My husband doesn't want me sexually anymore. My name is Paul Friedman I
founded The Marriage Foundation and I'm going to help you with this because
there's a lot of misunderstandings in terms of what is really going on and I'm
going to try and give you some insights into not just this particular problem
that you're having but into your marriage because this is really where
the problem lies. It isn't that you're not sexy anymore
even if you've gained weight or your figure has changed -- that doesn't matter
to men. Truly, so I'm going to start with really what does matter, what makes a man
feel sexually attracted to his wife because it's very interesting and the
point is missed almost entirely. I saw not too long ago a story that was
on Facebook about a man who was marrying his fiancee even though she had cancer
and was dying and my God, she the poor thing.
She was completely emaciated and she was wearing her wedding gown and he was all
smiles and you could see in his eye how much he loved her, how much he desired
her. She was not sexy but to him for sure she was very sexy
so that is much more of a realistic reasoning for men who feel sexually
attracted to their wives is love -- it's love. Now let's go way back to why you
got married in the first place because I'm going to show you what went wrong.
You got married to be happy and the ultimate way to achieve happiness and it
isn't just the ultimate way honestly, it's the only way to achieve long-term
happiness. Anything other than fleeting happiness, long-term deep happiness comes
only from love. You could test this in your own mind. You could write down
examples of people who are happy and come up with some material reasons but
if you dig deeper, you'll find that they're not. They always have to -- I mean
people there's people who are very wealthy. They've got these fantastic
lifestyles. They've got big yachts, jet planes, a
staff to wait on them hand and foot and they're not happy. How do I know? Well,
most of them are drinking alcohol or smoking pot. They're escaping somehow or
they keep so busy that they have themselves deluded into thinking, "I am
happy." That's not happiness. Happiness only comes from love. Now, it's true that
human love is not the only happiness creating event. There are people who love
God so much. There's even people who love art so much that they're completely
absorbed but even that is somewhat fleeting. True
love produces happiness. When you got married you are so happy. Remember at
your wedding when you had that experience. Everyone has that experience
at their wedding where they're just overwhelmed with love. In fact, they have
it at everyone's wedding. This is what you want. You want to feel this love and
this deep happiness, this joy for the rest of your life. Here's what happens.
We're not just spiritual beings who depend on love obviously, we are
we're souls. We have a body in a mine which defines spiritual but we're also
material beings. It's a combination of spirit in nature. I, when I use that
term I'm talking about the I who is a soul but then there's the rest of me.
There's my body, my mind, the things I like, the things I don't like and there's
a dance going on -- we're spirit in nature. What happens is
we start getting caught up on the nature side, the material side and we lose sight
of what we're supposed to be doing to enhance the spiritual side of ourselves
and of the marriage. That spiritual side can be defined in one word love because
that's what spirit is and love is obviously spiritual. You can't touch it,
you can't weigh it. You can't see it but you do know that it's there.
You cognize it not with your mind but with your heart and your mind identify
some of those feelings and loves it obviously, and you love it. It's the most
real thing for you so if your husband isn't appreciating you sexually it means
the connection has been disconnected and you need to reconnect it. So if you take
the advice of what most people have to offer getting a slinky dress, spending
time lighting candles all that stuff doesn't do it. It's material and the
sexual side of marriage is not meant to be sexual entertainment. It isn't at all.
This is the product of television and writers and romance writers. You got
married wanting unconditional love and so you
use sex correctly to convey your love to your husband but what has happened
because our society is so screwed up is we use that sexual time as mutual
masturbation and we're interested in -- Was that good for you? Did you get off? Have
you come yet? I haven't yet. Can you spend more time
with...? Can you do this, can you do that? It's a misuse of this gift of
sexuality for those who are spiritually mature enough to appreciate that they
got married in order to experience love and not sex. So, what to do about it?
Now, let me try and recap a little just to make sure you understand and
this is a sad commentary. One of the first questions if
you go in for marriage counseling which by the way I totally him against. They'll
ask you about your sex life. They use that as a barometer to define your
happiness even though it doesn't define happiness at all. They should be asking
you questions more like, how deeply do you love your husband? How do you express
love to your husband? And by the way, when you're having
intercourse are you using that time, because there's nothing more intimate,
are you using that time to convey your heart to your husband? Are you sharing
your hearts through your body so he recognizes your deep loyalty, your deep
love for him? Or are you using it to get off, or are you doing it just to please
him because if you don't you know there's going to be problems? So God knows
how it's come to this in your particular marriage because there's a lot of ways
to screw things up. The easiest way to screw things up is to not know what
you're supposed to be doing and doing those things continuously on a regular
basis. Most people get married in this world and it's a goal and so you might
liken it to -- "Let's get married." "Oh boy, we're going to get married" and we
spent all of this time in the preparation. "Oh, I picked out the most
beautiful dress. You're going to wear this tux. How about if we see Aunt Lucy next
to Jim maybe they'll get along." And all the focus is on the wedding day
In fact, in the world people talk about this is the happiest day of the bride's
life and I'm going, "Oh, that's sad." That should be the beginning of an ever
increasing love and happiness but it isn't because you get married and
marriage as a destination as if you're going for a ride at a theme park and
you're just waiting for it to happen. But what if you get a new car, it's
a wonderful thing to get a new car, isn't it? But you know, you have to change the
oil. You know you have to check the tire, tire pressure. You know you have to
keep it clean. What do you know that you have to do in
your marriage? No one's ever said anything to you about it so you didn't
know. So you got married as if it were a destination that's the beginning of the
end. The end because just like that car if you don't take care of it the tires
will eventually go flat. You'll get out of balance. If you don't change the oil
the engine will be ruined pretty soon. You got to get a divorce from your car.
Well, we don't want you to get a divorce from your husband. We want you to have a
phenomenal marriage that's based on happiness, that should be your
expectation to be happy and your expectation should be that in this space
of happiness, this marriage space I call the sacred space of marriage that love
blooms. It's the flowers. It's the product but if you don't
fertilize the soil, you're not going to get the blooms you want.
So what do you do now? You gotta go back to step 1. You don't have to get to
know each other per se because you already know each other very well but
you especially as the wife have tremendously more power than your
husband in this area, not because of the sex attraction obviously, not right now
but you have a connection to your heart that men don't have because of biology.
You need to start expressing love from your heart, not by rote, not by method or
technique. You need techniques and methods to learn how to connect to your
heart to be that heart that unconditional love that men seek. There's
a total misconception in the world that men are seeking sex that's not so. Sure,
they are. Their animal body is driving them to procreate. This is just part of
the nature side of us. However, what he really needs is to have that fulfillment
because he's essentially a soul. This is where you have to go. You got to get to
the basics. How do you do that? You learn to control your mind. This is all in my
books and if your marriage is really slipping, you need the course for women.
You need to really learn how to become your heart in your marriage so your
husband starts seeing you differently and he will start being attracted to you
and part of that attraction will be a sexual attraction and it won't be a huge
part of the attraction but it's an important part. I'm not going to scold
you for turning them off or anything like
that would be nonsense. I'm going to encourage you to demand from yourself to
achieve happiness and love within your marriage and then allow that to create
the dynamics of sexual attraction. Will it work?
Absolutely, it will work. I've only been doing this for 20 years so when I
say something will work -- it's true, it's going to. Don't try to do this on your
own necessarily. I mean you could but you're much better off using one of my
books to give you some guidance and again, if you're having difficulty that
you can't put your finger on what the solution is The Marriage Foundation is a
non-profit foundation. We're set up to help you with your marriage.
Our counselors, we have a service that's free. You write into the counselors and
they will help you with your dilemma. They're not paid a commission for
steering you towards the course. In fact, they're reluctant to steer people
towards the course because it takes a lot of effort. So unless your marriage is
really slipping towards divorce, they'll just encourage you to read one
of the books which you know, check out the reviews. They can be miraculous
for you. The information you learn will change your life for the better and
that's what we want. You can subscribe to this channel. You can like this video.
Leave a comment, share but blessings to you, blessings to your husband and
blessings to your family. Thank you for spending some time with me.