I was home visiting my parents for a while.
I don't know if anybody feels like this,
but I cannot handle my mom.
She's just too overwhelming.
Like, she-- Everything about her is just too much.
Like, she's always stopping people in public
and trying to have these sort of jazzy moments with people.
Like...
And they're not having the moments with her.
That's what we want her to understand.
She's always wearing some sort of a long,
menopausal cape.
And she just likes to let people know
that she's very culturally aware
and just kinda down with everything culturally.
Her newest thing she's doing is she's decided--
She thinks when we go out to a Latin restaurant
that it's respectful to order in a Spanish accent.
I'm like, "I don't know where you've collected this idea,
"but you're a wild asshole.
Stop doing that."
(bad Spanish accent) She'll be like, "I'll have the taco al carbon."
And then there's actually a dance,
she does some sort of a Latin dance.
We were at this restaurant,
the Mexican waiter hated my mother so much.
He was just glaring at her, like, you awful white bitch.
My mom is this close to his face going,
(high-pitched) "I love Latino culture!"
(high-pitched) She goes, "We had a wonderful trip
recently to Nicaragua."
I was like...
like, "I don't know what that birdcall was,
"but why would the Mexican waiter
"care about your Nicaraguan trip?
Just stop."
(high-pitched) She goes, "We loved the people there.
"We found them so inspiring.
They had these large, brown curious eyes."
"They-- they sit by the side of the road
"in these little clusters.
"Um... these beautiful, young child slaves
"and all you do is give 'em a quarter.
"They'll make anything for you.
"Any marvelous, indigenous piece,
"they just weave it up for you.
My mom hates that joke so much.
My mom hates it, she's always like,
(high-pitched) "Can you please take that one out of your talent show?"
That's what she calls my standup.
My "talent show."
(high-pitched) She goes, "I do not support child slavery
and I'd like it removed from the talent show immediately."
I'm like, yes, you do, you white bitch.
She's just aggressively liberal.
Like, her dream in life
is if I would marry a Nigerian lesbian.
That's all she wants.
She was just praying that one of us was gay.
She was just sitting in the kitchen waiting, just like,
(high-pitched) "There's cocoa if anyone's gay
and wants to talk about it!"
I was a weird kid.
I was just, like, awkward, you know,
like, one of my breasts grew before the other.
I had, like, a starter tit, which is not a hot look
for a girl.
There was this one guy Rob, like, I liked him so much.
And I remember my friend called him on the phone
and I was, like, listening in just...
It was the most important moment of my life.
And she just goes, "What do you give Rachel
on a score from one to ten?"
(lowered) And he goes, "Probably like a four.
You mean the girl with the lazy tit right?"
And then he goes, "There's something gross about her,
but I, like, can't put my finger on it."
Which is so much worse than, like,
she's ugly or, like, she's a dog.
It's like, he's actually trying to get to the bottom
of what's so specifically foul about me.
He's on some sort of a personal contemplative journey
to figure it out.
I was devastated.
And then, um,
I went up to this other guy at my school,
um, and I was like really upset.
And I'm like, "Andre, I don't know if you heard,
"like, Rob say, like, a lazy tit, so that means
he definitely doesn't like me?
Is that--"
And he goes--
He got real serious, I'll never forget this moment.
He just looks at me and he goes, (lowered) "Don't worry,
nothing in life matters but the ass, that's it."
He talked like Shaq for some reason.
I was like, "Really? Okay." And then he goes,
(lowered) "Little boys think that tits matter,
but adult men know that ass matters, that's all."
I'm like, "But you're 14.
You're not an adult."
(lowered) He goes, "I want the kind of ass, you know,
"you just gotta wrangle with.
"I want the kind of ass that's unruly.
"I want the kinda ass you gotta take down.
"I want an ass that just disagrees
"with the rest of the body.
"The ass I want is gonna scare me at first.
"I'm gonna be real scared.
"I want an ass that challenges me, you know,
"I gotta take it down, with, like, a bow and arrow
or some shit."
Like, "That's enough examples for now, Andre, thank you."
(lowered) Then he goes, "I'll be outside during recess on booty watch
if you want to sit with me."
And he did, he had, like, a station
outside our middle school where he would just watch asses.
That's how he spent his lunch break.
He would just sit outside on, like, a folding chair
with, like, a two-liter and a hoagie
and a towel on his shoulder.
Like watching asses was a sport
that could potentially exhaust him somehow.
Like he'd need to wipe himself down
after just viewing asses.
But I sat with him, and then, like, he saw the ass
he was searching for.
He's like, "Shh, shh, shh."
I'm like...
Like, there was a risk of us waking the ass up.
Like, it was...
We were gonna rouse it somehow.
But whenever I was sad, his-- his advice
always came back to ass, even if it wasn't appropriate.
Like, I'd be like, "I don't know if you heard,
but my grandma died."
(lowered) He'd be like, "I know that's upsetting,
"but I just wanna let you know
that you're thicker than a Snicker."
I'm like, "That's not helpful."