Hello everyone, it is Saturday.
The topic this week is "appropriate questions to ask a trans person".
I like this topic a lot because the counterpart to this question is usually "what not to ask
a trans person" and the advice we usually give in response to that is "you're nosy,
you're inappropriate, just stop talking forever - goodbye..
goodbye" But, like, really, with all of the interrogation level conversations we have
to have with people, it makes sense that our advice sometimes is just "you know what?
Just go have a Google party with yourself and stop asking us questions".
But, but all of that talk, it kind of ignores the fact that asking personal questions is
like a really important part of to starting friendships and also maintaining them and
growing them.
You need to be asking personal questions!
And this is the reason that I think the whole "Would you ask a stranger this?"
method of filtering yourself is just complete bogus.
I mean, you can't use how to act with strangers as a judge for anything 'cause you know how
I acted with the last stranger that I saw?
Saw them on the sidewalk.
Kinda looked at them but didn't really look at them because that would be awkward.
Then I kept walking.
That was about it.
Okay, now before I go on let me put in a disclaimer right here.
There are at least 4 situations I can think of where my advice would be to not ask ANY
questions about being trans AT ALL to a trans person.
These 4 situations are as follows: 1: They have not come out to you yet.
2: You might know that they know that you know that they're trans, but they've never
brought up the topic with you.
3: You know they know that you know they're trans, but there are other people in the room
that are in the conversation that don't know they're trans.
And 4: Everyone knows they're trans, but you know them well enough to know that they would
rather be talking about anything other than being trans.
Like, that's just not a subject they like, okay?
So stay away from it.
That being said, if the trans person in your life openly talks about being trans, it's
safe to say that you are welcome to ask questions.
And guess what?!
If you are a close friend, then you get the same perks as cis pairs of close friends get
with each other where you can ask things like - and I know this is going to make to unlearn
a lot of the things that you have learned as somebody who wants to educate themselves
about trans etiquette, but you can ask things like personal details about their sex life,
you can have heart to hearts where maybe they'll tell you what surgery felt like or how hormones
work or their coming out story and you can EVE, maybe, ask about their genitals!
No, that-that has to be a lie!
Nope!
I mean you just need to make sure that it's the kind of relationship where you would tell
them about that time you had sex with that guy in the woods.
Or, you know, you'd be comfortable if they asked you how anti-depressants worked or what
it's like to have asthma or if it's hard being blind or ask about anything that you're dealing
with as a person who naturally has to deal with things.
And just saying, I know way too much about way too many of my friends private parts and
I didn't even have to ask about that!
That information just, like, happened.
And no!
I would not ask a stranger that, but I might ask my best friend that.
And that does not only apply to long time friends.
I mean, there are plenty of one day old friendships, or maybe like, one hour of knowing somebody,
where sex or life history is a very comfortable topic and if a trans person brings up being
transness on their own, then they expect a conversation to come of it.
AND they expect questions!
Just like you would not be surprised or offended if you told somebody that you originally born
in another country and they asked about your experience and what it's like there.
Like, if you tell them that then they'e not just going to ignore you!
Like, when you open up a topic it's no longer off limits.
I mean, all in all, this is a skill that everybody needs to have.
You need to be able to assess social situations and decide what questions are okay to ask.
Even if the question might get you charged for harassment if you asked a stranger on
the street that questions, sometimes it's totally okay to ask, like, your BFF.
So ask the questions that you think are okay to ask.
Use your brain.
Because, honestly, as tiring as it is for trans people to answer question after question
about being trans, it's almost as tiring to feel like everyone is treating you as the
most fragile and delicate creature in the room all of the time.
*whispering* Don't say the word "penis" in front of him because even though he's an adult
man, he's also trans and he might not be able to handle it.
*normal voice* So here's a recent story.
It's not about questions but it's relevant.
So, I was at Reed's birthday party, whom I owe a heartfelt and dramatic birthday video
to.
But anyway, I met this guy for the first time at his party and it came to a point where
we both had to go to the bathroom at the same time so we walked in and he made the joke
"Oh, we could just use the bathroom at the same time, haha" By the way, he knows that
I'm trans.
So I responded "I don't even know how that would work lol" And then immediately after
saying that I was like "dammit, he's gonna awkwardly laugh and change the subject.
I made this super awkward" I regretted it right after saying it because everyone wants
to, like, avoid the subject of being trans out of "respect for the trans person" because
everything makes them uncomfortable blah blah blah.
But!
He immediately responded, without hesitation, he just said "Oh, no, you can just sit and
then I can aim between your legs"...
I mean that story was probably a complete overshare but, I mean, it's very refreshing
to not be regarded as a small, sickly animal that's going to die if you mention anything
about trans people.
Anyway, the big overarching point to this video is that people like it when people show
an interest in their lives!
And when they bring up something unique about themselves, that you don't talk about in everyday
conversation, they're opening up that topic of conversation to you!
To also ask questions!
You're allowed to show interest and you're allowed to be curious because if you want
any kind of friendship to happen with this person, they're also going to be curious and
show interest in the unique parts of your life!
The parts that you would not be sharing with a stranger.
Final disclaimer.
There are plenty of trans people who do not want to go into that subject.
With anyone.
As long as you stick to the four points I listed before about when to not ask any trans
questions, that should keep you pretty safe.
Just make sure they open that line of conversation to you.
So, see you next Saturday.
Go make some new best friends.