(growling) I'm Matthew Santoro.
Oo, I love dudes.
Dudes are great.
(growl) Look at my teeth.
(chuckles)
Dude, so fooled you.
If you're stupid, you might be wondering,
hey, Matt looks way better.
What happened?
If you're smart, you already know I'm not Matt.
No, it's true.
Your beloved Matthew Santoro,
who has been entertaining you with his
spiffy little lists and his quirky little videos
about iPhone apps and bacon,
has been murdered.
And by murdered, I mean I hijacked his channel.
He's not actually dead,
yet.
But so many of you look up to him,
for some bizarre reason.
I'm sure more than a few of you have wondered,
how can I be more like Matt?
for some bizarre reason.
So I've come to let you know
how you can be more like Matthew Santoro.
First would probably be the most obvious,
the blindingly white teeth.
His teeth are so white,
the KKK have been trying to recruit them for years.
In order to obtain those
supremely supremacists little chicklets,
you'll need to utilize your cellphone
and use the alarm clock function.
Set the alarm to continuously go off
every 5 to 15 seconds
for the rest of your life.
Every time it goes off,
it's time to brush.
(alarm beeping)
Now it's time to start using
a special whitening mouthwash.
Ugh.
Ahh.
And we're on our way.
The next part might now be as obvious as the teeth,
but it's still glaringly apparent,
the bald dome.
But I'm not shaving my head.
Let's face it, hair is amazing.
(alarm beeping)
Oh, hold on one second.
Ugh.
So we're gonna do the next best thing,
bald cap!
You're gonna wanna let a little hair
grow in on the sides though.
Just to show people,
hey, I'm not bald by choice.
(alarm beeping)
Now, it's also important to show off
your teeth as much as humanly possible when you talk.
If people aren't always at least partially wondering
if you're going to bite them,
you're not showing enough teeth.
To achieve this, try to thrust out your--
(alarm beeping)
Ugh, hold on one second.
Ugh.
To achieve this,
try to thrust out your chin and
pull your lips back.
(growling)
You have to talk like this from now on.
It's also critically important to
open your eyes as wide as you can,
like your teeth just witnessed
a black person voting, ya know?
Ah. No!
(alarm beeping)
Next, you have to start a second channel for vlogging.
All your vlogs just are things that nobody even cares about.
Hey, Matthew Santoro here.
About eh eh about.
Just wanted to do a quick vlog.
Can't be long, about eh,
because I've got my daily dentist appointment
in about an hour, about about.
Eh eh about about eh about about about.
Once you have done that--
(alarm beeping)
Oh god.
Ugh.
(coughing)
Once you've done that,
you need to start making
videos about facts that everybody has already heard of.
Once you've managed to subdue your audience
into a catatonic state of boredom and
you have all other factors in place,
you're totally on the right track.
All you have to do next is have sex with dudes.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I'm just saying, if you wanna be like Matt,
there's some shit you gotta do.
(alarm beeping) Ouch, starting to bleed.
Ugh.
Oh, I'm just kidding.
All jokes aside,
Matt has actually been a really good friend and
a really positive influence in my life,
as well as a great sport for letting me
hijack his channel to roast him.
If you miss him, which I'm sure you do,
I mean, he's a great Youtuber.
Awesome guy.
He's actually on my channel right now roasting me.
Go see how he does and cheer him on
by clicking this button right here.
Not really a button,
but it's something to click on,
so just click on it.
Or, you could just go down to the description
and click there too.
I would love if you'd subscribe to my channel
because I just kinda tore the crap outta my mouth for you.
(sighs) It burns.
(alarm beeping)
(growling in pain)
Ah ah ah.