
Why don't you take the equipment with you?
Have the closest thing you can get to a sex scrimmage.
Guys, don't know when they're gonna masturbate.
We don't know when we're gonna do it.
It just happens. You'll be home, no one's there.
"Hey, is anybody here?
"Ah, okay. Meh. Mah.
All right."
All guys do that before they decide
they're gonna masturbate?
Mah, meh, meh, meh, mah! Now I have to, now I have to.
Can't do this for my whole life.
Meh-mah-meh-meh- meh-mah-meh-meh-meh!
Oh, I got to jerk off!
That's how it is. We don't know when we're gonna do it.
We just do it.
You buy that fake ass,
you got to start putting a schedule together.
Like, you got to know what Tuesday looks like on Sunday,
you know what I mean?
"Hey, what time are you gonna be home from work again?
"For sure?
"For sure, 4:30? For sure?
It doesn't matter why I'm asking!"
You got to factor in how long it's gonna take
to climb into the attic where you've hidden it...
behind the early Christmas purchases.
Oh, there you are. Come on.
I'm ready with excuses.
Like, if somebody walks in--
not somebody-- my girlfriend.
Not just somebody.
If just somebody walked in, that's on me.
You know what I mean? That's on me.
If just somebody walked in,
I made bad choices well before this moment
if just somebody walked in.
I deserve it. I deserve that.
Just anybody?
Oh, hey, sorry. Oh.
Girlfriend. If my girlfriend walks in,
I'm ready to go.
"Oh, my God, what are you doing?!
"I don't know, practicing?
"I love you, okay? Turns out I love you.
"I want to be better at this for you, okay?
"I'm tired of being the only one that gets off, you know?
"I hate that.
"And you know what? You could help out, too, okay?
"You could get rid of your legs
"and you could cut off that torso
"because this, I could work with, okay?
"I can play the angles in there! I'm good in there!
"And I know someone who doesn't cry
when I try to put it in the B-U-T-T! Okay?"