Every day,
Putin moves his tanks closer and closer to the Ukraine border,
creating the world's most high-stakes game
of I'm Not Touching You.
"You can't call Mom. I never touch your face.
Never touch your face. I don't touch your face."
Now, because war is bad for business-- and also human life--
every country is trying everything that they can
to talk Russia down from its invasion plans.
And, yesterday, the president of France took his shot.
And people had high hopes for this meeting, you know?
Because the French and the Russians,
they have a lot in common.
Um, for example, both have
disgusting salad dressings named after them.
But despite this commonality,
the meeting did not go well.
NEWSWOMAN: French President Emmanuel Macron is in Russia.
He met with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Moscow
at a 20-foot-long table,
thanks to COVID restrictions.
Macron believes Russia has a right to ask questions
about its security and seek guarantees.
Putin did not offer to deescalate
in that meeting with Macron,
but Russia does continue to deny any plans of an invasion.
Okay, people, what-what the hell is this?
Why-why are they sitting so far apart?
Like, I've-I've been in Zoom meetings
where I'm sitting closer to the other person.
Who, like... Why do you even have a table so big?
Like, did you see that thing?
Like, maybe Putin isn't trying to take over Ukraine
'cause he's evil.
Maybe he just needs more space
for his giant (bleep) furniture.
Apparently the reason for this distance
is because they say they want to make sure that everyone is safe.
That's what they say. And, no, I'm not talking about COVID.
I'm talking about Putin. Yeah.
If he wants to kill you, at least, with this table,
he's got to catch an Uber to get to your end.
"In four minutes, you're dead.
"Five minutes now. Latif missed his turn.
"Why would you take that route? I don't...
So if I cancel now, do I pay? How does this work?"
Putin is playing some crazy
psychological mind games with Macron.
-You think so? -Yeah.
French people don't know how to sit at a big table like that.
He didn't know what to do. They're used to
those tiny little bistro tables,
where they have, like, room for one little glass of wine
and a cube of cheese.
-That's it. -It's the French thing.
Also, I can't stop thinking about the poor delivery guy
who had to lug that table all the way up the staircase
just for that meeting,
and then he had to wait five hours
and take the table back down.
Crazy.
(stammers)
I don't think that's how delivery works.
-I think... -Well, think about it.
If he's playing mind games like that,
he brought that table in specifically for that meeting.
And that delivery guy,
he better not get any nicks or dings in it,
because he's getting poison in the neck if he does.
Yeah, I-I think you have a very different idea
of-of wh-what...
they do. But yeah.
Yeah, no, that's exactly what happened.
-We'll agree to disagree. -We totally agree, I think.
Look, all I'm saying is, all I'm saying is,
the table might be better than catching COVID,
but it could also be the reason that there's a giant war.
Because these two couldn't possibly
have understood each other at all.
I mean, just-just listen to the conversation.
Mr. Putin, we cannot risk another war.
What? We cannot skin another boar?
No, no, not boars. I'm talking about foreign affairs.
You are having an affair?
Of course. You are French.
Maybe I could sit closer to you.
No, I am saving the seat for a friend.
His coat is on it.
But you can't hear anything I'm saying.
That is interesting, yeah.
Are you doing that thing where you agree
because you're not sure what I said?
Moscow smells like urine. Your face
looks like a peach had Botox.
And it's only Monday.
All right, let's make like the president
of your high school drama club, and move to New York City.
Last month, New York inaugurated a new mayor--
moderate Democrat and former police captain Eric Adams.
And even though he's new in the job,
that hasn't stopped him from making his presence felt.
For instance, he said
that he's going to take his mayor's salary in crypto.
Yeah, which means he's the richest mayor, poorest mayor,
richest mayor, poorest mayor, richest mayor, poorest mayor,
richest mayor, poorest mayor...
I-wish-I-had-taken-cash mayor in the world right now.
Also, Mayor Adams is a vegan.
(gasps) Yeah. No. I thought he was Black.
I know. And, uh, this week, he announced that going forward,
all New York City schools would have
to have mandatory vegan Fridays,
which I actually think is a great idea, yes, because,
Friday, I think, needs to be taken down a peg, you know?
Oh, you're excited for the weekend?
How about a tofu sandwich, bitch?
Now, obviously, because of this decision,
a lot of people are mad. Like, a lot of people are mad.
You have to eat meat, or it's not a meal!
But if you ask me, there's nothing wrong
with kids being exposed to different kinds of foods
and different kinds of diets.
And yeah, I'm talking about you, kids with peanut allergies.
Stop being so closed-minded.
So, yeah, schools in New York are gonna serve vegan food
on Fridays, partly because the mayor himself is vegan.
Or is he?
It's a big city scandal in New York.
Mayor Eric Adams is making waves
with a revelation that he easts fish.
Adams is a self-proclaimed vegan.
NEWSWOMAN: A report in Politico New York over the weekend
cited restaurant sources at a midtown eatery
frequented by the mayor who say Adams often dines on fish.
He released a statement saying, "I want to be a role model
"for people who are following or aspire
"to follow a plant-based diet, but as I said,
I am perfectly imperfect and have occasionally eaten fish."
Okay, everybody calm down! Everybody calm down!
I can feel the stress in the room right now.
Everybody calm down!
I know you're angry right now, and I know you want him
to step down, but give the man a chance.
Yes, he's a vegan who sometimes eats fish.
But don't get it twisted, man.
Being a vegan isn't about eating vegan.
It's about telling everybody that you're vegan.
So technically, this man's legit.
And that is what's great about New York.
We're imperfect here. We're perfectly imperfect.
You can label yourself whatever you want in New York,
whether it's true or not. It doesn't matter, you know?
That's why the vegan mayor isn't vegan, and that's why
the New York Jets can call themselves a football team.
You know, if you ask me, the weird thing to me is not
that he cheats occasionally on his veganism.
It's the fact that his cheat meal is fish.
I mean, if you're going to cheat, cheat, my man. Cheat.
Eat a cheeseburger or a pepperoni pizza.
Eating fish as your cheat meal is like getting a hall pass
from your spouse and using that hall pass
to have sex with... a fish.
It's a total waste of a hall pass and a fish.
I got to say, I really appreciate his transparency,
and that he didn't make the fish sign an NDA.
-That's progress. -I guess.
Yeah. Come on. This is, like, an adorable political scandal.
This is ridicul...
Let the guy eat a little bit of fish.
What's next? Uh, Adams took a penny, but didn't leave a penny.
He put a plastic cup in the paper recycling bin.
He's keeping solitary confinement at Rikers.
Okay, that one is... That one's bad.
The paper cup one's also pretty bad.
-God. -Yeah, that's like... Those are... Those are...
-Those are pretty bad. -Trevor, I apologized over
and over again. I don't know what else I can do.
The colors match, you put the... Well, you know...
All right, finally, if you're still looking
for a perfect Valentine's Day gift,
there are a few last-minute options that you can consider.
I know it's late, but you can consider these things.
You can cook a nice meal, all right?
And if you can't cook,
you can give that special person a coupon that they can exchange
for a piece of jewelry later
if they promise not to dump you, huh?
Or-or you can get them a gift
that'll take your relationship to totally new heights.
New this morning for you-- with a week to go
'till Valentine's Day, one company in Las Vegas wants
to help couples safely join the mile-high club?
It's from the company Love Cloud, fittingly.
Well, couples can rent a private 45-minute flight.
It comes with a private bed
blocked off from the pilot with a curtain there.
Officials say there's also a commemorative membership card
signed by the pilot himself.
They also say the sheets are changed
and everything's been cleaned in between flights for you.
Prices for the romantic getaway start at $995.
Wow. Okay, this is not what I expected.
And I feel like it kind of defeats the whole purpose
of the Mile-High Club, you know?
The Mile-High Club isn't just about having sex on a plane.
It's about having terrible sex quietly
without getting sucked down that toilet.
That's the experience.
Anyone can have sex on a plane.
Not to mention, they said this flight only lasts 45 minutes?
Only 45 minutes?
You realize that's barely enough time to apologize
for the first two minutes.
And don't get me started on the fact that the pilot,
aka Mr. Smiley over here, I've just got to trust
that I've got privacy because he closed that little curtain?
(chuckles creepily)
I'm not gonna pay a thousand dollars
to have sex while some random dude is sitting there
pretending to not pay attention.
That's not a plane. It's a flying dorm room.
So, I mean, look, good luck to these guys.
But I don't know how many people
are gonna want to take this flight.
Because there's always a chance of a crash.
There's always a chance. When you fly,
there's a chance you can crash, and nobody wants their obituary
to be like: "John Sanders was killed today
when his sex plane crashed into a mountain.
The main thing, though, is that it just doesn't seem
like it's worth a thousand bucks.
It's a cool experience, but a thousand dollars is a lot money.
I mean, think about it, Spirit Airlines only costs,
what, $119 round trip?
Yeah, and they always leave you feeling like you were (bleep),
so, I mean, that's a pretty sweet deal.