What I’ve learned In Germany about happiness?
Here’s what I’m thinking, let me know down in the comments what you’re thinking.
Hey everyone, Dana here.
Just a quick note, I am not a healthcare professional.
I’m just someone trying to figure out the sometimes messy, sometimes confusing business
of feelings and emotions, and I thought that I would share my, kind of, you know, my journey
on what I’ve been working on and what I’ve learned and how I see things having grown
up in the U.S. and now living here in Germany.
But, you know, in the end, I might not know what I’m talking about on this topic more
than the next person does.
So I just wanted to say if you’re struggling and you need assistance, please seek help
from a professional.
As someone who has sought help when I’ve needed it, there’s no shame in seeking out
and getting help from a professional.
But yeah, I just wanted to put that out there. I'm not a healthcare professional.
These are just some of my thoughts on the topic of feeling and emotions.
Growing up in the U.S. I internalized the message that it’s very important to be happy.
Or if you’re not happy, that it’s important to do what you can to strive to be happy again
as soon as possible.
I’m not sure if this is the exact same lesson or a similar lesson to what other Americans have learned.
I get the feeling that it is, but please let me know down in the comments what your experience
has been with this.
But yeah, for me, growing up in the U.S. the message that I internalized from, you know,
the society around me was that yeah, okay, if something bad happens, like if someone
close to you dies or you and your partner break up or a family member gets really sick, etc.,
then it’s understandable and excusable to be not happy for a limited amount of time.
But you better be working toward getting back to that happiness state, you better be actively
working toward getting back to happiness.
And if nothing “bad” happened, if you’re just feeling sad or feeling down for
“no reason” or for something that's not considered a “big deal,” like if you’re feeling
sad or down for something “little,” then that’s something you’ve chosen to feel.
And that you’re actually kind of irresponsible for doing so.
That’s the message that I internalized growing up in the society in the U.S.
That happiness is the baseline or that happiness should be the baseline.
That happiness is the basic standard emotion that the body should return to or automatically
swing back to if there’s nothing actively moving it to some other “bad” emotion
such as sadness, for example.
That it’s what our minds and bodies should return to at equilibrium. Happiness.
I went through many years of my life having no idea how strongly and deeply I had internalized this message.
For many years, for most years of my life, actually, yeah, I don't think I realized how
much this was affecting me and that if I was feeling sad or feeling down when nothing,
you know, “really bad” had happened, if I was just not feeling happy for whatever
reason, I had subconsciously or I think also maybe sometimes consciously internalized inside
of me this belief that that feeling was my choice.
And not only was it my choice not to feel happy but, as I mentioned, that it was an irresponsible
choice to do so.
That feeling anything other than happy, feeling sad or feeling down or feeling frustrated,
for example, was bad, and it was to be avoided if nothing, you know, “bad” had befallen me.
And this lead to me spending many years of my life I think not even realizing how strongly
I was shunning any “bad” feelings.
And how much effort, I think, unconsciously and also sometimes consciously, I was employing
to push them away or to avoid them.
And how much it really bothered me if I couldn’t.
Sad was bad. Angry was bad. Frustrated was bad.
They didn’t feel good like happy did.
I didn’t like them.
They were to be tolerated at best but as I said, often I tried to avoid them or actively
push them away, make the amount of time that I needed to spend with them as short as possible.
And yeah, okay, I mean some of this might just be a me thing, but from growing up in
the U.S., from looking at the huge, huge section of self-help books geared toward being happy
at the bookstores in the U.S., from the conversations that I have had with other Americans,
the conversations I've had with other people here in Germany, from the articles that I’ve
read over the years, I’ll link to some articles down in the description box below, I get the
feeling that it’s not just a me thing.
I think it’s got a lot to do with the fact that I grew up in the U.S.
And for most of my life I didn’t realize this was the way that I was living.
It was just the way life was and I think I just kind of assumed it was how things were
all over the world.
Then I moved to Germany.
Now, obviously, I didn’t grow up in Germany, so I don’t know what growing up here is
like, what kind of messages about sadness and happiness and feelings people might learn
from childhood on here in Germany.
I haven’t experienced that for myself.
But from what I have seen, what I've experienced since moving here, the articles that I have
read, the people I've talked to, the lack of a million and one here’s the ultimate
ultimate ultimate guide to happiness books at the bookstores in Germany, in general it
seems like the society here doesn't push the whole chasing happiness thing and hold it
up as the end all be all goal of emotional success.
Living in Germany I’ve learned to adjust my views on the importance of being happy.
And I think I've...I’ve learned to see happiness as one potential emotion out there, but not
as, you know, the baseline emotion that the body is expected to return to in the absence
of any other emotion pulling the body or pulling the mind away from that.
And when I say “I’ve learned” I mean that I’m still very much learning this lesson.
This acceptance of feeling, you know, “bad” feelings, feeling feelings that don't always
feel so great and not trying to immediately push them away, not feeling like I’m being
pressured by the society around me that I should be trying to push them away as quickly
as possible is something that I’m still very much working on.
And I think it’s kind of funny because whenever I talk to Germans about this, about that happiness
is not the emotion, that all emotions are valid, and that I don’t need to try to actively
push away or avoid all the emotions that might not feel as comfortable as happy does, I usually
get some version of like: yeah, of course.
So living in Germany I’m learning a lot about emotions and feeling emotions and allowing
emotions to have their space.
But I will say that I’m looking for a comfortable middle place for me to end up when it comes
to all this.
I would say kind of somewhere maybe between Germany and the USA.
Like I don’t love the chase for happiness in the U.S., but in the U.S. we do have lots
and lots of sayings like “finding the silver lining of a situation,” “looking on the
bright side,” “trying to think positively."
And I’ve got to say, I do really appreciate these sentiments, which from my experience
living here in Germany, they don’t seem to be as popular here as they are in the U.S.
Is there a German idioms for "look on the bright side of things"?
Let me know down in the comments.
So while I don’t want to chase happiness anymore, and while I definitely do want to
give my mind and body the space to feel the feelings that I’m experiencing without trying
to push them away, I do still see the benefits of trying to think positively, trying to be
more on the optimistic side, you know, for everyday things if I can, without forcing
that upon me or other people in society.
Like just, if I’m having a bad day because a bunch of kind of little things happened, like
maybe I dropped my breakfast on the ground or I got a stain on my shirt or I forgot my
lunch at home or a mix of those things, if I’m feeling annoyed or frustrated or angry
or sad or whatever because of things like that, I do think it’s helpful to try to
think positively, to try to look on the bright side of life, to remind myself of the good
things that are there.
Not to cover up those “bad” feelings, but I would say kind of just to think realistically
about things, you know?
Not to chase happiness but also not to dwell on the negative.
I can remember when Stefan and I got married, we got married here in Germany and it absolutely
downpour rained during our wedding reception, but it had not been raining the day before
or in the morning when we were doing things outside.
So whenever anyone said like, oh no, it’s raining!
It was just kind of second nature for me to be like, yeah it’s raining now, but at least
it was absolutely beautiful weather yesterday and nice weather this morning when we were
outside! So yeah.
And that’s not to say that I don’t complain.
I do complain, of course.
Sometimes complaining can just be really cathartic and feel so good.
And, yeah, I think complaining has its place too.
But yeah, I guess just trying to find a balance there.
Hopefully there is a balanced middle ground that I can find where it’s okay to accept
feelings and not try to push away “bad” feelings and not expect myself to be happy,
but where I also don’t need to dwell on the negative.
So my question for you is: What are your thoughts on happiness, sadness, the things that I talked
about in this video?
How have you experienced these things, what have your experiences been, and what differences
have you noticed in Germany, the USA, or other countries around the world?
How is sadness, happiness, and feelings treated elsewhere?
Please let me know in the comments below.
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