As the year draws to a close,
I find myself reflecting on all
the amazing advice we've heard on
Think Fast, Talk Smart.
Today I want to share with you my
top ten bits of advice that
I am directly applying to my life.
My name is Matt Abrahams, and
I teach Strategic Communication at
Stanford Graduate School
of Business.
Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart,
The Podcast.
Allow me to share with you the top
ten bits of advice that I
personally have been applying in
my life.
I'm going to list these in
the order in which they aired.
I'll share the episode number and
the guests' names, so
you can take advantage of
these learnings as well.
Let's get started with takeaway
number 1 from episode 80 with
Jonah Berger, verbs to nouns.
I love language and persuasion, and
when Jonah talked about
the persuasive impact of turning
verbs into nouns, I was fascinated.
He used the example of trying
to get people to vote more.
It turns out, asking people to vote
is not as effective,
is asking people to become a voter.
Similarly, asking people to help is
not as effective as asking people
to be a helper.
Often, we describe ourselves using
an adjective or, again, a verb.
We say, I am hardworking.
Well, that's good, but let me say,
Imagine I told you about two
people, someone who runs and
someone who is a runner.
And so, rather than talking about
yourself as hardworking, talk about
yourself as a hard worker.
Rather than talking about yourself
as creative, you're a creator,
if we're trying to get someone to
help us out,
rather than asking them for help.
Asking them to be a helper,
makes them more likely to agree
to help us.
Similarly, we're trying to get
someone to vote, asking to be
a voter rather than asking to vote
makes them more likely to go along.
Seeing ourselves as a voter or a
helper makes us more likely to act.
Simple rephrasing of
a message can help us achieve our
persuasive goals.
When I talk to my kids about being
careful driving, I now talk to them
about being safe drivers rather
than asking them to drive safely.
Takeaway number 2 from episode 89
with Rachel Greenwald,
be interested, not interesting.
Small talk and
chitchat can be very stressful for
even the most extroverted of us.
We put a lot of pressure on
ourselves to be engaging and
interesting.
As Rachel suggests,
we can reduce this pressure and
enjoy our conversations more if we
are curious and ask questions to
demonstrate our interest.
>> The start and
the ending are the toughest part.
So if you're someone that struggles
with initiating small talk,
it's probably because you're
worried about finding that
intriguing question like we
were just talking about.
So if that's your obstacle,
then I'd say just forget about
asking a question entirely,
take that pressure away and
instead think about simply making
an observation about
something in your environment.
So, an observation is essentially
a bid for
connection and it can create
a feeling of instant familiarity
sort of a conspiratorial vibe,
just between two people.
>> I love this advice and I've
used it ever since I learned it.
I'll often start small talk
by asking about something I
notice about the other person or
something we share in common.
At a recent cocktail party,
I asked a few folks I was in line
with if they had ever seen
such elaborate flower decorations.
This turned into a great
conversation about global
warming and tropical plants.
I ended up setting up
a future coffee conversation with
two of these people.
Take away number 3, episode 92 with
Dan Pink, talk like a human.
When we speak, we often use jargon,
acronyms, and cryptic language that
gets in the way of understanding.
We all suffer from the curse of
knowledge or the curse of passion.
We know too much and care too much
about some of the things we talk
about, which leads us to
use convoluted language.
The only antidote to the curse
of knowledge in cursive passion is
empathy.
>> I do think that there are some
principles of that realm that we
can extract for other realms.
So one of them would be
audience first.
All right, you got to think about
the audience, what do they know?
What don't they know?
What do they care about?
What don't they care about?
>> Understanding
what others know and need to know.
This will lead us to clearer,
less acronym, and
jargon-filled communication.
In preparation to give an important
keynote, I recorded a practice
session and found three terms
that were really overly complex.
I changed them and
found my audience much more easily
understood what I was
trying to say.
Takeaway number 4, episode 95 with
Vanessa Patrick, empowered refusal.
Saying no is not a rejection of
others or their ideas, but rather
a demonstration of our own beliefs.
It's a way of living our values by
setting boundaries.
>> Art stands for awareness,
roles not decisions,
and totality of self.
I propose that the first competency
that we need to invest in,
if we want to become more effective
in saying no,
is deepened self-awareness.
To invest in self-awareness helps
us sift between the good-for-me
activities and
the not good-for-me activities.
And helps us decide what to say yes
to and what to say no to.
The second competency is to make
rules not decisions based on that
self-knowledge.
So once we have the self-knowledge
and can identify what we care
about, what we believe in,
what we stand for, it helps us to
make simple rules that guide our
actions and decisions.
When we lean on what I
call personal policies
that we can establish
to communicate our no response.
We yield from being frazzled and
frustrated when someone makes
an ask of us to being much more
calm, and choosy, and empowered.
And we come across with much more
conviction and determination.
>> I struggle to say no to
opportunities and people all
the time, which sometimes means,
I get spread thin and can't fulfill
my obligations fully or benefit
completely from the opportunities.
As a result of Vanessa's guidance,
I have more carefully defined my
values and goals and now reflect on
new opportunities through the lens
of these values and goals.
The result is,
I'm saying no more often, but
to the things I say yes to,
I am more engaged, less pressured,
and hopefully more helpful.
Takeaway number 5, episode 103 with
Carmine Gallo, be a translator.
One of the best analogies for
an effective communicator is to be
a translator.
>> You're often speaking, depending
on your field in a very different
language, even if you're speaking
to someone who's speaking the same
language, that's not the point.
You're using words, and complexity,
and jargon, and shortcuts,
abbreviations, and
acronyms that your listener doesn't
understand simply because they're
not in the same field.
>> Carmine help remind me that the
pre work to translate effectively
really makes a difference.
I now go out of my way to do some
online research about my audiences
and ask others who know them, this
helps me prepare relevant content.
Take away 6,
episode 104 with Katie Milkman,
temptation bundling.
Katie defines temptation bundling
as motivating yourself by combining
something you enjoy with something
you might struggle with doing, or
need a little bit more effort to
complete.
>> We need a way to make it more
enjoyable to pursue our goals.
And I've studied one tactic for
that, which I call temptation
bundling, which is linking
something that would otherwise
feel like a chore with a source of
temptation, and pleasure, and
instant gratification.
So for podcast listeners, maybe you
love listening to podcasts,
what if you only let yourself
listen to your favorite podcasts
while you're working out or
doing household chores?
Or some other activity that would
otherwise be a source of pain and
we can think about other ways of
temptation bundling, right?
You only get to go to your favorite
restaurant that has unhealthy
burgers you crave when spending
time with a difficult mentee.
When we temptation bundle, we seem
to improve the rate at which we
engage in these behaviors that
otherwise would feel like drudgery.
>> There are many
things in my life that I find
hard to initiate or sustain,
I now use temptation bundling to
help me get through them.
Grading is something that can
be very taxing on me, so
I do temptation bundling now.
I reward myself with M&Ms after I
grade ten of my students'
assignments.
This actually helps
me be excited about grading, and
it gives me a little sugar push to
get through the work.
Takeaway number 7,
episode 105 with Kim Scott.
When someone gets furious,
you should get curious.
Yet one challenge I have faced
in fear facing is when someone I
provide constructive feedback to
gets upset, I often get defensive
or back away from my feedback.
Kim's advice is to get curious,
listen to what they're saying, and
ask questions to better understand
what might be leading to their
response.
>> And one of the things that I try
to tell myself in those moments is,
when furious, get curious.
So if someone's mad,
I'm getting mad back,
I try to take a deep breath,
if I have a bottle of water,
I'll unscrew the top, take a sip of
water, and I try to figure it out,
what has gone wrong here?
Why is this person so upset?
And don't blame yourself.
>> This approach has really paid
off for me.
I had a student who was quite upset
with some feedback I provided.
Rather than getting defensive and
say because I said so, I asked a
few probing questions that revealed
some insightful information that
led to a great discussion and
learning opportunity, not just for
the student, but for me as well.
We parted ways happily and
the student thanked me for
my input.
Takeaway number 8,
episode 109 with Francis Frey.
Emotion really makes us absorptive.
>> First of all,
I will just say that we think that
emotions are underused.
And there's almost, I've heard so
many people give advice,
don't be so
emotional, contain your emotions.
And I find that to not
be correct in most instances, I
want people to bring more emotion.
Emotion is like the sanding that we
can then come and paint on top of.
Emotion really makes us absorptive.
>> Often when we communicate,
we lead with facts and logic.
Francis reminds us
that emotions matter.
We all can benefit from bringing
emotion into our communication.
Even if you're dealing with bits
and bytes, chemicals and compounds,
if you are saving money,
saving time, saving trees, or
saving lives,
there is emotion you can rely on.
I like to start my communication by
asking, what if you could to bring
emotion to the forefront
of my audience's mind?
Take away number 9, episode 113
with Patrick McGinnis, FOMO types.
I am someone who has long suffered
from FOMO, fear of missing out.
I can remember back in high
school wondering what events I was
missing out on?
What activities could I or
should I be doing?
Today, I work hard to focus on
being present when I am in
conversations, lest I wonder if
there's something better happening
elsewhere in the room.
>> We must ask ourselves,
it's a pretty basic set of
questions, things like,
is that thing as good as it looks?
Can I afford to do that?
Do I have time to do that?
What are the trade-offs I must
make to do that?
And then we must dig into
that thing and
replace the fear with facts, so
that we can make a decision based
on data, not emotion.
So that's how you attack
the aspirational FOMO,
on there heard FOMO that's
a question of motivation.
And so, the question you must
ask yourself is, why?
Why do I want this thing?
Is this something I truly want?
Do I have agency?
Or am I simply following the crowd?
>> Patrick really helped me think
more deeply about my FOMO when
he identified the two types.
And reflecting on these types, I am
now better able to ask questions
of myself that quiets my FOMO.
For example, when I question,
is there a better opportunity
elsewhere?
I reflect on what value I can gain
from where I am right now.
I also ask, what is the downside of
the thing I aspire to?
This has helped me
to be more present, and
fulfilled, and to worry less.
Take away number 10, episode 114
with Julian Treasure, what is
the listening I am speaking into?
Two of the most common bits of
advice on the podcast is to know
your audience and listen intently.
Julian combined these in my
favorite quote from the year.
What is the listening I am speaking
into?
For me, this is a reminder that we
must always be in service of our
audience and their needs.
When I prepare a talk or
this podcast,
I will now ask this question and
then adjust my language and focus.
>> Well, this comes from my
observation that every human beings
this thing is unique, it's
as unique as your fingerprints are.
The reason for that is that we
listen through a set of filters,
and those filters develop as we
grow and mature in life, and
we have experiences.
So they start with things like
the language we learn to speak,
the culture we're born into,
which might be family.
It might be tribal group,
it might be local,
it might be city,
it might be region,
might be national, whatever it is,
might be all of those things.
There's a culture we're born into,
and these things shape our
listening.
And then you have the values,
attitudes, and beliefs that you
gather along the way.
From parents, teachers, friends,
role models, you pick some up,
you discard others.
And the ones you've picked
up will be the different from
the ones I've picked up.
>> Taken together, these ten tips
have really helped me this year to
be a better, more attentive,
present-oriented communicator.
I hope they'll help you as well,
looking forward to another great
year of Think Fast, Talk Smart,
The Podcast, where we'll learn many
more tips to help us hone and
develop our communication.
>> Thanks for joining us for
another episode of Think Fast,
Talk Smart, The Podcast,
from Stanford Graduate School of
Business.
This episode was produced by
Jenny Luna,
Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams.
Our music
was provided by Floyd Wonder.
For more information and episodes,
find us on YouTube or
wherever you get your podcasts,
thank you and
please make sure to subscribe and
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