Alright, now, like any kid that grew up in the '80s and '90s,
I spent a lot of my time playing games outside.
And one of those games was good old fashioned Cops & Robbers.
Now, I don't know the exact rules to Cops & Robbers,
or if there are even any actual rules to begin with.
I even googled "How to play Cops & Robbers" like an idiot,
and the one article I read said you had to use hula hoops and bean bags.
And I'm like: "What the hell? That's not how I played it when I was a kid!"
The way we played it was: you had one kid be the robber,
and then the rest of you just chased his ass all over the neighborhood
with like a wiffle ball bat or something.
Sure, I guess we weren't playing
by the official Cops & Robbers rulebook, according to Google,
but I think our version was way better
than any of that hula hoop bean bag bullshit!
I mean, for one, we were definitely more imaginative with the game.
We would like, dress up for it and shit.
We'd make up characters and crazy-ass storylines,
like we were some kind of shitty improv group.
"Hey, I'm gonna be the grizzled veteran cop,
who's past his prime,
but keeps working for better social security benefits.
David, you're gonna be the rookie cop that has a drinking problem,
because you're going through a bitter divorce.
And Michael, you're a convicted pedophile, that's escaped from prison.
Ready? Let's play!"
"Hey, wait a minute!
Why do I gotta be the stupid pedophile again?"
"Because, Michael, we can't all be cops, alright?
That's not how you play Cops & Robbers after all."
"Well, then why can't I just be a robber?"
"Because you're a goddamn convicted pedophile, that's your role,
for fuck's sake, just follow the goddamn rules!"
Now, what these rules were, I don't really recall,
but I'm pretty sure every game of Cops & Pedophiles
went a whole lot like this:
first, we chased Michael around the neighborhood
with a wiffle ball bat and our broken Nerf gun,
then we'd get him cornered,
and we'd do a few lines of dialogue to help push the narrative,
"Aha, gotcha, Michael!
Looks like your fucking fondling days are over."
"My home life is falling apart, but justice still has to be served."
And then Michael would get hit in the teeth with the wiffle ball bat,
then he'd run home crying like Nancy Kerrigan before the '94 Olympics,
and then me and David would go play Sega Genesis at his house.
That's pretty much how every game of Cops & Robbers went when we were kids.
That is, until one day,
after watching an episode of Law & Order one afternoon,
I came up with a new variation of Cops & Robbers.
And that variation was what I like to call
Crooked Cops & Robbers.
Yeah, that's right, in this version
we were no longer the squeaky clean cops with mustaches,
now we were the dirty cops with fucking... 5 o'clock shadows.
And just like before, I'd set a storyline and give everybody their roles,
"Okay, I'm gonna be the cop that extorts people
and takes bribes from the Colombian cartel.
David, you're gonna be the cop that is questioning his morals,
as well as going through a second bitter divorce.
And Michael, uhm...
well, fuck it, you're gonna be an escaped pedophile,
that's selling smack on the streets."
"Okay, got it.
Wait a minute, what?!
I still gotta be a stupid pedophile?"
"God damn it, Michael, you're missing the point!
You're not just a pedophile, you're a drug-dealing pedophile."
"Oh, well, alright then!"
Now, really, this version was no different than the regular cops and robbers,
but, well, the dialogue was a little bit more extreme, if you will.
"Listen here, mr. drug dealer,
if you're gonna sling your smack out on the streets,
you're gonna have to play ball with us!"
"I'll sling my barbiturates wherever I want!
(cocks the twig)
I ain't playing ball with shit!"
(cocks the bat)
"I'm having trouble recognizing what is right and what is wrong."
"Well, it looks like we're playing hardball.
(cocks the Nerf gun)
It's Nerf or Nothin', bitch!"
Now, keep this in mind,
we'd be doing this shit in broad daylight in the middle of the fucking neighborhood,
there'd be people walking their dogs and shit,
"Oh, look at the sweet children, playing their little games!"
"Quick, we have to plant the cocaine on the dead body,
before the cartel finds us!"
"Wait, what? What did he say?"
"I don't know if I can do it.
My morality is becoming a cause of concern."
"What in the hell are they doing?"
"God damn it, plant the cocaine, Johnson! Do it now!"
"I can't do it!
What would my estranged wife think of me?"
"I'm dead!"
"God damn it, Michael, keep your mouth shut!"
(cocks the Nerf gun)
"Do it now, Johnson!
Or I'll blow your fucking face off with my .44!"
"Hey! Hey you kids!
What on earth are you guys doing?!"
"Uh... we're just playing Crooked Cops & Robbers.
What does it look like?"
"Crooked Cops & Robbers?
How the hell do you play Crooked Cops & Robbers?"
"Uhm, like this."
(whoosh-thwack!)
(crying)
"Uh... well, you wanna go play Sega Genesis?"
"Yeah, let's go play fucking Sega Genesis."
[On the next episode of Crooked Cops & Robbers]
[Will officer Johnson retire from the force?]
[Will the convicted pedophile play ball with the law?]
[And most importantly,
will the boys beat stage 7 in The Streets of Rage for the Sega Genesis?]
[Find out next Saturday, around 5:30]
(After 'Are You Afraid Of The Dark' is over on Nickelodeon).
(lilting) Crooked Cops & Robbers!
Hit you in the teeth with the wiffle ball bat!
(thwack!)
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