It's called roast yourself,
not take shit from your wife like I do every day
I'll just give you some pointers to start with
Hi guys, welcome back to the sofa
so this week Rosie and I are going to do the roast yourself challenge
I'm quite nervous about it
I'm excited
Remember that time you had all those stretch marks
from putting on so much weight and comfort eating through your mental health issues
Boom
Remember that time you wore ponchos for a living
and thought you were really hot? Boom
You didn't do it for a living
Can't even roast yourself right
Remember that time you tried to join a threesome and were told to leave?
Who gets told to leave a threesome?
Remember that time you can't flirt with anybody because you don't know how it works?
Boom
Eugh, you just spat
See-
Say it don't spray it
-this is why I can't flirt with people
Date me
Kelly Clarkson didn't wave at you during that concert
and you waved at her back
and then got really angry and was like,
"Why aren't you waving at me, Kelly Clarkson?!"
and she was like, "Boom"
and I was like "Boom"
Remember that time that you had daddy issues
and you slept with loads of guys to get over them?
Oh, this is not how the game works
I'm really sorry
People would be happy to have a threesome with me...
...now
I'd be happy to have a threesome with you
with that guy who keeps offering us 2.5 mil
Make it three and it's a done deal
Make it seven and it's a done deal
Make it SEVEN and it's a done deal
I'd have done it for half of that price
Really?
Hey Rose, if you were a guy you'd last about 2 seconds in bed
Remember that time you became a Youtuber
and, erm, then you turned 28 and
then you had this massive, like, crisis about your age
and you fancied all of Fifth Harmony
by the way, they're like 10 years younger than you
Weirdo
That one particularly stung
I'm fine, I'm fine
Remember that time Rosie turned to you
and said, "Rose, all you do every night before bed
is watch Camren videos"
and then told you to reevaluate your life?
Boom
Remember that time Nomani followed Rosie and not you?
Boom
Remember when you thought you were good at stuff
and then you met your wife and realised that you were mediocre at everything?
Boom
Remember that time you'd just had your hair highlighted really blonde
and then decided you wanted it changed and wanted to go brunette
and you dyed it and it went green
and the only way to get the green out was to put tomato ketchup on your head?
Boom
Remember when you were clubbing and a guy asked when it was due?
You think you're funny but maybe not everybody finds you funny
Remember the time when the only woman you could get to be your wife
was someone who's got one leg shorter than the other?
Hey Rosie, do you remember when you were, like, really young in school
and you had really bad eczema because you had food intolerances and no-one knew why
and then everybody bullied you and called you "eczema ball"
and then you told that to your first boyfriend, who you loved
and then one day, in an argument, he called you "eczema ball"
and you broke down because of childhood memoirs?
Rose, maybe you should stop being so insecure about your figure
and actually get over yourself for once because everyone else is
Hey Rosie, do you remember when your friends won't add you on Facebook but they'll add your wife?
Hey Rose, remember that time you uploaded something really cool to your personal Facebook account
but none of your childhood friends and most of your family won't like it because they're just jealous of your success?
Boom
Rosie, remember when the biggest moment of your career was meeting Tom Hanks
and you took a picture and put it on Tumblr
and people cropped out Tom Hanks
Do you remember that time when you asked your wife to marry you and she said no?
Remember when you don't know what you have and haven't told people because you overshare that much?
You know, you can't dance
You're crap in a club, you don't know what to do
You just dance like an old dad
and when you see someone who can dance you immediately fancy them
whatever they look like because
that's the one thing you wish you had
and you don't have it; do you know what it's called, Rose?
It's called sex appeal
One time I kissed my friend and she said I had the lips of a little boy
and I don't know what that means
and it hurt my feelings
and I'm still confused
One time I took a picture of my boobs and showed it to someone
and they were like, "Yeah, maybe next time wait until your nipples are out"
That is cold
Well it wasn't, that was the problem
Remember when you were in love with a straight girl
and she didn't want you but she teased you?
and she hurt your feelings
Rose, do you remember that time you sat in a car with that straight girl
and said, "Oh but...don't you feel something?"
and she was like, "....no"
Yeah, Rosie, you haven't even got your drivers license yet
so you get your wife to drive you everywhere
you dumb fuck
Do you remember when you'd just turned fourteen years old
and you were dating this guy who was seventeen
and he was like "I'll take you to my bedroom"
and then he put on Snoop Dogg and doesn't get an erection
and then he blames you for it?
Also, I didn't want to have sex on your mom's kitchen sink
I'm sorry
Hey Rose, do you remember when you got that stuff on your sister's dress
and then you had to give it back to her and told her straight away to get it dry cleaned?
Did she get it dry cleaned?
No
Hey Rose, do you remember when you were fourteen and you went to that club with that same boyfriend
and he was like, "Do a shot, do a shot"
and I did a shot
and he was like "Down this half pint of lager" straight after
and I was like "Hell yeah!"
and then you projectile vomited on your shoes, over the bar and across this guys midriff
before you had to leave
Rosie, even your own dad doesn't love you
I blow up when I eat gluten
Hey Rose, remember that time when you didn't know what Snapchat was
so you started an account and you accidentally locked yourself out
and then you had to start another account
and then you blamed everyone for someone "taking your name"
and then you found out it was actually you and you didn't tell the internet?
Actually, do you know what they said to me when they asked me to leave the threesome?
What?
They said, "Rose, get dressed, pick up your flavoured condoms and get out"
What are you thinking about?
Huh?
What?
Who are you thinking about?