(clapping)
La la la
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Well they have, Florida,
they deemed wrestling, professional wrestling,
an essential business.
And if this doesn't get us closer
to a vaccine, I don't know what will.
(laughing)
I think that's a loophole because
it's huge business in Florida, right?
- What, wrestling?
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- WWE.
- I think wrestling is essential
in Florida like meth is essential in Florida.
- Oh yeah, that's right.
Look at Megan, looks all mapped out.
Are you moving?
Oh there she is.
Megan, you were frozen for a minute.
- I'm like literally right next to my router.
It's so fucking annoying too because
(laughing)
sometimes it'll flash across the screen
and be like, you Internet's unstable.
And it's like, bitch, I'm unstable!
This can't be happening!
- Everyone has WiFi problems. (Megan laughing)
And we were just talking about meth
and we were saying Florida's big moneymakers,
and the whole state economy
is based on wrestling, and drugs and alligator farming.
So they can't lose it all.
I mean, yoga for dogs
is not essential in LA yet,
but I feel like now that we see moves like this,
now we push harder.
- Absolutely. I mean wrestlers
they're probably not even gonna die from Corona,
they'll probably die from CTE.
- Casually she says,
(all laughing)
- Too soon.
(laughing)
- You're something.
- But are they gonna even be allowed to be near each other?
Everyone's supposed to stand six feet apart.
So are they just gonna yell mean things at each other?
- They actually won't be on point.
- Yeah, they're gonna be close
but I love that there's certain wrestlers
that don't want to do it,
like The Miz is now the voice of reason
(all laughing)
- You know who wants to do it, The Undertaker
because that really lends itself to this.
- Yeah.
It's non-brand.
- (mumbles). Yeah.
Oh Megan, working, pushing up plastic glass sales.
- Yeah.
- Did you steal that like from a Pizza Hut?
- That looks so good.
- My husband ordered 50 of them, and I was so sad.
And then when we got them, everyone was like
"Those are the coolest glasses we've ever seen".
(laughing)
- Good.
I used to go to Pizza Hut after a little
late one, bang some dingers.
- Yeah.
- And they had those glasses with crushed ice.
It was the best.
- I mean Pizza Hut buffets were so good.
- Oh my gosh.
I didn't even know anyone had a salad buffet
until I was like 40.
I'm like, "Oh, they have salad here".
Now I'm like, "Do they have garbanzo beans?".
(laughing)
The guy's like, "This is Shakeys, I don't know if we do".
(laughing)
"Is that Romaine or Arugola?"
He's like, because I don't do pizza.
I don't know.
I'm like no.
- Just pour some ranch or thousand island on it.
- Yeah, ranch.
- Get out of here.
(laughing)
- If WWE is closed to the public
does it lose some of its authenticity?
(laughing)
When they fight six feet away, Fortune's right,
they're either going to be yelling at each other
or it'll be really fake.
Like, "I'm going to hit you".
And the guy's like...
- It'll go from being fake to really fake.
(laughing)
- Really fake. By the way, bless Ron Funches, he loves it.
- Yeah.
- All comedians do.
I didn't know really anyone growing up
and now every male comedian
it's all they do, it's just WWE and Pornhub.
They just switch back and forth.
(laughing) You don't know which way to go.
- And sometimes it's hard looking at both of them, you know?
- And people are getting slammed in both.
- Yeah, slam it.
They have Pornhub Premium.
I just was noodling around there for research
and it says, "This is Pornhub Premium
thanks to COVID".
I'm like, what's the difference?
What were we missing?
(laughing)
We're like yawn, oh here we go.
I should just pay for the extra.
I can't tell you if
the orgies have seven people
instead of five, I don't know.
(laughing)
Fortune is like, this is making me sick.
- I'm going to the church right now.
- She's a little priss.
(laughing)
- I've never been described as a little priss.
- Are you a little priss?
- Who me?
(laughing)
- You both are very nice ladies.
- Ahh.
- But you know joke wise, you could think of these things
but that's not what you're like.
- Right.
- Right, right, right.
- Megan, maybe.
So everyone online is turning at celebrities
because they have quarantine stuff
in their big fancy mansions.
And based on that positive reaction,
my quarantine stuff, I don't know
if people know I'm a celebrity.
- We do.
- Something is not sinking 'em.
But--
- You need to show off your house more.
- I guess that's it
but I think I have the brains to not.
But I'm from a generation where you don't,
it wasn't always about bragging, it just wasn't.
And you were looked down upon
if you were trying to be cool.
All the guys I think are cool, Boneccio, Wakeen, Champe.
And the guys I grew up that I thought were cool guys,
no one's out there going "Look at my new Rolls"
"Look at my new spinner".
Instagram, they weren't running to it going
"Look how great my life is".
We know if there's some mystery, it's cool.
There's cool things going on,
but even Sandler, he's not out there doing all this stuff.
He's obviously got money to burn.
So I think really ever since this Imagine video
they're all villains.
(laughing)
- [Fortune] Well they came out of the gate with that.
- I mean that was day one, they're like mad.
I'm like, "Oh, the quarantine has started, okay".
- They should have waited.
- They should have done it like now. Yeah.
When everyone's freaking.
- It was too soon.
People were just still buying toilet paper.
They like, "What's happening?"
- Like we're fine, we're good.
- We're not at that point of the sad video
with the stars coming out with the
Sarah McLachlan music.
Not puppies in a cage yet, but we are now.
- I think that celebrities, they lack self-awareness.
And the people who have self-awareness have been laid off
because of this.
So they're just at their house like, "I'm cool and funny".
It's like, you have not been cool or funny in 20 years.
- I don't know.
People got mad at Ellen because she said
it was like being in prison.
She's in her however many million dollar house.
I'm like, if that's what prison's like, send me up.
- Pretty girls, yeah.
- Yeah, wishing I was in there.
- (mumbles) because I go, I hear you Ellen,
and then everyone goes,
I go, "What she say bad?".
I go, "Oh right, yeah".
No, because it is, I think she was just saying
it's hard to sit on one designer couch.
(laughing)
Actually they used to show MTV cribs and everyone
loved rich people's houses.
Now they're like, no.
- Yeah, but that was like rappers.
Rappers are fun.
And athletes, Mariah Carey on the StairMaster in heels,
that's good clean American fun.
Now they're trying to be like, "I'm one of you".
When it's like, no, just be rich, that's cool.
- Yeah.
All the celebrities are like, "We're all equal".
And poor people are like, "We're not really".
- Bill Gates is doing an Instagram on live
eating Spagettios out of a can.
"Ain't it the shits".
- There are still the crazy white bitches
that are like, "Help the dogs".
It's like the dogs are fine.
The dogs did not get laid off.
- Go back to people for a little bit.
Yeah, people need a hand right now
and then we'll go right back to the dogs.
Look at Megan, I like when she freezes.
Your freezes, Megan, are like this.
(laughing)
And I go, is she doing a bit.
- I cannot believe, the router is basically
in my pussy.
(laughing)
I'm so close to it.
- Oh (mumbles)
(laughing)
- I can see you're like (bleep) whatever.
- Oh, the router is up my--
- The router is in my pussy.
I did not think I'd hear that today.
- (mumbles) The router was in your pussy.
(laughing)
- Well Burning Man, Burning Man I know,
I hope you didn't hear it from me
but it's been canceled.
- [Fortune] Bummer.
- [David] And I was already in my jockstrap and
sailor hat ready to head out the door.
- I would pay money to see you in a jockstrap
and a sailor hat.
- It looks like I have a great body, I do.
- I don't believe you.
(laughing)
- My legs are strong, I have good feet.
We talked about this once on the show.
I have good feet, I haven't sent any pictures yet.
But believe me, if someone offered me $500,
they're flying out the door.
And I'll be like, kat-ish, ring like.
Then I've actually lost a few pounds.
- Oh, good for you.
- Yes.
- Good for you.
- Not from the meatloaf I've been eating
for breakfast.
(laughing)
- You really give cake for every meal okay.
- Mum called and she was like
"I see you on these shows, you look tired and bad".
I go, "Are you calling me, because I'm your son
and you should be fucking pumping me up".
- Is your mum just bummed out about Burning Man?
Is that what's happening?
- Yes she said, "What do I do with my 90 foot
Trojan wooden horse full of molly?".
- When you're on drugs though,
does it matter where you are?
Couldn't you just go in your backyard
turn on some music, do drugs and dance?
- Yes.
- I'm going to agree with you because just Coachella
(mumbles) go and everyone does drugs but
Burning Man is already like a carnival circus
looking thing.
I think more than Coachella,
like really crazy, goggles, bikes.
It feels a little culty, dare I say it?
- Yeah, but I also think that
my quarantine has felt a little Burning Man.
Like I am getting fucked up,
I traded sweaters for a Mojita kit.
That's off the grid.
- Mojita kit!
(laughing)
- They're going to need all that Mad Max gear too
for the apocalypse that we're currently in.
- Yeah, true, (mumbles) bought out of the closet
dust it off.
Megan has a box of molly she forgot to unload.
She has a vending machine.
She's like, "Oh my--
- You know what, I do have molly
and people are like,
"Don't take it, it will make you more
"susceptible to Corona".
- For real?
- I don't want to hear that.
- I guess it does lower inhibitions,
so you could go around
licking door knobs, just because you feel
so sexually into it.
That's probably it.
But then also I think physically it lowers
your immune system.
I'm on it right now and I feel fine.
(laughing)
- Just don't get any deliveries.
- This is a bad picture from a drug dealer.
(laughing)
You're like, my molly vending machine
is in the hallway if anybody wants to come by
with gloves.
I went to a place yesterday, they go
"Stop, do you have your mask?"
I was like, it was this high earlier, it was up my nose.
(laughing) Yeah.
"Go wash your hands, no cash, only credit cards".
So I had to go wash.
- You had to wash your hands when you got there?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- And I was in there and I actually stalled
because I washed my hands, but I go
they're going to say it's not long enough
because they're so tough.
So I waited then I came out.
And the guys are...
- You did this.
- He was like, "Was it a one or a two?".
- Yeah, I took a dump.
I go fast, I walked out like I was going,
I had my mask on. "I'd like a celery juice", and
they're like, "No cash".
I go, oh when I'm going to the tip jar I go, "Oh okay".
(laughing)
"Oh wait", and I go, "No".
I take out a solid one and go like this
because it lights up, you've been nice.
Okay, well that's it.
That's all the time we have today
even though we really have hours.
- It goes by so fast.
- It really does.
- When you're in a pandemic and there's nothing going on.
- It is like a show.
Sometimes I do this show and I'm like,
is it over?
Remember a TV?
- Will we ever get it back?
- We'll get it back.
I'm scheming right now, believe me.
Okay, but thank you for taking time
you two lovely ladies.
We'll talk again soon.
Megan's frozen again, I love it.
Bye.
(laughing)
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