- A lot of you are out there
looking for someone in a relationship to fix you.
But I got some bad news for you,
they don't want you fixed.
(smooth jazzy music)
What is up everybody?
This is Chris from The Rewired Soul,
where we talk about the problem but focus on the solution.
And if you are new to my channel,
my channel is all about mental health.
So if you're into improving your mental health
go ahead and click that little subscribe button,
hit the notification bell if you want to.
Get notified when you see me posting
all of my amazing videos.
I'm almost at 400 mental health videos.
It's gonna be (kisses) superb!
But anyways, for those of you who don't know me,
I work in a mental health treatment center.
We treat people with a dual diagnosis,
they have addiction as well as an underlying mental illness.
And something that clients have been
talking about a lot this week is codependency
and toxic, bad relationships.
So I wanted to talk about this on my channel.
So a lot of us, and I used to do it too,
I was always looking for
someone in a relationship to fix me.
I'm broken, you need to fix me.
I couldn't be alone because I don't know how to fix myself,
but maybe if I get you, you can fix me.
But what we often don't realize
is that codependency is a very real thing,
and there's a lot of different signs and symptoms,
and I'll do more videos about them.
But in this specific video I wanna talk about
people who are codependent, but it's in a way
where they find broken people
who they don't wanna fix, alright.
So if you're at my channel, if you're watching this video,
there's a very good chance that you struggle.
You struggle with mental illness.
Whether it's anxiety, depression, PTSD,
addiction, childhood trauma,
whatever the case may be, right.
And you might be getting into bad relationship,
after bad relationship, after bad relationship,
or you might be someone who has been
stuck in a bad relationship for a very long time.
And if you're here, you clearly have made
a great first step because you're looking for help.
You're looking for answers, right.
But sometimes we don't notice
that the person closest to us in our life
is actually holding us back.
They don't want us to get well.
So this is going to sound harsh,
but in order to overcome certain things
with our mental health, we need a little bit of tough love
and we need people to say things
that we might not wanna hear.
But I had to sit back, I had to sit back,
and I had to say, "I'm broken, why do you wanna be with me?"
Right, like that's an interesting question to ask.
Like why would somebody want to be
with somebody as messed up as I am, right?
And I've overcome a lot of my mental health issues
and I've been in a great relationship for a while,
but back in the day I was a hot mess.
I was drug addict, I was an alcoholic,
I had severe depression and anxiety,
I had a lot of anger issues.
Like, what could somebody see in that?
This wasn't a low self esteem issue.
Low self esteem is I think worse of myself
than I actually am.
But I was thinking about myself in the way I actually was.
And I'm not saying you're a bad person,
but you're a sick person who's trying to get well.
So when we look at it like that,
we have to say, "Okay, maybe this person
"just likes to fix broken people."
But you have to think about it like this,
once you get well, what's their job anymore?
What are they going to do?
So you may not realize it,
but one of the reasons you're not getting better
is because this person in your life,
this codependent person in your life,
doesn't want you to get better.
And it can be very subtle, it can be very, very subtle.
Like this can come in the form of them
not encouraging you to get help,
they're not trying to provide you with resources,
they fuel this negativity,
rather than try to make things better.
And these are the subtle things that are making you worse.
Or maybe you've tried therapy, right?
But this is the type of person
who disagrees with your therapist.
They don't think the therapist
knows what they're talking about.
And this is what you've gotta look at and say,
"Wow, what has this person done to help me get well?"
And it's gotta be much more than the things
that we can touch and hold.
And what I mean by that is you might think
this person's trying to make you better
by taking care of you financially.
Maybe they're paying the bills,
maybe they're the ones going to work,
maybe they're doing that.
But on their codependent side,
that's what they need in order to feel well.
And in order to feel well,
they need to take care of you and they need you broken.
I dated a lot of women in my addiction
where they didn't want me to get well.
If I'm being completely honest with you,
I've dated women who didn't want me to lose weight,
you see what I'm saying?
Because if I lose weight, or if I overcome my addiction,
maybe I'll start to get more clearheaded and realize,
"Oh wow, maybe I should get in a different relationship."
So they're holding us back and trying to keep us broken.
So this is very, very, very important to realize.
Now one of the things is, it's like
I'm not telling you to get a divorce,
I'm not telling you to break up
with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
And it's something I forgot to touch on,
but this person in your life,
it might be your mom, it might be your dad,
it might be some of your friends, okay.
It might not be a significant other.
But like I said, I'm not telling you
to get these people out of your life.
But say for example, you're married, right,
and you're starting to realize.
Maybe you're watching this video like,
"Oh my God, my husband, my wife!"
or "My longtime boyfriend or girlfriend, oh my God!"
What you have to do is both of you
need to seek help individually.
Both of you need to figure this stuff out.
Sometimes you can do couples therapy, that might work too,
but if the other person isn't willing to do that
that's when you've gotta really reassess the situation.
Some of you watching this are parents,
and if you're parents, you have a kid to look out for.
And you can't be a proper mother,
or proper father, if you do not get well.
So if even your kid's father or mother
is the person keeping you sick,
you might have to really, really look at this.
And this is hard, it's tough, I get it.
But hopefully the other person in this relationship
wants to seek help too.
Because I can't stress enough,
and I'm very empathetic to anybody who has mental illness.
Most of the people who are doing this
and they don't want you to get well, they're not bad people.
They don't even realize that they're doing it.
And a lot of times this stems
from something in their childhood.
I will use myself as an example.
I was constantly looking for broken women, constantly.
I was looking for women with baggage,
I was looking for women with emotional issues,
anger issues, they were feisty,
they were a little wacky, and things like that.
And I didn't realize I was doing it
until I was pointed out to me by a psychologist.
They said, "Chris, you're the son of an alcoholic mother.
"Is it possible that, since you could
"never fix your mother,
"you're trying to find women that you could fix,
"but you don't feel comfortable being with a woman
"who is not somehow broken?"
I was just like (mimics explosion) right.
So I didn't even realize I was doing it,
so it took me a while to overcome that.
But the first step in this all
was even acknowledging that I'm doing it, okay.
So if you're single, you're in a great position, alright.
So let me talk to all you single folks out there.
Notice your patterns.
Notice your patterns of behaviors
when you get into a relationship.
Are you trying to find men,
are you trying to find women, who can fix you, okay?
Because you need to look at
what I was talking about in the beginning of this video.
Why do they want to be with someone like you,
who they need to fix, okay?
So something I would suggest is
find someone who doesn't need to fix anybody.
Find someone who has their stuff together.
You know, maybe, and this is weird.
It's a weird conversation piece.
But during the courtship phase,
find out about exes, what happened in other relationships?
If they say their last five relationships,
they were all crazy women, or they were all crazy guys,
maybe this person is attracted to that type,
and maybe that's not the person you should be getting with.
So if you're single, my best suggestion is
watch some of my videos.
I have a whole playlist called The Broken Picker.
Watch some of those videos, okay.
I talk a lot about my relationship issues,
relationship issues that I see other people have,
and things like that.
What I personally had to do was
I had to stay single for over a year to work on myself,
and then I started to get into healthy relationships.
So I really hope this video helped you out.
And let's get a conversation going, down below.
Have you had any experience in your life
with someone who may have
not wanted you to get well?
Alright, let's discuss down in the comments.
I'll be down there replying and all that type of good stuff.
And if you think you know somebody
who is getting into relationships like this,
please share this video with them,
or just blast it out on social media.
A lot of people don't even realize
that this is why they keep getting into toxic relationships.
But that's all I've got for you today.
If you liked this video please give it a thumbs up,
and if you are new here, I'm always making videos
to help you out with your mental and emotional wellbeing.
Go ahead and click that little round subscribe button.
And a huge, huge, huge thank you
to everybody supporting the channel over on Patreon.
You're the best, I love you.
And if you wanna check out some more videos on my channel,
you can click the top right there, alright.
Thanks so much for watching,
get out of codependent relationships,
and I'll see you next time.