Hello, friends!
Welcome to The Daily Show.
I'm your host, Dulcé Sloan!
[cheering, applause]
They don't [bleep] around when a real one
host The Daily Show.
[laughs] OK, listen, we've got a great show for you
tonight, so let's get into the headlines.
[music playing]
Let's kick things off with some big news, OK?
First of all, today is Joe Biden's 81st birthday!
[cheering, applause]
[rising horn notes]
Or--
[falling horn notes]
All the polls are saying Biden's too old.
And he's like, [bleep] that, I'm going to get even older.
There were so many candles on his cake,
I thought it was another Canadian wildfire.
But enough about one of the world's
oldest leaders, because we've got breaking
news about one of its newest.
Argentina is waking up to a new president,
one who has the stamp of approval from Donald Trump.
A massive political shakeup in Argentina.
Argentina!
Javier Milei, a far-right economist and television
personality, joined the political
fray just three years ago.
Now he's in charge of the third largest
economy in Latin America, as it teeters
on the edge of disaster.
Milei rode to power on a wave of popular discontent
over a stagnating economy, with a 40% poverty rate,
and inflation nearing 150%.
He became known for his unorthodox showmanship
during the campaign.
Wielding a chainsaw to symbolize
his war on government spending, threatening
vital public services.
[non-english speech]
Hang on.
Evil Austin Powers wants to get rid of the environment, women,
and culture?
That's everything you need to have a country.
[applause]
But I mean, of course, this guy got elected,
he had a chainsaw.
You can't say no to somebody holding a chainsaw.
That's how I get my seat on the subway.
First Trump, now this.
How come every time a TV personality gets elected,
they're a psychopath?
Why can't you all vote for someone
good, like Steve Harvey?
[applause]
Look, the man's got 1,000 jobs.
What's one more side gig?
And the guy isn't just a normal right wing guy.
He's a weird dude.
He carries a chainsaw around, he cloned his dog.
He's a tantric sex coach.
Why are tantric sex coaches always ugly?
What, like, imagine this human pile
of mashed potatoes standing naked in front of you
saying, don't [bleep] yet.
You're like, sir, I promise you, I won't.
In fact, I'd like to go.
But as weird as he is, the Inflation in that country
is insane, so I get it.
You'd vote for this middle-aged werewolf,
too, if the price of milk was the same as a Beyoncé ticket.
At its worst, inflation in America was 9%.
In Argentina, it's 143%.
I mean, that's the difference of--
I went to a Georgia public school, but listen.
I know that's not good, right?
I was a theater major, don't ask me math questions, right.
But I don't know if this is the guy to fix the economy.
How can he control inflation when he can't
control his own sideburns?
I mean, it looks like this Argentinian needs a Brazilian.
[cheering, applause]
So let's move on to some consumer news.
This week, we're all going to the grocery store
to stock up for Thanksgiving.
Turkey, sweet potatoes, and hopefully,
cranberry sauce in a can.
Nobody wants to eat that fancy shit
with real cranberries in it.
Ew!
But this year when you go to check out,
you might notice something different,
like a real life person.
And a possible shift in the shopping
experience when it comes to the self-checkout line.
In October, The Atlantic declared self-checkout
a failed experiment.
Retailers are taking note.
And some are making big changes.
In England, a grocery store chain
called Booths is now getting rid of all self-checkout
in all of its stores.
In September, Walmart announced that it
will remove the self-checkout lanes from some stores.
Retailers may be motivated here by their bottom line.
The rate of theft is about double in self-checkout lanes.
Thank God!
Thank God.
I hate self-checkout lane.
Why am I doing the work?
I don't work here.
What's next?
They're going to ask us to slice our own deli meat?
Butcher our own cows?
Grow our own Diet Coke?
What?
Sir, I'm a businesswoman, not a farmer.
And what if you're too good at self-checkout.
They come and make you become a manager
and you can never leave.
And how are they going to give us
a hard time for stealing when they make it so damn easy?
I mean, all you do is just press the wrong button.
Like, oh, I'm getting organic cucumbers
for regular cucumber prices?
Oh.
[applause]
Silly, silly me.
Back in my day, you had to earn it.
You had to sneak a 2-liter of Fanta
out the store with your wide leg jeans!
Now that's when stealing was stealing!
And every time I have to look up
produce on one of those things, I feel
like I'm in a spelling bee.
Like, oh, your word is radicchio.
Like, radicchio, R-A [bleep],, I'm stealing this shit.
No one's here!
[applause]
And finally, let's talk about artificial intelligence.
We all know AI is coming for our jobs,
but we didn't know it was coming for our hearts, too.
An AI girlfriend service has stopped working,
after Forever Voices founder, John Meyer,
was arrested on suspicion of attempting to set
his own apartment on fire.
Unsurprisingly, users were angry and disappointed
at the sudden disappearance of their AI girlfriends.
While the service was not originally
designed to function as an adult service,
internet users quickly began having sexual conversations
with the chat bots, resulting in an AI that
became increasingly erotic.
It's unclear whether users can expect the service to return
to operation in the future.
Hold up, hold up.
So a bunch of dudes lost their AI girlfriends
when the owner of the company set his own apartment on fire?
How can you trust him with humanity's newest invention
when he can't handle humanity's first invention?
[cheering, applause]
But this guy gets arrested, and suddenly the AI
girlfriend stops responding?
Hmm.
That's suspicious.
Alexa don't stop when Jeff Bezos takes a nap.
Makes me think he was the girlfriends the whole time.
And I feel bad for those guys having an AI girlfriend.
Has to be harder than having a real girlfriend.
Being romantic must be a challenge.
You try to take a sexy bubble bath with your laptop,
and now you're both dead.
Or how do you even get her in the mood?
Whenever she gets wet, you have to put her in rice.
[cheering, applause]
Y'all nasty, see, you nasty.
All right, for more analysis on this AI girlfriend tragedy,
let's go live to Ronny Chieng!
[cheering, applause]
Ronny, what are all those lonely guys
going to do without their AI girlfriend?
Easy, Dulcé.
We can solve two problems at once here, OK.
You just take those lonely guys and hire them to be
the checkout cashiers, right?
That way, we all get better service,
and these guys will have plenty of chances to meet women.
Because as we all know, women be shopping.
That's an offensive stereotype, Ronny.
Everyone be shopping.
And even if these men meet a woman,
they still don't know how to talk to one.
That's why they need these computer
bitches in the first place.
OK, look, if these guys love AI women so much,
in that case, they can just date the self-checkout
machine, all right?
Look, the machines already have female voices, right.
Like, who doesn't want to spend a cold winter's night cuddled
up hearing someone whisper, please return your items
to the bagging area.
I just think we got to do something to fast track
AI girlfriends to these lonely sexist men
before they storm the Capitol again.
[cheering, applause]
Yeah, no, yeah, that's fair.
We don't want to see that.
But what you have to understand
is, it's very complicated to program an AI girlfriend, OK.
Because men are too demanding and insecure.
Like, the AI girlfriend has to be smart, but not too smart.
It has to know everything about Star Wars,
but still listen to the guy explain Star Wars.
Has to be like a dirty slut, but also a virgin.
Like, in programming, we call this the incel paradox,
all right.
Now, scientists are working hard to solve it,
but unfortunately, they are also a bunch of loser incels.
And this is why we need more women in STEM, OK.
[cheering, applause]
Because somebody, please.
Somebody please [bleep] these guys, all right.
I agree.
[bleep] those guys.
I never realized being an AI girlfriend was so complicated.
Yes, but the good news is, an AI boyfriend is very doable.
All right?
In fact, I already have my own AI boyfriend startup.
We have hundreds of clients.
It's very successful.
I'm a rich man.
I didn't know you knew how to program AI software.
Oh, yeah, yeah, it was easy.
No matter what the girlfriend says,
the AI boyfriend just responds with three things.
"You're right," "I'm sorry," and "You're right to be mad."
[cheering, applause]
Ronny, the idea that a woman only needs to hear
three things is ridiculous.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
And you're right to be mad.
Thank you, Ronny Chieng!
Thank you.
I knew you were one of the good ones.
Ronny Chieng, everybody!