- Love to argue. Women love to argue.
Why are we getting in relationships
if we gonna argue about every damn thing?
Forget falling in love, fall in like.
(audience laughing)
Love gets your windows busted.
(audience laughing)
(chill hip hop music)
- Sisters don't take it, man. They don't take no mess.
You get robbed, and you with a sister, it's a wrap.
You can't get robbed with a sister. That's two fights.
When brothers rob you now, they don't pull a gun out
and say, "Stick 'em up."
They don't do that no more.
They'll just how you what they got.
(grunts)
Oh, man, yo, can I talk to you for...
(audience laughing)
You get smacked.
"Gimme your girl's stuff too."
You're like, "Oh man, that's another fight."
You turned around to her. All you see is this.
(grumbling)
"I'm gonna get you another one. I'm gonna get you another."
(audience laughing)
"There you go, dog.
Listen, can I...
All right, go ahead with it."
Now you're embarrassed. You get back to the car.
You trying to rush the car, close it.
Wap! (breathing heavily)
You don't want to talk about it. You cut the music.
(acapella electronic music)
But a sister ain't gonna let you
make it home like that, is she?
(acapella electronic music)
(gentle hip hop music)
(audience cheering)
"How you gonna let him just take my stuff like that?"
- Women want you to be a superhero.
Five, six brothers across the street.
What do you want me to say to all of them?
I'm walking down a street with my woman the other day.
Brothers yelling out anything disrespectful they can.
"Damn, slut! Look at that hoe!"
"Damn, slut!"
She's like, "Did you hear 'em?"
I'm like, "Did you hear 'em?
(audience laughing)
They talking to you!
Let my hand go! Let my hand go!
You can't even take up for yourself."
- Fellas, if you live with a woman,
she has a job and you don't have a job,
when she gets up to go to work,
you get up and do something.
(audience laughing)
Anything, just put some work boots on
and sit on the porch until she leaves.
Put a blue shirt and some khakis on.
Say, "Baby, they hired me at Blockbuster,
but I'm gonna leave right after you leave."
Ladies don't like it when you just lay on their couch.
I didn't know that. I'm a comic.
I don't do much during the day.
I'm living with this woman.
She got a full time job.
She been in traffic both ways, worked 40 hours.
She been at work eight hours, been in traffic both ways,
been to the cleaners, the gym, the store.
She been gone for about 12 hours.
I haven't done a damn thing, nothing.
I don't even feel bad, of course,
'til I hear the key hit the keyhole.
It was like my momma coming home.
The whole day went slow.
I was all like, "Oh no!
She's home!"
I tried to run in the kitchen, cut the hot water on,
act like I'm about to wash the dishes.
Meet her at the front door with a kiss and a lie.
"Hey, baby, how your day was?
Listen, before you go in the kitchen,
I was just about to wash them dishes.
That's why that water is not warm."
She's smart though. She know me.
We've been living together.
She goes straight to the living room.
"But the back of the TV is hot as hell, Gerard.
The PlayStation 'bout to blow up."
- I just don't to be no crazy jealous man.
Y'all, them super crazy.
"I'm gonna kill you because I love you!"
(audience laughing)
And women, y'all crazy.
Y'all even more crazy,
'cause y'all don't let a brother know y'all got a crazy man.
You supposed to let a brother know.
If you walkin' in the club and you out,
you supposed to let me know your man crazy.
I shouldn't have to find out about him grabbing me.
(audience laughing)
You know, there's some women that let you know.
See, they can't say it, because he there.
You ever have a woman give you
that my-boyfriend-here-and-he-crazy look?
He walking up to you, be like, "Damn, she fine."
The closer he gets, she going,
"Nn-nn, nn-nn, nn-nn, nn-nn, nn-nn, nn-nn,
uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, mm-mm."
Try to touch her hand. "Nn-nn, nn-nn."
- Fellas, I don't know if y'all meet the same girl.
They like to talk, girl.
Females like detail.
After a second, ladies, your phone conversation
starts sounded like a motorcycle.
And then!
And then! And then!
And then!
And then! And then!
(audience laughing)
You ever listened to some of the stuff you got?
It's just detailed. Don't mean nothing.
Just Mickey Mouse.
"Me and Karen went to lunch today.
Karen had a Cobb salad. I had a Caesar salad.
Did you know you can't get Caesar dressing on Cobb salad?"
I be like, "Hey, hey, hey, you messin' up my minutes!"
- But sisters though, man, y'all got it going on,
because y'all have something that make a man
just want to hang around.
It's the power in the rear
and the power in the behind.
Because the last thing we see when y'all leave us,
I don't know if I can say it, but that ass.
(audience applauding)
Well, you know what? I don't care.
We got a problem? No, you got a problem.
I'll tell you what, you need to work on your attitude.
You need to work on your attitude.
Well, leave, leave, leave, don't leave, don't leave.
- Seems like everyone I meet is 21 years old with seven kids
talking about now she's ready to settle down.
(audience laughing)
I'm the type of brother. I ask.
It's gotta be like, "Wait a minute.
You've been with everybody I know.
And now you want me to pay to take you to the movie?
I'd rather just have sex like my buddies did."
Fellas, let me know if you heard this before.
"I ain't looking for no man
to help me take care of my kids."
You heard that before?
"I ain't looking for no man
to help me take care of my kids."
Now, see, I got a question again.
If me and you hook up, who...
(audience laughing)
Four, five, six, seven.
Who gonna take care all these damn kids?
And please don't say nothing dumb
like your momma gonna take care of the kids,
'cause if your momma got money and energy
enough to take care of seven more bad ass kids,
then I'll just cut you out and date her.
(audience laughing)
She ain't but 33.
- I hate a pretty woman.
That's why I broke up with my gal, that hoe.
Crazy ass, I hate her. I hate her to death.
I hope you take this.
Ms. Hill, you stankin' ass, I hate you.
I'll run your funky ass over with a bus.
When it run out of gas, I'll walk to the gas station,
get some more gas, and run your stinkin' ass over again.
And when my bus break down, I'll go to the auto parts place
and buy the part, fix it,
and run your stinkin' ass over again.
I'm gonna do some crazy to that ass.
I'm gonna freeze a water balloon
and bust her in her damn head with it.
(audience laughing)
They won't even have no evidence.
Then I'm gonna stab her ass with a freeze pop 81 times.
They ain't gonna see nothing.
They gonna just say, "Her chest was sticky as a son of a."
(audience laughing)
- Do not blame arguments on you or your woman.
This is just DeRay's, what I feel it is.
This is my concept.
I think it's the ghost of a bitter.
(audience laughing)
You ever think your woman at home talking to herself?
Naw.
The ghost lady fly in the house
and start tauntin' your woman.
"Where's your man at?"
(audience laughing)
"I don't know where he at."
"He think you stupid."
"Sure the hell do think I'm stupid."
"Check his wallet."
"I will check his wallet."
Now you arguing with two, one you can't even see.
(soulful hip hop music)